New Year's parenting resolutions - a February update

This past year, late December.  My husband and I are driving the kids to one of the myriad of holiday activities the week of Christmas.  Usually the kids beg to listen to one of the pop stations and we relent, despite the fact that I always hear about accomplished musicians and artists who fondly recall their parents who made them listen to GOOD music when they were kids and the kids love it and turn out to be bohemian and interesting and creative and make beautiful contributions to the world but now my kids are listening to Taylor Swift and they'll probably never do beautiful things and it's all my fault...oh, am I rambling?  Ok, that's another blog. 

Anyway, on this occasion the parents (my husband and I) are 'winning' and we are all listening to NPR.  The story http://www.npr.org/2012/12/24/167977418/the-power-to-trade-naughty-habits-for-nice-ones is about Changing Habits and is mostly an interview with Charles Duhigg, who's book The Power of Habit:  Why we do what we do in life and business, was published last year.   We're all pretty into the interview and the call-in portion of the show, when we are particularly riveted by a man who calls in and says, "I was addicted to anger.  I didn't realize it until a therapist suggested I take a 30 day challenge to not react in anger.  I took that challenge and it changed my life."

I'm going to do that,  I say to my family. As a mom, I have a very long fuse.  When I get to the end of my fuse, I am at the end.  I am a yeller.  I never like when I yell.  I don't like it because I don't feel good about my parenting in those moments, even if the yelling is merited.  I've written about this before a little here - I think it's confusing for my kids because I'm nurturing nurturing nurturing and then all of a sudden, it's like, "Where did this crazy lady with the veins popping out of her neck come from?!?!"   I am not addicted to anger, but I certainly think yelling is a habit of mine. 

So, I tell the kids. I'm not going to react in anger with you guys for 30 days.  The reason for this is that it is HABIT CHANGING.  According to the book, which I am now reading, most of our behaviors are not decisions, but are habits.  Habits are often created because there is a perceived reward, i.e.  I yell and my kids (supposedly) settle down and behave.  I put the keys in the ignition of my car and shift into drive because the reward is that my car will go.   For some people it's chocolate, for some people it's a cigarettes, for some people it's calling their ex-girlfriend when they know they shouldn't - it's a habit with a perceived reward - the perceived reward is that I feel temporarily better, even if in the long run I feel worse.

Ok, so how did I do?  I  did it!  I did not yell at my kids for 30 days.  One day, my youngest walked in on me, hands clasped at my chest and eyes to the heavens.  "What are you doing, Mom?" she asked.  "I am praying for patience."  I said.  I had to pray for patience many times.  Since my 30 days, I have yelled twice.  So, this month, I am averaging a one yell a week.  I am still working on this change of habit, but I will tell you a couple things I noticed.  My kids were into it!  One was doubtful of my ability to follow through and one was encouraging the whole way, but they were into it.  I also think they took it seriously when they misbehaved and I was redirecting them.  They took it more seriously than when I yell.  Kids are so attuned to what is fair and just, I sometimes wonder if when we yell, we lose the justice upper hand.  In general, I think my reward is that when I don't yell, I live a life that has more integrity - I am practicing what I preach, not just out there in the world as a therapist, but practicing it in the nitty gritty of my everyday life.  I say I believe in and want to help make a more peaceful world.  This is where it starts.

So, maybe you have a 30 day challenge you'd like to give yourself.  Tell someone else about it so they can help you be accountable.  Check out the book The Power of Habit if you want - it's good and science-y, if you like that kind of thing.  And then take the challenge.  It's just 30 days.  Who knows what might happen?