Thursday, February 22, 2018

Toxic Relationships - How to Recognize Them, Whether It's Your Wife or the NRA

Watching Dana Loesch, an NRA representative speak with the survivors from Parkland, FL in a CNN forum last night was profoundly upsetting for me.  When I have a reaction like that - from my gut - about someone in the news, I know it is about something deeper than that for me.  It was not a reaction to the topic (which is deeply upsetting and understandably so), it was a personal reaction to Ms. Loesch's presence.  So I ask myself, "What is really going on here?"  "Does this person remind me of someone in my life?"  "Does this situation remind me of something I know or remember from another time in my life?"  "What is this REALLY about?"

Here is my answer:  What most upset me was Ms. Loesch's sincere eye contact and 'empathy' with people like Emma Gonzalez, one of the student activists, and her expressive face and generally attractive persona with surviving parents from this and other mass shootings.   This triggered in me deep feelings of warning - "Do not be fooled by her sincere face and eye contact!" I wanted to shout.  "Do not be drawn in by her pretty hair and controlled voice!"  "Do not be thrown off by her compelling name-calling of 'madman' or 'crazy' to describe the shooter!"

As a psychotherapist, I sometimes see the results in individual lives of relationships that are marked by manipulation, control and emotional abuse.  I myself, at one time, was in this kind of relationship.  I feel a fierce protectiveness for people who I am afraid might be thrown off or manipulated by rhetorical techniques and deep denial.  And, as a social worker,  I look at the bigger systems that may perpetuate abuse.  I think we need to do a better job of being empowered to recognize when we are being bamboozled, gaslighted, and controlled - without losing our own compassion, our own generosity of spirit and our own ability to listen.  We must be brave enough to make an assessment and walk away from those who would do us harm.

Here are some things that an abuser might convey, but never use these exact words:

1) I want you to feel guilty.
2) I want you to feel sorry for me.
3) I want you to be afraid of me, even 'just' emotionally afraid.
4) I tell you I value you or love you, but I treat you badly.
5) I want you to never have or get 'more' than I have or get.
6) I 'listen,' but I never compromise.
7) I pout and punish if I don't get my way.
8) I want you to question yourself and your perception.
9) I sneak to get what I want.
10) I lie to get what I want, but my lies always have a kernel of truth so they're hard to disprove.
11) I want you to think everything is normal - 'no big deal.'
12) I don't want to really know you.
13) I trick you by asking leading questions
14) If we fight, I keep you in the fight until you are exhausted.  I won't let you leave until you give in.
15) I am entitled to what I want.
16) You are entitled to nothing.
17) God/Righteousness is on my side.
18) Money is on my side.
19) I ask leading questions to get you to answer the way I want.
20) I should not be accountable for my words or actions.
21) I create a common enemy who is worse or scarier than I am - this could be your boss, my mother, our next door neighbor, so you don't pay attention to my misdeeds.

If you look at the above list and think, "This is my brother."  Or "This is my wife."  Or "This is my minister" or "This is my coach," you are in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship.

Here are some aspects of healthy relationships:
1)Patience
2) Generosity of spirit and emotion
3) Compromise
4) Accountability
5) Respect
6) Care/Kindness
7) Curiosity
8) Listening
9) Humility
10) Room to change and grow
11) Connectedness with other people
12) Balance
13) Non-judgemental
14) Feeling of comfort and being emotionally safe
15) Equality
16) The inside of the relationship (the way it feels) matches what is looks like on the outside (how others probably perceive the relationship)

When I look at these lists, I think about what I saw and felt last night from watching Dana Loesch.  I felt that the outside didn't match the inside.

Whether it is in a public forum or in your personal life, pay attention to your gut instinct.  Ask yourself questions and answer yourself honestly.  Beware of wolves in sheeps clothing.  When the outside doesn't match the way it feels on the inside - this is a big warning!

You don't have to know all the answers.  You don't have to do it alone (leave the relationship, confront the person, fight the power).  But you have the right to be treated with respect and to speak your mind.





2 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post. Your posts always inspire me. I’ve been in a toxic relationship and I sometimes feel hopeless. I often question myself and find it difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel to breaking off contact. Or if I should. If it’s “just me”—is there something wrong with me? When my gut instinct knows there is not. It seems like you found your light at the end of the tunnel through being courageous and strong in the face of great fear, and to read about it brings me immense hope.

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    1. I know it is tough, especially if the toxic relationship is someone in your family. Developing boundaries and knowing you have the right to your own feelings is a process. It's ok to ask for time and go slow when talking with a toxic person. That was a first key for me to start getting clearer! Thank you for your response - if my experiences can offer hope and courage, that is my purpose in sharing them. Thinking of you!

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