Social Media + Outrage = Masturbation; Or, Thinking it Through Before We Post

Last weekend, I read an article that popped up on my Apple News about a Dane Cook (age 45 and a celebrity, kind of) and his girlfriend, Kelsi Talor (age 19).  This article was from People magazine and presented their romance as if it were just another storybook romance of famous people for public consumption and celebration, such as Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel.  I felt very weird inside of me and that feeling was anger.  My anger is usually a slow burn.  I'm like, "What is that feeling?  Something feels yucky.  Oh, that's something really gross.  Is it gross?  Yes, it is gross and upsetting.  Is People magazine tone deaf?  Are really supposed to read this and think - 'cute!'???  Hello!  #metoo!"  I was, for me, outraged.

I thought about it for about 10 seconds.  Maybe I'll post this on my fb feed and just see what other people think.  I did.  I said something like, "Does anyone else find this disturbing?"  And I went to bed.

When I woke up in the morning, there were some comments.  Mostly, stuff like, "Yes. Ewww. Gross."  And one friend, a Professional Naysayer was like, "Maybe it's possible they are happy and fulfilling each others needs."  I am shorthanding that.  Then, he said, "what would you tell them if they came to you for therapy?"

At that point, I fought my desire to shoot back a further outraged response (not at my friend, I would expect no less - but a clarification about how this 'relationship' is an abuse of power) and I went on a run.

This blogpost is not about overtly about #metoo or this couple or the actual words I used to respond.  It's about the process of how and why we try to argue or connect on social media.  It's about our relationship to outrage.

And, I don't know about you, but I'm getting so tired of outrage - even my own.  Everybody is outraged about everything.  Newscasters are outraged.  My facebook feed is full of outrage.  Sometimes something outrageous just catches my eye and I read it just to make myself mad.  In October 2017 Yale neuroscientist, Molly Crockett published a paper on Outrage in the Social Media Age, which basically said we are getting inured to outrage.  It's like junk food snacking.  We go get an outrage fix when we are not even hungry and the findings are that we are less likely to 'do' anything positive to make the changes in the world we are so outraged about.

Ok, so back to the moment last weekend when I am going out for that run I mentioned.  I am thinking of these very acerbic things to say about how I will charge Dane Cook my D-list celebrity rate of $500 an hour to make him NOT into a narcissist anymore.  And then I start fantasizing about how I could have like a D-list celebrity reality therapy show like Dr. Drew used to have that Rehab show.  And then I think, "Why D-List?  Why NOT A-List??"  Then, I get out of that fantasy and start thinking if I really post that snarky comment what will be the result of that? And how people will think it's funny and I will probably get a lot of likes.  But is that really the kind of thing I want to say?  Do I enjoy "cheap shots = Likes?"   Also, do I have the energy for this shit?  Because...look, Katy, you've got to go to work today and also you are taking kids to a play tonight and having another kid spend the night.   So, no...maybe I won't go snarky.  Maybe I will just make a mature comment and make sure I end the discussion somehow.  And then my run was over.  And that's what I did.  So here were my steps:

1) Pause and go for a run
2)  Fantasize about the mean, snarky stuff I want to say
3)  Think ahead about what the results of my actions might be and why I might want or not want to say those outraged words
4)  Assess whether I have the energy for those results
5)  Make a decision based on how and where I want to spend my energy on a given day and how I want to represent myself in the world.
6)  Choose a more measured, less outraged response that also establishes a boundary (which was, "I probably am not going to make any more comments on this post because I have a busy day.')

In the end, I actually think outrage in these online formats is a lot like masturbation.  The tension we've built up is our righteous indignation about WHATEVER.  It wants release.  And 'luckily', through social media, we've developed communities of largely like minded people.  So when we are outraged on social media, we have a build up of tension and then a release of our tension and then we have the added reinforcement of our online community going, "yes, yes, you are so smart. I love this!"  (Did my analogy just get super-gross/weird?!?)  There is a lot of ego involved.  And it's not an experience where there is genuine connection and communication.  I think masturbation is a good thing, but it's not the same as good sex, which  ideally is about communication and connection and the other person as much as yourself.

In part, I think that's why most of the social media 'arguments' about politics and social issues I see and participate in often feel so frustrating and empty.  There is often no real relationship.

I know I am being purposefully provocative even when I make this analogy, but I will give a more serious example.

Another discussion I recently was involved in had to do with race and politics in a local election.  I knew I was stepping into a volatile area and trying to make a nuanced point and therefore I knew I was opening myself up to criticism.  I received the response I anticipated and I felt slightly attacked.  And I really thought about how and why I tried to put myself out there and what it felt like to be schooled in the ways I was.  It actually tapped into a deep pain inside me.

The pain was that these people, even friends, online, can't and don't know all my life experience.  The way working in death and dying all these years has developed certain 'muscles' in me.  The way it has made me practice mercy day in and day out.  To see that suffering, loss, physical pain, tragedy, courage and love are not owned by one group of people - not rich, not poor, not Democrat, not Republican, not women, not men, not black, not white.  Everyone deserves to be seen and have their humanity seen.  And these people online can't and don't know my own painful life experiences and how they make me tender and vulnerable in specific ways.  It's on ME to know these things about me and make good choices about how to take care of my own tenderness.   And all that being said, I am not more RIGHT than they are. I have just developed a certain way of experiencing the world.

What I think we need more of in this world is genuine connection.  I think we need to be responsible for how we go about seeking connection.  The change we want in the world and in our own lives starts with pausing and thinking it through.  The peace, justice, love, courage and beauty we want will start in person, one on one.  The real revolution will not be televised.  Or posted.