If you are someone who knows me well, you probably have heard me say for a number of years - 'This is the year I am going to do less.' 'This is the year of saying NO.' By now, you probably laugh at me and roll your eyes (I hope you roll them in an affectionate way).
One of my character flaws is to over-commit to various activities and then run around like a maniac and complain that I don't have enough time to enjoy my very full life. If you haven't read a children's book call Owl At Homeby Arnold Lobel - you should. It's so funny - it's a series of vignettes about a neurotic owl. Perhaps my favorite is the one where Owl runs upstairs and downstairs. 'Owl, are you Downstairs? ' he calls to himself? 'No,' he replies to himself, 'I am Upstairs'. Then he runs Upstairs trying to catch himself. This happens again and again. Finally he says, 'I can't be both upstairs and downstairs at the same time. All I am is exhausted.'
Maybe you are not an upstairs, downstairs person. One of my dearest friends says she is a one thing a day person. Amazing! But maybe you are a person who would like to make a particular change, but this change seems to not fully happen. Maybe you make a little progress and then fall back into 'old ways.'
Another friend, Laurie, has often been my 'upaguru' (I just learned what this means - it means 'the guru next to you.') Her life has been full of experiences and relationships and she's been a student of both life and death, having worked in home hospice and bereavement for many years. She is one of those friends that after every time we have lunch or meet for coffee, I find myself mulling over something she said or some unique perspective she shared and it's as if I'm a better person for having spent time with her.
This Fall she visited me at home and we sat in the kitchen drinking tea - the afternoon sunlight warming us through the windows. My family and I had recently moved and as I may have mentioned here, this stirred up many things, including the painful aspects of the Upstairs, Downstairs part of me.
As I was talking with Laurie about this, she asked me, "what does your Deep Knowing want you to know?" Wow. What a question. Laurie is so awesome because she asks questions like this and really wants to know the answer.
I pondered her question many times this Fall and early Winter. The word that kept coming to me was 'Quiet.' What did it mean? I kept listening to this place in myself that we'll call Deep Knowing, and what I believe is this - for these several years, I've been saying, 'I'm going to say NO, I'm going to cut back on activities' and what I really needed to do was whittle down to the essence what I need. When I ask my Deep Knowing what it wants me to know, its this: my Self, my inner core, needs more Quiet time.
That's just my answer. You have a Deep Knowing too, that may be trying to tell you something. Does a particular theme keep coming up in your life? A problem relationship? Is there a certain change you keep trying to make, but find it so hard and exhausting to make that change?
Maybe it's been difficult because you have been keeping yourself at the surface of the problem. Maybe it is time to listen to your own Deep Knowing. To give yourself the time and space, not just one day, but maybe over several days or weeks. Or months. Ask yourself, 'what does my Deep Knowing want me to know?" Write about it. Talk with a trusted someone else about it. I believe you have the wisdom and courage you need inside you.
Thanks for this, Katy
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