A dear friend wrote me recently after reading my last blog post and asked me this question:..."what about the people who don't care if they do wrong and aren't looking to correct or make amends for their mistakes?" I wrote back and said something like, "well, now you're asking me about a**holes and I need to think more clearly about what I think of them or how I deal with them." So this post is my take on that.
It seems like it's timely because there have been several of them in the news lately. Donald Trump and Bill Cosby come to mind. But before I say anything more about that, I hope you'll indulge me in a little story.
About two years ago, I was driving down my street, which happens to be a pretty busy thoroughfare. My kids, who were in 2nd and 4th grades at the time were complaining loudly - it was after school, they were hungry and we were heading to therapy. And despite being children of a therapist, they look at therapy like most kids who have to go to therapy look at it - basically as torture. But the reason we were going was that our family was in a terrible crisis. My husband and I were separated and it looked like we were heading for divorce. I was working, taking care of them, and thinking that my marriage and life as I had hoped it would be was over. I was almost at my wit's end.
So the kids are complaining (maybe one of them was crying even?!) in the backseat and we were running barely on time for therapy. And there was longstanding street construction on our road that entailed a detour, which was totally a nuisance at that moment. I knew the construction project was almost complete and it was around 5 pm on a darkening October day. I noticed the truck in front of me going straight down the road rather than taking the detour. Multi-tasking, I continued to encourage and/or berate my kids in the backseat while making the split second decision that the construction zone must be re-opened and that since the truck in front of me was going through, I could too and thank God, because that will shave 2 minutes off my drive time and be ever so much more convenient for me.
But I was wrong. The truck was a construction truck and in fact, was entering the work zone to work. An older gentleman from one of the neighborhood homes happened to be out in his yard as I realized my mistake and began the process of a 10-point turn to get myself out of the work area. I soon saw that he was screaming at me from his yard, something like, "Don't you read?!? The road is closed! I'm sick of you people who think you're above the rules!!"
"I'm sorry!" I sheepishly grin, using my cute lady persona. "I'm just doing the best I can."
"No, you're not. You're not doing the best you can!" he yells back, face contorting in rage.
Now, I'm offended. Screw him. Doesn't he know I'm probably getting divorced, my children are miserable and I'm driving them to therapy after a full day of work?!
"I'm sorry you're such an angry person." I retort indignantly, as the kids are hiding on the floor of the backseat totally embarrassed by my talking back to this man.
(Most of you know, the larger picture ends happily because my husband and I were able to reconcile and not only repair but renew our marriage. And our kids are wonderful and goofy like kids are supposed to be and we all get support from friends, family, therapists and community and we are all in a much stronger place to give that support to others too. But this is not a story about reconciliation and renewal.)
This is a story about being an a**hole. So, when I think about being an a**hole, I think it means saying or doing whatever you want, whatever feels good or easy in the moment without care or concern about how it impacts others. In the story above - I was kind of an a**hole, even though I felt justified in the moment. Though my neighbor could have been more gracious toward me, and must less a**hole-ish himself, I did not take into account what it must be like to have construction in front of your home for 6 months, or what it must be like to have the confusion and noise of unheeding drivers right next to your home. I felt that my personal misery gave me the right to do what I wanted without regard to him. Or hoping I wouldn't get caught. I don't beat myself up about this, I feel compassionate toward myself in that moment. And I also feel compassionate toward him.
So, here's where I come down on "What about people who make mistakes and just don't care. What about people who do wrong again and again and hurt others?": Spend as little time focusing on those people as possible. If I focus too much on people who are doing wrong, maybe I feel temporarily superior. Maybe I feel good because I'm on the side of being 'right' and they are on the side of being 'wrong.' But chances are, if I think too much about them or my rage about them, I start to become more selfish, more intolerant, more cruel.
In many ways, I am one of the least naive people I know. I have worked with children who have endured terrible cruelty at the hands of people who were supposed to take care of them and love them. I have seen people kill themselves with drugs and witnessed the wake that leaves behind for their families. I've been in homes where people don't have enough money for food or medicine for their children. I cannot deny the existence of bullies like Bill Cosby or Donald Trump in the world.
But, I don't even like the word a**hole, though I guess I've used it for some effect while I've written this. It reduces people to objects. Even a person who embodies the worst of humanity is still a person. If I reduce them to a stereotype or a slur, I make them an object in the same way that I am pained that women, children, and in our society, non-white people are made objects. When people are made objects, all sorts of heinous things are done to them. I don't want to add to that. It's all inter-related, so I must do my part
Here's my answer, Friend, long though it is: Let's think more about the front end than the 'back end'. If I am kind and you are kind, love grows bigger in this world. I think that's the best we can do.
