For a person who makes her living essentially helping people to thrive in or at least cope with change, it might be surprising just how mixed up I myself can feel when change happens in my life - even good change. Or little changes that can bring with them some weird baggage.
Case in point: we live in a really old house - it was built in the 1860s, and though many updates have been made by various owners over the years (thankfully, we have indoor plumbing), we don't have a 'master suite', unlike many newer homes. The four of us in our family all share one upstairs bathroom. Even though we have a downstairs full bath, it's more convenient to shower by the bedroom.
Yet, the kids are getting older. My son and I have had a couple blood curdling (for him) run-ins when our downstairs toilet was broken and I was in the shower upstairs. The kids don't neatly fit around the sink to brush their teeth at night and the screaming and shoving matches at tooth-brushing time are more frequent and ridiculous. So over the weekend, my husband announces that he thinks the guys in our family should start using the downstairs bathroom. And I'm like, "Great idea!" But, then a little part of me gets sad (I know, it's weird). A little part of me is sad because the kids are growing up. What if spreading apart in physical space means growing apart? Listen, I know it's crazy. I'm just saying that that one little change, which is really a good thing and shows an acceptance of our family reality, has it's own little moments of grief.
Another bigger change occurred in my life in the past couple of weeks. For twelve years, since I became a mom, I've worked part time Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and two Saturdays a month. My weeks had a consistency and rhythm. It's just what I did and how I did it. Recently, I was given the opportunity to change my days to Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday and two Saturdays a month - and suddenly it seemed like this amazing opening of time. I hadn't realized how much I needed it until it was offered to me - a way to feel a sense of being more present - both present at home on my home days and present at work on my work days. A way for me to organize and compartmentalize my time. What an opportunity. And last week was my first week of that change. It felt great! But it also felt uncomfortable. It felt uncomfortable because it made other people uncomfortable. My change impacted my office mates in some good ways, in some ways they didn't like, and in some neutral ways. It made me kind of itchy on the insides because one of my issues is not being an issue to other people. It made me itchy on the insides because I'm a person of routine and my routine is shaken up.
I've been thinking about changes in our community/public life too - what change is happening, what it will look like, what part do I want to play? I am thinking today about my church and minister which is taking an active role in allying with the Black Lives Matter movement, and the football players at Mizzou. Something is changing in our racial culture and St. Louis and Missouri are an integral part of it. There is conflict, discomfort, burnout, dread. There is great discomfort on the part of both black people and white people. Change is happening, we just don't have the perspective of time to know what these changes really mean and what they will look like - it's not as simple as changing your workdays.
Most of us don't make changes in our lives until way past time. That's how hard change is. Most of us go about our days, not realizing that the feelings of discontent or burnout or lack of energy or creativity, the negative relationships, or the dread, are all indicators that change is wanting to happen. Change starts telling us it's needed or imminent, if we pay attention and are willing. Change can be internal (how we think about something) or external (how we do something). Change will happen whether we want it to or not, whether we are ready or not. Sometimes we know exactly what needs to change, sometimes, we don't know what, but something needs to change.
Listen to your life. Look at what's happening in your life as if you've never seen it before. It's not right or wrong, better or worse, to make a change happen versus let a change happen. The real wisdom is accepting the change. Just accepting it.
My mom will sure love the title of this blog, because she raised us on protest and folk music of the 60s - it probably shaped the deepest parts of my brain in ways I'll never fully know - so I might as well leave you with a little Bob Dylan, who talks in his own way about acceptance, too:
Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'
Read more: Bob Dylan - The Times They Are A-changin' Lyrics | MetroLyrics
