So, my kids are in various weekly summer camps right now and I discovered (rather brilliantly) last week that I could carpool with other parents to summer camp. (I am a slow learner sometimes). Thanks in large part to the deft organization of another mom - this week I have an emailed schedule of each morning and afternoon pick up/drop off and who in our group of parents is to do it. Monday was a designated pick up day for me. At 3:15 in the afternoon I got in the long line of cars waiting for sweaty children. Still waiting at 3:25 I got a text from one of the other moms in our group, who coincidentally, was ALSO in line for pick up. Here's a little play of my interior monologue and the texts.
Katy gets text from Other Mom, which says: "Don't worry if we're late, the line for pick up is long."
Katy thinks: "Oh shit. I'm a screw* up. I probably read the email with the schedule wrong. I'm probably not supposed to be here and now I messed the whole thing up."
Katy sends text : "I'm in line too."
Other mom texts back: "Hilarious. I didn't read the schedule and was going by memory."
* Full disclosure - it was really the F word.
Here is why, even though I'm a therapist, I still have work to do on my Self. There is an ocean of difference between your first thought, after making an error (or possible error) being - Oh shit. I'm a screw up and that first thought being, Hilarious.
For those of us prone to perfectionism (and hence, anxiety), the smallest glitches in the system can feel horrific. When I am stressed or rushed or feeling highly responsible, something happens to my subconscious mind. It gives me instantaneous emotional feedback that my 'error' will cause Armageddon and/or the lifelong misery of my children. If I were doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself I'd say that my perfectionism causes me to Catastrophize.
Now, my logical brain knows this is not true. But my body feels like it is true and I have to go through a process of talking myself down from the ledge.
One of the great things about being a therapist, is that you talk to so many people about their inner lives, that you realize whatever it is you yourself struggle with, millions of other people struggle with it too and this is why I like to write about my life. If you are a perfectionist or a ORP (Overly Responsible Person), your first thought is not reality.
I talk all the time about compassion and self-compassion. One piece of that is also being humble in a good way (not self-deprecating). The truth is, it's okay to make mistakes, to cause other people inconvenience, to say something awkward, because we are human. Because we all make mistakes. Because our mistakes don't really add up to much in the scheme of things. How we talk to ourselves about those mistakes does add up though.
Because of this smart mom I know, I now have something better to say to myself next time I make a mistake - something wise and true and humble: Hilarious.
