Don't give up. Keep going.

Several dear friends and family members have said to me, particularly since I went into private practice, that some of the 'craziest' people they know are therapists and psychologists.  I don't take this personally, because I am certain they are not talking about me.  I mean, I am at total emotional peace and ease, 100 percent of the time, so the comment could not possibly apply.

Well...ok... ask my sister or husband how I did with our recent move.   I found myself incredibly frustrated and sad to see that a couple of the 'issues' that I'd worked on for myself over the years just seemed to crop up again and I didn't seem to be able to get the brakes on it.  Maybe the biggest for me is 'overwork.'  That doesn't mean literally just work, it's like workaholism that runs the gamut of housework, errands, in this case - packing, calling and dealing with all the various people who deal with house and moving stuff.  Under stress, I tend to get to where I won't take a break.  I resent going to the bathroom, because it takes me away from my tasks.  This is what my sister and I call the "rat on cocaine" gene.  I have no idea how we came up with this phrase (so evocative of me running around the house packing boxes and refusing to take a bathroom break!), but obviously, we have to blame our parents for our issues, so we've determined that it's genetic in origin.  Mom and Dad, I really am just kidding about blaming parents and/or the genetic part.  

Here's the problem  for me - something I see in the human condition in general, whether it's my clients or my friends or myself:  the unhealthy behavior is not a new thing.  I've seen overwork in myself and seen that it makes me feel burned out, exhausted, and resentful.  Why am I doing it again?  Why, when I know better, do I let stress trigger me into doing stuff I know doesn't work out well for me in the long run?  Why do any of us, when we know better, do the same thing over and over again, whether it's overworking, overdrinking, overworrying, sticking our heads in the sand to avoid problems, picking fights when we really know we shouldn't, etc., etc.?

Oh yeah...we are human.  If you have been bumping up against the same issue again and again in your life, that's okay.  It's what we tell ourselves about our patterns and how we get out of them once we're in that we can pay attention to.  \

One thing I liked about how I handled this particular moving situation is that I knew what was happening while it was happening.  I didn't wake up 3 months later and go - 'Hey Katy, you really were a rat on cocaine during that move.  Why did you do that?"  I knew I was doing it as I was doing it.  I also like that I asked for help quickly.  I started telling some family and friends, "I am not doing so great." 

The other thing that helped was a chance encounter with an inspiring woman who works at the Juvenile Detention Center in St. Louis.  I accompanied some students from the class I help with at Wash U to a service project they're doing at the detention center.  The woman who gave us our tour of the facility is a social worker and it was clear she loves the kids she works with.  She said that the positive adults who work and volunteer with these youth (who are adjudicated because of a variety of possible crimes from petty theft to murder), are planting seeds. She said, they might not remember a whole lot about the youth leaders on down the road, but years later, they may say, "that lady at the detention center.  She told me not to give up.  Keep trying.  Keep going."

In our own moments when we feel frustrated, angry, or down because we are looking the same issue in the face again, we'd do well to remember these words.  Don't give up.  Keep trying.  Keep going.

moving and blessings

First, I want to acknowledge that I've been 'gone' from the blog for longer than I intended.  As a family, we moved homes almost two weeks ago, and I can safely say I've had yet another 'learning experience.'  Learning experiences are really a mixed bag, aren't they?  The upshot is this:  when someone asks you if they can help you, you should say 'yes.' 

But what I wanted to write about, really, came as surprise yesterday as I was preparing for a presentation I'm making to the Spirituality and Social Work class I assist with in the Fall semester at the Brown School at Wash U.  Some of you may have seen that I sent out on facebook an 'ask' for my Jewish friends and family to write a little to me about how they connect with their religion and where they find meaning in their tradition (oh, yeah - my presentation is on Judaism and Social Work).

After the fb post there was a mild flurry of activity.  I was totally thrilled at the enthusiasm and joy in the responses.  As an unforeseen bonus, I was connected with the cantor, Leslie Caplan, at Central Reform Congregation, and had a delightful conversation with her.  In the context of a bigger story, she shared with me the idea of blessing, which I will attempt to re-share with you all because I found it touching.  Also, my apologies if I'm not getting it totally accurate (I hope it's the spirit of the law, if not the letter of the law).

A blessing is when we act in a way that demonstrates some essence of another person and in a sense honors that person.  When we do this, we bless that person.  I imagine, in the origination of the word and it's meaning, a blessing would be a serious thing.  For example, my Uncle Warren, who died almost ten years ago this Christmas was a person known to me to make very kind, unexpected and thoughtful gestures.  I remember in college when he learned that I was taking a metaphysical poetry class, he sent me his metaphysical poetry book from Yale with a very thoughtful note.  When I make kind, thoughtful, unexpected gestures for others, this is a blessing on my uncle.  We can do this for those who are living or dead, as I understand it.

I feel a sense of awe when I think about that, which by my way of thinking is a spiritual feeling.  I wonder also if we bless people in more mundane, but still meaningful ways - when my sister makes my grandmother's icebox rolls at the holidays or when my husband hushes us in church out of deference to his grandfather, the minister.   We have all been greatly influenced by the people we love -if feels good to praise them through our actions and pass along the best of them.

Thanks to everyone who is helping me with this presentation by sharing their stories and making these connections with and for me.