some gentle thoughts about change

Most people go to therapy because they want to change something.  They want to feel better, they want to make better choices, they want relationships to be more fulfilling.  Just because I'm a therapist doesn't mean I don't have stuff like that too.  In 2011, I wrote several blogs about things I wanted to 'work on' and I am holding myself accountable:  how am I doing with my own ideas about change?

In July I wrote about trying to be a more mindful eater - thinking about the environmental impact of what I eat, buying or trying to buy organic, finding out more about what ingredients are going into processed foods that I may eat (or choose not to eat), finding out more about farming, etc.  Actually, there's a pretty funny send up of this kind of thing from a show on IFC, Portlandia - http://www.hulu.com/watch/208808/portlandia-ordering-the-chicken-part-1.  I know, it's funny.  It's funny to be self-serious and solemn and it can all be excessive, at times.  Yet, one of my underlying values of life is that little things make a difference.  So with a wink at my inner Portlandian, I ask myself:  how did I do?  Am I caring about chickens and their happiness as I eat them?  Am I voting with my dollars about what kind of farming I support?  Saying with my choices that  I want farming to be sustainable and good for the people not just of my generation, but generations to come?

Answer:  I am doing ok only.  We are buying organic milk and eggs consistently (I know, I know I read the NYT article, too, about how the term "organic" is being misrepresented).  I read many more labels now and am much less apt to buy anything with high fructose corn syrup in it.  I often use as a guide, especially in choosing snack foods, "Would my grandmother recognize this as a food?"  That's the good news.  The not as good news is that we rarely buy organic meat.  We have not yet bought a share of one of those local farm co-ops (a goal for 2012?!), and during the holidays, in particular, I didn't think a whole lot about whether what I was eating matched my stated values at all.  So, this story is still unfolding.

And, at last, my final follow up from 2011 (really, 2010!):  Last December I wrote about snapping at my family during unwrapping Christmas gifts.  I wrote about choices and being aware of what our choices are when we interact with people (our families especially) with whom we have old 'scripts' of words and behavior. This, I feel was a success for me.  Here are a couple things I did that worked, and maybe you can use them too.

First, when someone close to me upset me this year, the first thing I reminded myself was:  That person is not trying to upset me on purpose.  Most people are not trying to upset us on purpose, they're just living their lives.  Second:  I used a sense of humor.  Not a mean one, just a sense of humor - both with myself and with the other person.  A lot of little irritating situations, like being overwhelmed by family demands at the holidays can be funny, if you give yourself room to see the big picture.  Third:  if I needed to, I talked with the other person about it.  I tried not to yell, assume or accuse.  I adopted an attitude of curiousity, of wanting to understand how to fix a problem. 

I would say this was my biggest interpersonal success this year, because I felt that all my close relationships actually felt more genuine.  I felt like I could be myself and that I could be spontaneous in my interactions.

In the end, I want to make a case for gentleness as we try to change.  That's something I like about Portlandia, or the Muppets, or the music of Emmylou Harris - we can feel strongly, we can be funny, but we can still be gentle.  We can keep up efforts to change, to  grow into who we want to be in our lives and do it in a way that is gentle with ourselves and others.