You've Probably Been Wondering When I Would Write About Sex...

I wonder what it would be like if sex and power weren't all mixed up together.

In the wake of #metoo and Harvey Weinstein, and also - my life - I've been thinking about the relationship, as it exists, between these two things, and I've been wondering what it would be like if we would or could unmix them.

Before you go on...if you listen to This American Life on NPR, you will hear Ira Glass, the host, sometimes say something like this, "This podcast will acknowledge that human beings have sex, so if you are listening with children, you may want to know that beforehand."  Now this is my warning for my readers (who could include some of my clients, not to mention my parents, and their friends - oh boy!):  "This blogpost will acknowledge that I have had sex, so if you are a sensitive reader who would rather not know that, stop reading now and put all of this out of your mind."

All right here we go.  Sex.  Power.  Sex. Mystery.  Death.  Can I bring it all together?  Read on:

1)  From time immemorial, bodies have been bought and sold as commodities.  This happens blatantly in prostitution and slavery, this happens in pornography, this happens, basically, in Hollywood, and it happens in our personal lives.  It happens in blatant ways, and more subtle.

2)  What leads human beings to look at other human beings as commodities to be bought and sold?  Objectification.  Which means "Degrading someone to the status of mere object."  Human beings have the capacity to take away the humanity of any one they see as less than.  This happens on the individual level, but it also happens at the level of group and society.  For example, a spoon is an object that is very useful to me.  I own a spoon. I like having a spoon to eat my soup.  If I get frustrated for whatever reason, I can throw my spoon against the wall and not really feel too bad.  I can easily get another spoon if that one breaks.  It would be too bad that I got angry, but whatever.  If I see women as a tool and women are useful to me, I feel the same way if I throw a woman against the wall or rape her or grab her in the crotch or whatever.  It's like, 'oh, well.  Get another.'  And not to mention that I would not imagine that the object/woman would have feelings about being thrown/grabbed/raped.

Overall, when we think of people as objects and treat them as objects -  whether for sex, for love, for money, for power, for labor - we dehumanize other people and if there is such a thing as evil, I think that's it.

Now, here's where things start to get confusing:  Though I don't believe bodies should be a commodity, in some ways, sex can be a commodity in ways that are realistic to our human experience.  Kind of like, we are not all 'making love' all the time, sometimes we are engaging in a recreational activity, sometimes we meeting a physiological desire, sometimes it's all a little animalistic.  Sometimes, there can be a supply and demand quality to it, that may or may not be unethical.

For example, what if Jane and Bert are married and Jane knows Bert might be more likely to vacuum the house if they played ping pong first.  She might play some ping pong to increase the chances that he vacuums.

Or, what if two people both like to play ping pong.  And Joe says to Sally - 'hey, if you play ping pong with me, I think I can introduce you to some people who can help you advance in your career.'

There are a couple elephants in the room when it comes to sex as a commodity:

Power.  In the scenarios above one has a clear power dynamic and one, maybe, has a more subtle power dynamic.  Joe has access to some things that are good for people in general, not just Sally.  Mostly career/financial improvement.  Sally has access to something he wants, too.  There are some Sally's in the world who might think - 'hey...he uses me for ping pong.  I use him for access to power/money/success.  Cool.  Good trade.'  There are more Sally's in the world who are like, 'shit.  I don't want to play ping pong with him, but I'm afraid to say no.  What if I he talks bad about me?  What if he uses his influence to make it so I can't get a job?' 

If and only if Sally sees ping pong as a commodity in the SAME WAY Joe does, I guess it's no harm no foul??  Only Sally can say for sure.

Here is an interesting article from the Harvard Business Review on this whole Weinstein deal, but also about how power seems to diminish the human capacity for empathy.  https://hbr.org/2017/10/sex-power-and-the-systems-that-enable-men-like-harvey-weinstein Sex, Power, and the Systems that Enable Men Like Harvey Weinstein

But in the scenario of Jane and Bert...well, who has power?  We don't know unless we are in that marriage.  There may be power dynamics at work, but I also think there is an issue of...

Consent.  In the scenarios above Jane is manipulating Bert - it would be a better relationship if Jane would own her shit - 'hey, if I play ping pong, will you vacuum?'   Bert could say, 'I'll just vacuum.  Ping pong should be about fun and not bartering.'  Or, he could say, 'Great idea.  Isn't it fun that we figured out a win/win?'

A friend and colleague of mine, Heather Raznick, is a sex and relationship therapist in St. Louis and she says that any kind of sex between consenting adults is fine as long as it's SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL.

But all of the above really takes away something from the conversation that I think we all feel at the gut level, but it's hard to put into words.  Most of us find sexual abuse, assault, harassment, egregious on a deeper level than some other crimes, like theft, or perhaps even plain, old physical assault.

There are powerful, vulnerable aspects of all that goes along with sex.  In fact, I kind of think it's one of the few things that normal people do that seem like magic.  The other one is death. 

From working around death and dying for a number of years, I've come to believe, and more so FEEL than believe, that there is something bigger and more powerful than biology going on when we are dying.  Inexplicable, strange things happen and I was and am often filled with a sense of awe.  A sense of how I don't know anything, but I feel connected to bigger things and I wish I knew more about them.  I wish I knew the mystery more fully.

I think the same happens - sometimes - during sex.  To me, whether we want it to be or not, whether we consciously think about it or not, when we have sex, we are in some way working with a mysterious force, more powerful than we are. 

A friend's aunt recently died in hospice care at Evelyn's House, the new hospice house that BJC built. (My alma mater...just a little plug).  She said that the aunt and all the family felt enveloped in love and care during the aunt's final days and hours.  It is easy to see how vulnerable a person's body is when it's dying.  It's easy to understand how much love and care a person's body might need at such a vulnerable time.

I think I'd like to make the case that this is one part of why we recoil and are so heart-broken to hear about so many women we know and so many we don't whose bodies have not been cared for and loved.  And when we think about our own experiences of being mistreated, abused, and disrespected, how we know this is an abuse of not only our bodies, but our spirits. 

Maybe sex and power really are inextricably interwoven in our human experience, but not because of the reasons that seem apparent on the outside - like socialized patterns of desire or arousal.   Maybe sex and power are connected because something about sex, sometimes, reaches for something mysterious.  Poets have written about this for centuries - an orgasm, in old poetry was called, 'the little death.'

Well, before I get to far from earth, here's what I know for sure.   Human bodies are precious.  Think of your child when he was a baby or toddler, think about the joy you have in watching him grow.  Think about wheeling your grandmother to dinner and shimmying her wheelchair up to the Thanksgiving table.  These bodies are amazing.  Love and take care of yours.  Love and take care of other people's bodies, too.

Listening to Your Gut Instinct Takes Guts...and Listening

A few of my patients in hospice were frank about dying.  Mary was one of them - about 70 years old, but a young 70 - a vibrant, well-dressed, sassy woman.  She was one of the few patients I worked with who opted into hospice care while she was still very able, but knowing that the aggressive, no-longer treatable cancer that she had would incapacitate her soon and her family and she would need the extra care and information.  She also came into hospice care with a feeding tube, a kind of unusual occurance at that time - in some cases, a feeding tube would be considered a life prolonging measure, but not in Mary's case.

Something about her character to show you more...I remember the second time I met with her, we sat in two big chairs in her first floor bedroom, chatting.  Her husband entered, and behind him followed a woman, a few years younger than Mary, who was clearly unknown to her.  The woman boldly stepped out behind the husband and strode over, hand outreached to greet Mary.  "Hello," she said.  "You don't know me, but I live down the street.  I heard about your cancer and I would like to pray over you, if that's okay with you."  Like Jim from the TV show, The Office, Mary looked over at me with a flummoxed, but simultaneously deadpan expression.  "Sure," she said.  "That'd be great."  Mary was not a traditionally religious person, but she was open to life and people.  After the lady left, Mary turned to me and said nonchalantly, "Well, that was kind of weird.  But nice."

Another day I visited, she beckoned me over to sit next to her in bed, patting the spot right beside her.  She was tired that day.  "How am I going to die?" she asked.

This is the moment when I turn to the camera like Jim from The Office, and what I am thinking is, "How the hell did I end up here?"  And when I say, Here, I mean in this crazy life doing this crazy job.  It's the sort of question few people asked me, but when they did, I had learned enough to be vague.  Not because it would hurt their feelings, or be frightening, but because in the face of death, a social worker really knows very little and is often surprised.  I'd say most nurses and doctors would even say the same thing.

"Well,"  I said, "All I can tell you is what I've seen in other people.  It doesn't mean it will be like this for you."

And I very frankly told her what I'd seen.  One thing I said, and I still find it astounding and true as I write it, "It seems like you wouldn't ever be able to let go of life, but people seem, at some point, to let go."

"How will I know when to let go?" Mary asked.

"I don't know."

"I think I will just know,"  Mary nodded as she said it.  "I will just have a gut instinct and I will know."

"Will you tell me when you know?"  I asked.

"I will.  I will tell you when I know."

In my private practice and also in my life, I encourage people to listen to their gut instinct, their intuition.  Most people know what I mean and have had the experience when their intuition has helped guide them in the right direction or when they didn't listen to their intuition and the results were not good.  More spiritual people, might name this sense, God.  I can go with any of these names because the aspect of the universe I mean is this deep knowing and wanting what is for our good and our health, the joy of us, the greater love in our life, the things that are beautiful in us.  Personally, I think our intuition guides us toward that as I believe in a loving God/Higher Power/Mystery that also guides us toward that.

So how do we listen to that more?  How do we know what it's saying?

Here's what it's not going to sound or look like, no matter how much we want it to:

Our gut instinct or even God, does not often give us direct message in the visage of Frankie Avalon telling us to go back to high school.  Even though, I don't know about you, but I LONG for my deep, universal messages to come to me in musical form.  And also very obviously.  Like, "DROP OUT OF BEAUTY SCHOOL."  Both obvious and musical messages would make my life more fun and also easier.

But mostly, I think we hear, what is called in theology, "the still, small voice."  And this is what we can practice listening to.  And take the heat off of ourselves...try listening when the stakes are small. Really small. One thing that my intuition with a small 'i' has been saying the past couple of years:  listen to classical music.  I know nothing about classical music, I don't play an instrument, I really couldn't know less.  But something just tells me to listen to it.  All I can say is that I feel calm and peaceful when I do.  Maybe that's enough.  Maybe all my intuition is trying to tell me is that I need peaceful sounds to go in my ears and that this is good for me.  Stakes are pretty low, but results feel right.

To me, that's how you begin gathering some evidence that there is some knowing in you that may be trusted.

Here's another way I sometimes wish my gut instinct or message from God would show up:

And truthfully, there have been a couple times in my life when more or less this is what happened.  No, not psychic Whoopi Goldberg, but either me or someone else has given me mental blaring sirens and 'get the hell out of here.' 

But mostly, even when the stakes are high, my inner wisdom is MINE, and I can't rely on a psychic, a therapist, a parent, or significant other to tell me what to do, when to do it, and why.

Some of the high stakes/grown up things we all deal with:  Should I take this new job?  Should I go to this doctor/take this treatment?  Should I stay in the relationship?  Should I enter the conflict?  Should I reach out to the person who hurt me?  Should I share my opinion?  Should I pursue the adoption?   Am I living the life I want to live?  What else is there in this life for me and how do I find it?

One of the last times I visited Mary, she said, "Well, I'm ready to let go.  And I was right,  I just knew."

"How did you know?"

"I knew when I couldn't make it to the bathroom and deal with it all myself.  I've stopped my tube feedings.  I don't want to live like that.  I don't want to live like that for very long."

What Mary had, that we all want and need, in order to listen to our still, small voice when the stakes are high and the chips are down, is that she knew and accepted herself.  She knew herself and what it meant to her to live a life with dignity and enjoyment.  It doesn't mean that has to be my line or your line, but it was her line.  And she knew it, and so she knew when to let go.

And maybe that is what I mean when I say to my clients or myself or my friend or my child, "Listen to your gut instinct"  - take the time to know who you REALLY are.  Knowing who you really are will clear your ears to hear, your eyes to see, and your mind to think.  Many times, our gut instinct does not clear the whole path all the way down the line and forever - we don't drop beauty school, go back to high school, graduate, attend Harvard and live happily ever after.  Our still, small voice leads us to the next place that is good for us, that place which is for our health and well-being for that moment of our life. 

The next moment will come.  There is rarely only one right thing to do next.  Just keep listening.