saying what you mean, listening to what's said

How many of us have ever found ourselves being on one end or another of this conversation:

Person 1:  "What's wrong?"

Person 2: "Nothing."

Person 1:  "Oh, it just seems like something's wrong."

Person 2:  "Well, there's not."

How many Person 1's have walked away from that conversation not believing Person 2?  How many Person 1's start looking for ways that Person 2 is actually mad, but just not saying it.

What is this all about?  Why is this so common?  In how many ways is this unhealthy for all of us? 

I'm going to posit a theory that I notice from both my own life and from my experience in my work.  Person 1 has usually had a formative experience with an original Person 2 who was an indirect communicator.

Let's make this more concrete...if, for example, my first serious boyfriend who I was 'with' for four years from ages 16 to 20 was an indirect communicator, I may have asked, "what's wrong?" sometime when we were driving to a party.  "Nothing," he might have said, but then at the party he gave me the silent treatment or flirted with other girls. 

Or, for example, if I asked my mother, "what's wrong?" and when I was 9 years old, and she said, "Nothing," but then stomped around the house and slammed kitchen cabinets and was very short-tempered, and this was part of a longstanding pattern, I might have learned to not trust her verbal information and try to read very carefully her non-verbal information. 

Some people might say the Person 2 in these examples is 'passive aggressive," and I agree that might be a convenient label.  More generously, we might also say that these particular Person 2's are not in touch with their feelings or how their feelings might impact their actions.  Or, they might simply be very, very afraid of conflict and unable to directly address whatever is wrong.

So now we have sussed out a little of a common pattern in relationships - the WHY of this situation.

Here is what I'd like to consider to improve the emotional health of Person 1s and some Person 2's everywhere. 

Person 1 - listen to me, now.  Don't generalize whatever you picked up from your 'passive aggressive' relationship onto other relationships!  Live in the present, not the past!  You may actually be dealing with a Person 2 who is being honest when they say 'nothing is wrong.'  If nothing is wrong (and it probably isn't), you must relax.  Stop paying attention to every nuance of Person 2's behavior, voice inflection, breathing.  Take them at their word.   It's their responsibility to let you know if something is wrong.

Now, if you are a Person 2 who finds that you actually, well, yeah, sometimes take things out on someone you care about without explaining why you're mad, or punish them just a little, or kind of enjoy that they come to you and kind of have to kiss up to you...stop it.  Speaking honestly is one of the most important components of self-respect.  If someone asks you if something's wrong, you might simply want to answer, ' I don't know.  Let me think about it and I'll tell you when I have a clear idea about what's going on.'  We don't always have to have an immediate answer to every interpersonal interaction.

If you're a Person 2 who really means nothing is wrong...what can I say...try to have patience with your Person 1.  Understand you have a great opportunity to help heal something that is painful. 

I must confess that in my life, I have tended to be more of a Person 1 - a caregiver, a reader of non-verbal cues.  I don't think I am as much this way now - certainly not in the same ways I was when I was younger and struggling more with interpersonal relationships.  Now, I tend to use my skills of intuition, reading non-verbal cues, tone of voice, understanding of human nature, in my work and writing.  This is part of my healing.  And in the end, much of what I think we all can imagine and hope for, is to really live in the PRESENT and not the past.  To understand the moment, our relationships, our loves and ourselves as we are NOW,  and not in the shadows of past pains.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Like Facebook

I've been intrigued by what facebook has done for our mental health.  As a therapist, I cannot tell you how often fb comes up as a topic. 

Here's what I notice primarily:  Facebook can be socially really rough for some people.  It is a source of constant social comparison.  At a simple level, "how many friends do I have" compared with other people?  In a more nuanced emotional expression, I notice that many people are both cynical of how their 'friends' present themselves publicly as well as jealous and insecure (i.e., her family looks like they have so much fun!  Joe goes on better vacations than I do!, or all my friends in Seattle are having the best time together, they're not going to care about being friend with me anymore!).   I would say this is easily the most negative outcome for a lot of folks.

But I also see ways fb influences us that are kind of 'in-between' - neither wholly good nor wholly negative... something we can stay aware of and curious about.  Sometimes we feel a sense of anxiety or disconnection - fb can be an easy fix to feel connected again.  "I burned my chocolate chip cookies!"  Or "my kid had the flu" - it's a great feeling to have a bunch of friends offer their quick support - I know I've truly appreciated it, when I've reached out over fb in that way. We also want to share and connect in celebration - I think most of us mostly enjoy the opportunity to celebrate and acknowledge our good friends. On the other end of the spectrum, we may miss out on connecting with people who are with us, physically, including our kids, when we are getting such instant gratification from fb.  We feel lulled by sometimes surface relationships and find it easy to ignore people who are there with us.  Most people I know who are on fb lament what a time suck it can be.  I'm a person who gets on fb 4-6 times a week, but whenever I am, I'm like "Oh my gosh, I've been on here a half hour and I had no idea!"

I also think it's interesting the way fb brings our past into our present.  We are easily able to be in community in immediate and accessible ways with people, who even ten years ago would have been sort of marked in the compartment of our 'past.'  Recently, I've had a couple really meaningful reconnections with friends, who 'pre-fb' might have been much harder to find.  Yet, I wonder if kids graduating from high school in 2012 will find the same meaning in looking at different times in their life that people in my generation and older have had.   Again, I don't condemn this or long for an earlier time, I just believe that if fb is not a 'fad' and will be a tool that all of us utilize on into our old age, it will impact our sense of  time, nostalgia, and the very meaning of our own 'past.'  What will that be like?

In the end, I just want us to be curious and thoughtful about fb.  I would love to instruct all my 'young' clients to: STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO EVERYBODY ON FACEBOOK.  If you find that you're one of these people, I recommend scaling way back on your usage.  A phrase many of us have heard and is worth repeating is, "you can't compare your insides to somebody else's outsides." 

We are all more interesting, complicated, flawed, and gifted than our fb profiles.  Thankfully.