Well, you knew it had to come from a blogger. A blog about selfishness. Oy vay. But, I'm going to give this a try. I read an article this week about what makes a happy, contented marriage vs. what just makes a long marriage.
Here's the main point of it from the NYT: "Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship." The rest can be read at http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=the%20happy%20marriage%20is%20the%20me%20marriage&st=cse .
Self-expansion. Hmmm. Marriage that benefits...me. The article says that this is rather counter to what most people think. Most people think marriage has some emotional base in taking care of the other person. So, to think about marriage like, "what can I get out of this?" would be a way to mentally reframe what we might seek out of a lifelong partnership. I tend to think people are not so simple-minded in their approach to marriage, but that's not really the point. The point, I think, is about "healthy selfishness," which is a phrase I'm borrowing from my friend and colleague, Dr. Anthony Castro, who wrote a book, Creating Space for Happiness , which you can get a better look at at http://www.dranthonycastro.com/CreatingSpace.html .
A lot of our religious and moral upbringing warns us against selfishness, yet we live in a terribly selfish culture. So, what are real the pros and cons to 'selfishness'? When are we 'taking care of ourselves? When are we self-expanding in a positive way that recharges us and helps us actually be more giving and creative in the world? When are we giving too much or too other-centered and therefore become resentful and martyrs? Good questions with probably as many answers as there are readers of this blog.
I like the idea of marriage as a partnership of self-expansion. I know that I've learned a lot from my husband - about skiing, about different areas of the country where he has family roots, about cooking, about music- and those are the superficial things. In fact, I think the article focuses on outward expressions of self-expansion. Self-expansion focused inwardly is also a worthy purpose and may be a tool to help us evaluate our relationships.
It kind of reminds me of when I was a kid and I used to worry about whether I wanted to be a good person for the sake of being a good person or did I just want to go to Heaven (which I judged to be a bad motivation for 'being good.') As I got older, I finally thought: who cares. Just be a good person and don't worry about motivation.
My practice, A Course In Miracles, teaches that basically, if we don't give to and build up ourselves, we have less to give to the world. It's the old "don't keep your light under a bushel" idea. I love that.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny: I was just writing of jealousy. It's another cast-out, black sheep relative of selfishness; a little bit less productive, maybe, but awareness nonetheless.