I ain't gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more

"Well, I try my best
To be just like I am.
But everybody wants you
To be just like them." - Bob Dylan, Maggie's Farm


Talking with my buddy about high school the other day, I asked him what he was like at that time of life, "I've always been a conformist," he replied. I thought that was a funny, honest reply.

This was an interesting comment to me, too - because I'd already been thinking about the pros and cons of conforming...maybe it is the time of year, with holiday parties and other social obligations. Several women I know have been expressing worry, if not panic, about what dress to wear to various functions. Will others judge them on their appearance? Their choice to pursue a career or be a stay-at-home mom? Their college degree or lack of it? For some women I know, this can be a nearly paralyzing feeling that they have before most social events.

I tend to be more like my buddy. Though we can never see ourselves fully from the outside, my sense is that I've been able to 'fit in' when I 'needed' to. Like high school. I also don't tend to panic about Christmas parties.

Yet, blending in to the social norm was a learned skill for me, not innate. It's my recollection that I spent a year or two of elementary school choosing to go to the library instead of recess because I didn't care for the games the other kids played (boys chase girls was distasteful to me). I preferred to be alone and read books about whales and dolphins in order to bone up for my future career as a marine biologist. Who knows what combination of factors kept me from not being beat up. In fact, I remember a feeling of acceptance in elementary school, a feeling that I could be just who I was. Was this a result of supportive teachers and staff? Classmates who were exceptionally kind? Was it a more innocent time? Did I give off a confidence in my own preferences and decisions?

As kids get older, though, it seems several categories of people develop. I know it became important for me to feel a part of the crowd at about sixth grade. As time goes on, some people seem to want to conform, but can't seem to sufficiently camouflage their individuality. Some people seemed to never need to fit in because they were always just there, fitting in. Some people don't fit the mold and seem to not care about fitting it anyway. Some people, and these are the ones I'm talking about (like my buddy) find a way or a code to 'fit in' and probably starting in middle school, it feels pretty good to fly under the radar in this way. To be part of the group. To feel normal.

Yet, fitting in can backfire as time passes. If a large component of our confidence or inner peace is derived from not appearing other, I think we tend to lose our very selves. When we're getting dressed to go out, whose voice is it we hear in our heads? When we are conversing, are we thinking about how our image will be conveyed to others? Do we send ourselves out into the world through the filter of some imagined norm? I think the ability and for some people even the knack for conforming over the years erodes their sense of who they are and then they wake up one day and don't know.

I included the lyrics from Bob Dylan above because in my cynical moments, there have been times in my life when I feel that "everybody want me to be just like them" and I resent it. The truth (like Thirteen Way of Looking at a Blackbird), is a lot more nuanced. I can only say what I have learned and hope it is interesting or useful to someone because it's been interesting and useful for me: try to surround yourself with people who don't want you to be just like them. People who celebrate you trying new things, your idiosyncracies (like your attempt to write a blog, take an acting class, or write poetry or whatever. And p.s. thank you to my husband, who supports my idiosyncracies.) Also, examine whether these other people really want you to be just like them. Maybe they wanted that in high school, but maybe they're just like you now: trying their best to figure it all out and create a contented life. Finally, find some thing or things you love to do - something that inspires you and energizes you, and do more of it.