what LSD and 12-step programs have in common (it might not be what you think)

It's my observation that one of the greatest sources of pain for humans is a feeling of isolation and alone-ness.  I remember in my early 20s, living in Washington, D.C., and trying to begin to find my way as an adult, I felt very strongly that we all might as well face the harsh reality that, "you come into this world alone and you die alone."  Don't forget to cue the dramatic music when you say things like this.

As an almost forty year old woman, I feel very differently.  I've observed many, many people over my 13 years as a social worker.  People from vastly different socio-economic backgrounds, religious traditions (or lack thereof), ethnic variation, etc.  I've read many books, listened to CDs, and taken classes from many wise people.  I've come to believe that our sense of isolation is a selfish kind of illusion.  Kind of like a bad hair day in junior high school, when you think, 'God, everyone is probably looking at me and wondering how she can let herself out of the house with that ugly hair.'  The truth, as we get older is that no one cares about our hair as much as we do.   When we feel oh-so-alone we get a sick kind of pleasure out of it - 'no one understands me!'  I don't think we allow ourselves to see things as they really are - that in many important ways we are connected with one another and, at the risk of sounding hyperbolic, with we are connected with everything.

Two pieces of media in the past week were illuminating to me along these lines.  First, an interview on Talk of the Nation last Thursday:  http://www.npr.org/2012/04/19/150974004/crack-addict-aspires-to-ninety-days-of-sobriety
with Bill Clegg, who wrote Portrait of an Addict as a Young Man, a book about his experience as an alcoholic and drug addict, and his sobriety.  He talks about the 12-step community and wishing that every un-addicted person could experience the same sense of community that people in recovery do. His 12-step community provides him a place to check in with other people who remind him that he is not alone in his struggles.  His community keeps him humble as he faces addiction.

Kind of ironically, I found another great article that talked about experiencing a spiritual sense of community/communion as part of cutting edge palliative care for people dealing with life-threatening illness or actually facing the end of life. In very controlled, clinical settings, psilocybin, the active ingredient in 'magic mushrooms' is being used to assist people with facing their fears surrounding their own end of life.  The article is from the New York Times Magazine on Sunday, http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/magazine/how-psychedelic-drugs-can-help-patients-face-death.html?ref=magazine
This is research that I've been reading about for several years and it looks good - that the controlled use of this substance in a clinical setting can profoundly and positively reduce anxiety and fear related to facing end of life.  I like what Dr. John Halpern says (he is head of the Laboratory for Integrative Psychiatry at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA), "you have an experience in which you feel there is something you are a part of, something else is out there that's bigger than you, that there is a dazzling unity you belong to, that love is possible and all these realizations are imbued with deep meaning."  This is a transcendent experience.  Many very spiritual people (yogis, contemplative nuns/monks) experience this without using substances...but to me, this speaks to the mystery and the draw to unnameable sense that many of us have,  "I don't know what it is, but there is something very good, and bigger than anything I can possibly understand."


In the end, we must allow for  paradox.  We are comforted in being unique and we are comforted in feeling and knowing that we are interconnected.  Do we need magic mushrooms to get there?  Do we need support groups?  I don't know.  I just encourage you to look at the world around you, listen to all different kinds of people.  Your compassion will increase, your sense of connectedness - with yourself and with others.  The world will be less scary and far, far less painful.

it's just a movie

"Life is a comedy for those who think, and a tragedy for those who feel."  - Horace Walpole

In college I went with my roommate to see the movie, "Awakenings" with Robert De Niro and Robin Williams.  It was about Dr. Oliver Sacks, who worked with institutionalized adults who awoke, briefly, from persistent, nearly vegetative existence.  I bawled my eyes out. As the lights rose and people began to exit the theater, my dear roommate, Krissie, looked at me very matter of factly and with near disdain  and said,  "It's just a movie."

You know, life changes you.  Experience shaped me from being a feeler to a thinker (that thinker was probably in there all along, but that's another part of the story).

Mary Pipher is a psychotherapist and author, who I admire a great deal.  She wrote Reviving Ophelia and Letters to Young Therapist, among other books.  In Letters to a Young Therapist, she conveyed that people have three functions:  THINK, FEEL, and DO (ACTION).  Most of us are out of balance toward one of these things.

Now, as I said, I am a thinker.  Sometimes I imagine that my brain is my main sensory organ, with fingers of thought that reach out and experience the world.  Whether it's a first impression or a gradual understanding, I am very aware of my thoughts.  For me, it's probably easiest for me to "do", next.  I think that's something I enjoyed about working in hospice, where an emergency or unpredictable situation could come up at any moment - it's not hard for me to think, then act.  I guess, something akin to people who work in an ER.

So at this moment in my life, my biggest challenge, the place I most have to pay attention, is my feelings.   I am so busy thinking and doing, that I don't always take the time to feel.  I notice this particularly under stress - at my worst, I can turn into kind of automaton, a la Mr. Spock from Star Trek.  I don't think this comes across to people on the outside, but I've realized that this is what can happen inside. 

But, as always, it seems like what we all need is:  First,  AWARENESS/INSIGHT and Then, BALANCE.  Poetry has become an important way for me to pay attention to, and feel my feelings.  Journaling is something else that helps me.  Listening to music, going to movies, taking time for silence and meditation, these are ways for me to not turn off my feelings (or trick myself into thinking they're turned off).

Maybe your wife is a feeler and you're a thinker.  Maybe you're a feeler and your boss is a do-er.  You can see where these differences can sometimes be wonderful and complementary and other times lead to conflict!  I've found that it's worth  considering whether we tend to be thinkers, do-ers, or feelers.  Not only can it help us begin  to get a better sense of balance, a steadier place to come from, it can help us understand where we might be having differences with people we love.

walking a mile in another man's shoes

In 9th grade English class, we read To Kill a Mockingbird, and in addition to the paper that we had to write on the theme "conscience", I most remember our bubbly little teacher, Mrs. Campbell, repeating Atticus Finch's words "you can never really know a man until you walk a mile in his shoes."  (Atticus is such an awesome dad).

So, this week I tried that out, in a more specific way.  In theory, I'm forever walking a mile in another man's shoes, or at least trying to, because as a therapist, empathy is one of my more important tools.  But this week, I found myself considering empathy in amore  personal way - an issue came up with someone in my life - and in many ways, I felt I couldn't understand where that person was coming from.

I'm a big advocate of journaling - so I was journaling about this issue and suddenly the idea came to me about walking a mile in another man's shoes.  I decided to write a letter to myself as if I were that other person, a letter that had me addressing the conflict to ME, but from THAT person's point of view entirely.

It really helped.  For me, it didn't help because suddenly I understood something about the 'other side' that I didn't understand before.  I could have told you all the facts before I wrote the letter.  What it helped me do was feel the other person's feelings. And when I felt those feelings, my heart opened up a little.  The whole situation feels a little looser to me now, the conflict doesn't feel like a conflict.