why should friendship be a problem?

I just read this article today in the NYTimes http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/fashion/its-not-me-its-you-how-to-end-a-friendship.html?_r=1&hpw about how to 'break up' with friends, in the age of Facebook and "unfriending." 
I found 90% of this article kind of silly.  The part that I didn't find silly or useless is what I've observed of my clients who are in the age of about 20 to 30 years old.  Some of them have had difficult life experiences, especially death or other great loss, and they feel out of  sync with their peers- as if they've matured 20 years in the span of only a few.  Even without grief and loss, I can understand that feeling of isolation when typical social 'bonding' begins  to feel empty. I am not thinking so much about that type of change here in this blogpost.

Here's more from the Times article:  Psychologists consider it an inevitable life stage, a point where people achieve enough maturity and self-awareness to know who they are and what they want out of their remaining years, and have a degree of clarity about which friends deserve full attention and which are a drain. It is time, in other words, to shed people they collected in their youth, when they were still trying on friends for size.

The winnowing process even has a clinical name: socioemotional selectivity theory, a term coined by Laura L. Carstensen, a psychology professor who is the director of the Stanford Center on Longevity in California.

"Shed people they collected in their youths."  That is kind of yucky.  This is maybe where the article begins to plunge into a worldview that doesn't exactly jibe with mine. 

I've found that as I get older, many friendships have an ebb and flow.  When I was younger, I of course had the experience of rejection when I felt more interested in spending time with someone who just did not seem to have as much time for me.  This was usually due to the life circumstances of the one friend changing (I remember when my friend H got a serious boyfriend and moved in with him - I hate to say it but my next 'boyfriend' was probably someone I dated in part to fill up the empty time that I'd previously spent with her.  Ugh.  The embarassment of youth!).  Over 25 years, H and I have had very close times and times where we haven't spoken as frequently, but because the friendship has lasted so long, we both know and trust that we will always be friends. 

This is the great advantage of letting go of 'defriending' someone or having to place a label - time unfolds and a deeper form of friendship has room to take root.  I also think it's a good idea in friendships, not to just have one best friend. Evidence that the one best friend thing is a bad idea usually starts accumulating in about 6th grade. 

I'd like to propose that we all just relax a little.  Give ourselves and other people room to change and grow.  Have a sense of humor.  Most of the time we don't have to make dramatic moves like 'ending' a friendship.  It can be a hard world at times; I think it's good to value all kinds of friends and friendships.

rachel hasper therapy: Mindfulness on "Science Friday"

rachel hasper therapy: Mindfulness on "Science Friday": NPR's "Science Friday" hosted clinical psychologist from Oxford University, Mark Williams, to discuss the practice and benefits of mindfulne...

Hi Readers - my friend and colleague Rachel Hasper linked this to her blog - I didn't hear it, but definitely plan to check it out.

some thoughts about love and freedom

I was an animal loving kid, but not surprising for those who know me, I loved them mostly by reading books about them.  I must confess that I went through a pretty big marine mammal stage, probably around 3rd grade.  I was a little torn, because the boy I had a crush on loved chimpanzees, so I also felt a like I needed to brush up on primates.  Still, dolphins were really my thing.  Then, I read Born Free and it moved me right into a lion stage (probably exacerbated by the Chronicles of Narnia.) 

I loved Born Free, the story of Joy Adamson and her husband, George, naturalists living in Kenya.  They raised an orphaned lion cub, Elsa.  I was enthralled by how they cared for her, the affection between such a wild creature and humans.  And then, after raising her to adulthood, how they slowly set her free into the wild.  They helped her learn what would have been instinctual had she been raised by a lion mother - to hunt and kill, to protect herself, and socialize with other lions.  Eventually, the humans who loved Elsa mostly just watched her from afar - the lion fully integrated into a wild pride. 

Ooh, I still get choked up thinking about it.

It makes me think about love.  What is real love?

In my deepest heart, I believe that loving other people means giving them room to make choices, including the choice to have space from us.

We want people to love us like we love them.  We want to be reassured of their love.  When we become anxious that they are going away or we don't have them as close as we want them we try to get them to reassure us.  Sometimes we do this by throwing a tantrum, sometimes we do this by playing games, trying to make them jealous.  Sometimes we even go away ourselves, maybe, to make them chase us.  This is really just a way to control someone else's behavior.  Real love is given feely. 

If we want to give our love, we should give our love, but remove our expectation that it will be given back in the exact way we want it to be given.  Real love is not manipulating another person's choices.  Real love is honoring the other's freedom, and our own.

everybody's under pressure - but how do you release it?

My clients are really, really good people.  In fact, I think I probably have nicer, kinder, more compassionate, and plain old good clients than any other therapist in St. Louis and maybe in the United States.  I say that only partially tongue in cheek.  I think there's a little bit of truth to it, and also a little bit of my own bias.  Of course I'm biased - I've gotten to  know them and when you get to know people, without judgment, you get to see how awesome and beautiful they are on the inside.  I think of my clients as both trying to enjoy or get more fulfillment out of their lives and/or find ways of coping with life's difficulties and grief.  But this isn't just my clients, this is the human condition - both longing for fulfillment and trying to triumph over challenges and times of sadness or pain

When we try very hard to do and be our best, whether as employees, as parents, as friends, as spouses, sometimes the pressure builds up and often we find release valves for all that pressure without stopping to think about it.  Maybe we yell at our spouse or kids, maybe we get drunk/high, maybe we are promiscuous, maybe we overexcercise, maybe we overeat.  Sometimes we find healthy ways to release pressure to - we go hiking, write a poem, watch a sad or really funny movie, spend an hour with our friend or sister on the phone. 

I think most of us, whether we're in therapy or not, would benefit from answering the questions - what are my release valves?  How do I try to let go of some of the pressures of life?  Are these the release valves I want to have?  Are they helping or hurting me?

When we can answer these questions fully and truthfully, we can be more aware and make sure the choices we are making are the ones we really want to make.  We can understand some of our actions, even our actions we don't like, in a more compassionate way.  And, we can appreciate our time hiking or painting or going to listen to our favorie band, in a deeper way. 

On a somewhat other note, I'd like to share a quote I received on email today from Pema Chodron, a Buddhist monk.  She's written many books and I subscribe to a weekly 'thought' exerpted from one of her publications (here's the link http://www.shambhala.com/heartadvice/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=HA%201/19/12  ): 

BEGIN WITH KINDNESS TO YOURSELF

We are all in this together. So when you realize that you’re talking to yourself, label it “thinking” and notice your tone of voice. Let it be compassionate and gentle and humorous. Then you’ll be changing old stuck patterns that are shared by the whole human race. Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.

Have a good week, everybody!

some gentle thoughts about change

Most people go to therapy because they want to change something.  They want to feel better, they want to make better choices, they want relationships to be more fulfilling.  Just because I'm a therapist doesn't mean I don't have stuff like that too.  In 2011, I wrote several blogs about things I wanted to 'work on' and I am holding myself accountable:  how am I doing with my own ideas about change?

In July I wrote about trying to be a more mindful eater - thinking about the environmental impact of what I eat, buying or trying to buy organic, finding out more about what ingredients are going into processed foods that I may eat (or choose not to eat), finding out more about farming, etc.  Actually, there's a pretty funny send up of this kind of thing from a show on IFC, Portlandia - http://www.hulu.com/watch/208808/portlandia-ordering-the-chicken-part-1.  I know, it's funny.  It's funny to be self-serious and solemn and it can all be excessive, at times.  Yet, one of my underlying values of life is that little things make a difference.  So with a wink at my inner Portlandian, I ask myself:  how did I do?  Am I caring about chickens and their happiness as I eat them?  Am I voting with my dollars about what kind of farming I support?  Saying with my choices that  I want farming to be sustainable and good for the people not just of my generation, but generations to come?

Answer:  I am doing ok only.  We are buying organic milk and eggs consistently (I know, I know I read the NYT article, too, about how the term "organic" is being misrepresented).  I read many more labels now and am much less apt to buy anything with high fructose corn syrup in it.  I often use as a guide, especially in choosing snack foods, "Would my grandmother recognize this as a food?"  That's the good news.  The not as good news is that we rarely buy organic meat.  We have not yet bought a share of one of those local farm co-ops (a goal for 2012?!), and during the holidays, in particular, I didn't think a whole lot about whether what I was eating matched my stated values at all.  So, this story is still unfolding.

And, at last, my final follow up from 2011 (really, 2010!):  Last December I wrote about snapping at my family during unwrapping Christmas gifts.  I wrote about choices and being aware of what our choices are when we interact with people (our families especially) with whom we have old 'scripts' of words and behavior. This, I feel was a success for me.  Here are a couple things I did that worked, and maybe you can use them too.

First, when someone close to me upset me this year, the first thing I reminded myself was:  That person is not trying to upset me on purpose.  Most people are not trying to upset us on purpose, they're just living their lives.  Second:  I used a sense of humor.  Not a mean one, just a sense of humor - both with myself and with the other person.  A lot of little irritating situations, like being overwhelmed by family demands at the holidays can be funny, if you give yourself room to see the big picture.  Third:  if I needed to, I talked with the other person about it.  I tried not to yell, assume or accuse.  I adopted an attitude of curiousity, of wanting to understand how to fix a problem. 

I would say this was my biggest interpersonal success this year, because I felt that all my close relationships actually felt more genuine.  I felt like I could be myself and that I could be spontaneous in my interactions.

In the end, I want to make a case for gentleness as we try to change.  That's something I like about Portlandia, or the Muppets, or the music of Emmylou Harris - we can feel strongly, we can be funny, but we can still be gentle.  We can keep up efforts to change, to  grow into who we want to be in our lives and do it in a way that is gentle with ourselves and others.

on waking up (not hungover) to a new year

In grad school I took a class on addictions.  The professor, Matt Howard (very cute and easy to pay attention to) taught us that the severity of the hangover you tend to get is a form of behavioral conditioning,a la B.F. Skinner.  The worse your hangover the better predictor that the behavior of getting drunk will desist.  I am a good example of this.  I get hangovers, which to me seem terrible, and as a result, I am not a tee-totaler by any means, but I have good reason to think before I have 'just one more.' 
It's difficult to advocate for less alcohol consumption without sounding like a smug pain in the ass.  But that's what I'm about to do.  I guess the bit in the paragraph above is just to say that I realize it's relatively easy for me to not get drunk, and I know that it's very hard for some other people.

Here are a couple things I like about not getting drunk.  I think when I used to get drunk with relative frequency, like in my 20s or in college, I would set out to get drunk.  I'd think, I've worked hard/studied hard/ or whatever, and I deserve to cut loose.  I think this was also a way to connect with other people.  At the beginning of drinking most people probably do feel connected with other people.  But at some point (I think I am not the only one to feel this way) I felt disconnected from other people.  Or just the fact of being 'out of it' really disconnected me.  I was technically present with other people but I either felt some kind of sadness inside or else I didn't feel anything.

As we head into New Year's Eve, I'd like to advocate for not numbing out and for trying to loosen up on our expectations for what 'New Year's Eve' is supposed to be.  Maybe we'll feel connected to the people we are with.  Maybe we won't.  Maybe we'll be by ourselves.  Maybe we'll be with other people.  If we're relatively sober, we're more likely to make decisions that won't endanger us or someone else.  Even if we're lonely for one night, really, it'll all be okay.

In this way, I've pretty much had to get comfortable with doing my own thing.  Sometimes I feel like a boring nerd because I say no to one more drink or I go home early from parties.  Also, I really feel okay about it.  It's taken practice.  It's taken remembering how my hangovers feel.  It's also taken thinking about how it feels to wake up feeling good, healthy, and clear on the first day of a new year.

Happy New Year  - Be safe and good to you.

updates from 2011: parenting, mindfulness and The Dude

I like to be accountable. 
I have the audacity to offer thoughts and ideas about life, emotional health, and spiritual growth, so I think I better be accountable.  I decided to take a few ideas I pondered in the past year and see how I'm doing with them.

Today I want to look at Mindful Parenting.

In Feb. 2011 I wrote about me having a conniption fit ignited by getting my kids ready for school and  trying to get out the door in the morning, on top of hundreds of repeat plays of Les Miz on the CD player.  At that time,  the song Bad Moon Rising happened to come up on 103.3 and it was like getting a bucket of groovy water thrown over my head and I was able to put life in perspective and realize that with a little mindful planning and less rushing for me and the kids, we could all have a happier morning. 

In essence, I suggested that we could all be more mindful parents.  So how did I do with this?  Better!  I think I made vast improvements, and here's what I did different, and I think I can summarize it in three words:  I gave up. 

Yes, I think I gave up a little this year.  I admitted defeat in some aspects of parenting. 

It's not as bad as it sounds...let me explain.  I grew up with a pretty traditional parenting style - authoritarian.  Not like beat your butt authoritarian, but "I'm the adult and you do it because I say you will do it" authoritarian.   Without setting out to have an existential battle, I ended out this way because of my not really realizing that my own parenting style is, essentially not that.  I wanted it to be that.  It worked for me as a kid!  But, I am too goofy a person and too much of a touchy-feely social worker to truly make that work.  I've spanked my kids a total of 3 times and I tried for a 4th, but I started giggling, looking at my son's tushy trying to run away from me. 

I also realized that the tension between these two parts of me - the voice that said, 'Katy, you should discipline like your mom and dad, this is what they expect or because you see so and so parenting that way" and the voice that said,  "Katy, you can do it a different way and it's still legitimate"- that tension was making me kind of unhappy, not to mention confusing my kids.  It made me think of that old comedy video, Bill Cosby, Himself.  As a parent, I think of the clip, where he says, "My wife was a beautiful woman until we had children and now her face is permanently like this" and he makes this totally strained face with veins popping out of the neck.  I am pretty sure I looked like that a lot of the time and all of a sudden it dawned on me that I didn't have to be like that.

So I gave up.  Even my mom noticed.  Our whole extended family went on vacation this year and my kids were acting up and I was talking to them very calmly away from the dinner table.  I returned to the  dinner table, looked over at my mom and said, "I've given up."  She said, "Yes, you have." 

But, it's actually working better.  Our household is more humorous, less angry, and I think my kids are 'getting it" better.  Maybe because they are not getting mixed messages from me about expectations and what will happen when they are in trouble.  Maybe because they are getting older, too.

I still get mad, of course. But now, I think about it more...I slow down.  I even yelled, "Dammit - I'm tired of this!" the other day, but ( this is true!) I thought, 'hmmm...saying dammit will really get the little buggers attention'.  My kids think rough words and cussing are like cardinal sins, so it's totally eye-popping for them for me to cuss.  Also, it gave me a little humor too, dammit. 

So, that's an update on mindful parenting from my end...somebody said that nothing dies harder than a bad idea, and I feel like we have some ideas about our parenting or what parents are supposed to be and it's okay to let them go.