I Enjoy Being A Girl - Getting Along with Women and Female Friendships

'Let kindness win,' a friend of mine wrote recently on facebook when posting pictures of the start of school for our middle school age daughters.  I hear, see and feel both the anxiety of moms who have 'been there' and know what it's like to navigate female friendships at this age, as well as witnessing the awkward identity exploration that my own kid is living.  I guess I've been thinking about female friendships lately.

But it's not just kid friendships I've been thinking about. Adults too.  Another woman I know - a leader in my community in the area of racial equity, who really puts herself out there in vulnerable ways, lamented in the past week about the way competition, conformity, and conditional connection impact women's (white progressive women in particular) relationships. 

A part of me recognizes that this dysfunction in women's friendships is founded in some reality.  Yet, I also find myself irritated that women have a reputation (even among ourselves) for being fickle, critical, backbiting or petty, because the larger part of me doesn't find this to be true, or that it is an oversimplification.  It's not that I haven't had negative or stereotypical experiences with women's friendships - for me, these were in the teen/early 20s years, and I am sure I was at the time, also trying to find my way to myself and my own sense of identity.

Since being an 'adult', I've found that my friendships and even acquaintance relationships with women have been full of generosity and kindness, moments of deep honesty, and also deeply hilarious moments.  But I hear from other women that this is not always the case.  If you are concerned about your female friendships or the way women relate to one another in the workplace, as volunteers, friends, etc., I share a few pieces of my personal experience as food for thought.

1.  I don't like being part of a group or clique.  I love my friends and some of them are part of a group or clique, but I prefer being on the periphery of that.   I think I am just that amount introverted.  I also really appreciate having friends in a variety of areas - friends from growing up, friends from the neighborhood, friends from work, friends who are writers.  I think this has added to my positive experiences of women friends and I've found that I have not been required to conform.

2.  As an adult, I have let go of whether I am liked, and I am much more interested in liking other people.  I've written about that before - as a human being, regardless of gender, I find it transformative to look for what is loveable and likeable in others and appreciate that.  Even people who, on the surface, seem to annoy me.  I know that people who annoy me might be entirely loveable to someone else and if I need to get along with that person on a team or in a friend group, I will be more at peace if I look for what is likeable/loveable in them.   I also recognize that on rare occasions, someone might be really toxic.  In that case, I don't try to change them or talk bad about them.  I simply minimize my contact with that person.

3.  I am genuinely happy for the achievements of my women friends.  I believe there is enough of everything to go around - there's enough love to go around.  There are enough achievements and accolades to go around.    I am PROUD - beyond proud - and energized by what the women I know are out in the world doing.  Being moms, running businesses, living overseas, going back to work, leading community organizations, changing faith organizations.  Go Friends!  Go Women!

4.  I try to practice being a good listener.  And I try to practice having hard, awkward conversation in a gentle way.  Being able to communicate about tough stuff  makes relationships better.  My sister told me, when she was about 19 and I was about 23, "You have to quit treating me like a child."  It was a pivotal moment and not easy, because it was true. She said it and I could hear it.

I also remember one of my hospice patients asked, "How will I die?  Will you sit down and tell me what will happen to my body and what it will feel like for me?"  I sat on the side of her bed, while she patted my leg in a grandmotherly gesture, and I said to her, "I don't know exactly, but if you want me to tell you the best I can guess, I will tell you."  "Yes," she said.  And I did.  And she said, "You are good at your job."

Practicing talking about hard things in a truthful, but kind way makes all our relationships better.

5.  I am not finished growing, and I hope I never will be, but I try to be clear about what I'm about and who I am.   I know that some people think I'm wishy washy or that my blog might be a place for me to take a more strident stand, but I guess that the spiritual part of me strongly believes that to combat hate, we need warriors and healers.  We need translators.  We need teachers.

What does this have to do with being female?  Or getting along with other women?  Maybe this addresses the conformity issue again  and maybe competition - I believe we need all kinds of women and men who are good at different things.  I don't need you to be like me.

6.  I see other people's husband's and boyfriend's as 100% off limits.  When I was in my 20s I cheated on a boyfriend.  I felt so crappy and awful about my actions.  And that was me cheating.  I also deeply know what it is like to be betrayed.   The whole thing is a mess.  I've found that the thrill of sexual attraction is an unpredictable power.  It is most often a short term thrill that can have long term consequences.  Maybe because of working in hospice, I have a strong long-term perspective.  I hope that makes sense.

7.  I try to be understanding of the ebbs and flows of friendship and closeness.  It's not that I haven't felt the sting of friendships that were once close and then seem not to be.  That is an awful sting.  But I try to remember that people have their own stuff going on that probably has nothing to do with me.  And if it has to do with me, a really good friend will find a way to tell me in a kind way.  And I will try to give that respect to my friends too.  One of my dearest friends found herself talking negatively about another friend more frequently than she was comfortable with.  She told me, "I believe I am a better friend to that woman by NOT being her friend."  I thought that was so wise.

So those are some aspects of my adult experience with women's friendships and relationships and what guides or influences me that I think have opened very enriching personal and professional relationships for me. 

When I graduated from college, I spent one week at home and then drove with my mother across the country  to Washington, D.C. for a job.  I was moving into a Georgetown townhouse with three guys.  Mom, I'm sure, had some concerns about moving me into a house with three guys, but if she did, she kept it to herself.  One was my friend from college who was a year older and the other two were friends of his.  I lived with those guys about 8 months before my best girl friend from St. Louis moved to DC and I moved in with her at that point.  But I loved living with those guys.  We ate Dominoes pizza every Sunday and watched football, they took me everywhere and knew about all things 'DC.'  I was the youngest and least responsible.  I don't think I did chores without cajoling.  You know the disco song, "It's ladies' night and the feelings right?"  They used to sing it to me once a week on trash night, "You know it's ladies' night and the feeling's right.  It's ladies' night - TAKE OUT THE TRASH!"  This was their nudge (which I found so funny), that I should do a little work.

I've always had guy friends who are very important to me.  But, I am not a guys' girl.  I am a girls' girl.  What I mean is, if I had to pick a team - I really think I'm lucky to be a woman. 

I hope this isn't oversimplifying, but I think that the things that go wrong with women's friendships, that seem stereotypical - things like competition, or psychological punishment are often part of a greater human struggle.  The struggle to be loved, to feel powerful or important, to be seen.  I think men grapple with these things too, but their tools may be different.  Perhaps less subtle (take out the trash!). 

As I was telling my son that I was writing a blog about female friendships in response to some of my recent observations, my Young Naysayer/ENTP said, "Are you going to blame toxic masculinity and the Patriarchy?" 

I said, "No, I'm going to blame Capitalism." 

"You're a gross person, Mom" he said. 

And you know what my daughter said? "I love it, Mom.  This will be the best one you've ever written." 

Not Exactly Oprah, But...My Favorite Things - Books I Want To Share With You

When I started my private therapy practice in 2010, I had to think a little bit about something that feels gross to a social worker:  marketing myself.  What would be my brand?  What did I have to offer?  I believe both love and business sense are needed to sustain a private therapy practice (not to mention, marriage).

I thought about my philosophy for therapy, what might make me different as a therapist.

One of these differences I articulated to myself was that I thought therapy could actually be fun.  Why not?  Not every moment of therapy, but  mixed in with the grief or breakthroughs or grappling with inner demons, could be humor, fun, and play.  And I created a little fantasy (which amused me, if no one else) that maybe I could be the Oprah of therapy and I could have a 'favorite things' day, where at the end of a session, I could get a mischievous gleam in my eye and say, "Look under your chair!   Just feel around down there - each and every one of my clients today will get my latest favorite thing  - A NEW LIP GLOSS!"  (My ambitions were modest, and possibly sexist.  Maybe men clients would get a lip balm...).  But, just the vision was fun for me.

So now it is eight years later, and I've been thinking more about the idea of sharing my favorite things.  Not lip gloss, but resources.  I hold the old exuberance of sharing for the sheer joy of it, but also for practical reasons now (the old balance between love and business). People call me frequently for resources and I thought it might be a good idea to have a place to refer them - my blog.  So, this will be the first of maybe a few 'favorite things' blogs during the next few months.  And because I get to write it, I get to start in the place that is most inspiring  for me:

Books.  In my own, real, everyday life, some of my favorite things are books.  Books make me feel peaceful and hopeful and reverent.  When I go into a book store, sometimes it can be like going into church.  I'm delighted and I feel magical and I love the smell.

I share the books below because they have impacted me, moving me toward something important in my mind, heart, or spirit.  This is not a comprehensive list, but some of the books I recommend most frequently to clients.  Ok!  Here we go!  Look under your chair!

BOOKS I LOVE THAT WILL HELP YOU THROUGH HARD TIMES - NON-FICTION

1.  Peace Is Every Step - by Thic Nhat Hanh.  He is a Buddhist monk and he will show you hos even washing dishes can bring you a feeling of peace.  And even better, he'll show you how your inner peace will make the world more peaceful.

2.  The Places that Scare You - by Pema Chodron.  She will teach you that you have to practice self-compassion, especially around your own fears.  Her words make it feel possible to be both gentle and a warrior at the same time.

3.  When Bad Things Happen to Good People - by Rabbi Harold Kushner.  He will help you when you feel the feeling - 'Why.  Why did this happen.  How could God let this happen. If there is a loving God, why is there so much suffering.'

4.  The Four Agreements - by Don Miguel Ruiz .  Even though there is a new-age-y element, this is a really practical book.  If you practice the four agreements (Spoiler:  the first two are to be totally honest in everything you say and the second is to take nothing personally), you will find your life changed.  Seriously.

5.  Man's Search for Meaning - by Viktor Frankl.  This book will help you understand that no matter what difficulty you face, you are part of a larger human experience and both suffering and survival.  You will be encouraged to find the meaning in your own life, no matter what.

6.  Healing After Loss - by Martha Hickman.  No other book is as good for grieving, in my opinion.  Each page is one day of the year.  If you are grieving, you only have to have the attention span for one page.  The author does have a spiritual perspective, primarily Christian, so if you're atheist, you might bump into that.  But I think there is beautiful writing and she touches on every part of grief and healing.

POETRY THAT INSPIRES AND CONSOLES

1.  The Bible.  The stories and Psalms and poetry are what I grew up with.  If you grew up with a positive experience in the Christian church, you will also find wisdom and comfort here.

2.  The Art of Losing - edited by Kevin Young.  Kevin Young brings together poetry that touches on almost every part of grief, loss and continuing to live - from the people we lose to the rituals around death.  Comprehensive and beautiful.

CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT TELL STORIES OF THE HUMAN CONDITION WITH LOVE AND HUMOR.  GROWN UPS NEED MORE OF THIS

1.  Because of Winn-Dixie - by Kate DeCamillo.  This book has great lessons about loving and letting go.  It's funny and magical and poignant.  When someone wants to leave you, you have to let them.

2.  Owl At Home - by Arnold Lobel.  This is a short, illustrated little kids' book.  You will see your own anxiety and neuroses in Owl and you will laugh at yourself and maybe let go of your worry or self-pity.

3.  Love That Dog - by Sharon Creech.  Trying to push away your grief doesn't work in the end.  Sometimes poetry and a good teacher can help you tell your story.

4.  Walk Two Moons - by Sharon Creech.  I like how this book helps kids (and adults) deal matter of factly with suffering and survival.  Hard things happen and good things happen and we have to deal with reality.

5.  The Graveyard Book - by Neil Gaiman.  This is the Hero's Journey.  It is about the patchwork of people (even if they are dead or undead) that it takes to raise a child and launch him (or her) into the world.  It gives you courage to face scary things, understanding that you are not alone.

6.  The Little Prince - by Antoin de Saint-Exupery.  This book is full of mystery and wisdom, about life, love, death, survival and letting go.

7.  The Thirteen Clocks - by James Thurber.  Humor and Romantic Love and Chivalry.  Poetry.  And a Golux, who says, "I make mistakes.  But I am on the side of Good."

8.  Anything by Madeleine L'Engle, C.S. Lewis, J.K. Rowling, who write not so much about grief, but about hope, faith, friendship, family and destiny.  The Hero's Journey.


ADULT FICTION THAT SHAPED MY WORLDVIEW

1.  To Kill A Mockingbird-  by Harper Lee.  Most people have read this.  I was required to do my freshman in high school composition about conscience about this book (Thank you, Mrs. Campbell, I still remember).  No other book, in my opinion, will help you remember the feeling of being a kid in summer or remind you what it feels like to understand that people are complicated and that each person's story is deeper than what it looks like at first glance.

2.  Catch-22 - by Joseph Heller.  This is a book when that will remind you of the absurdity of our human experience.  When you are caught in a no-win situation, it will help you endure it or figure out a way to get out.  It will give you that little bit of anger and energy you might need to call bullshit on bullshit.

3.  A Tree Grows In Brooklyn - by Betty Smith.  This book will give you empathy for what it is like to be poor, have a drunk father, and have aspirations (and hope) to live a better life.  Betty Smith's portrait of the human condition and the beauty and cruelty of people is just as true as it was when she wrote is 90 years ago.

4.  Slaughterhouse Five - by Kurt Vonnegut.  War is insanity.

I know it's not keys to a new car, but books, to me, are keys to other things.

And if you are wondering why I haven't written for a while..-it's because we got a new dog, which is like adopting a toddler.  For me, I fluctuate between affection, fear, and simply enduring the chaos.

Maybe this is also why books are on my mind.  When I am anxious, I need to rest my brain (why does a new dog make me anxious?  A topic for another blog).  My brain is resting with books and I'm I'm not sure if it's time to re-read Catch-22 or Peace is Every Step.  Maybe both.