off and on the Zen wagon

I have a dear friend and colleague, Charli Prather, who writes a blog called Military Zen Mom http://militaryzenmom.com/ - she is the mom of a son in the military and he's often in perilous parts of the world and cannot communicate with her.  He's great at his work, which certainly makes it more perilous.  As you can imagine, it's hard to be 'zen' when your kid, even your adult kid, is a soldier.  I admire her a whole lot!

I, too, imagine that I have some inner 'Zen.'  Zen mom, Zen therapist, Zen wife, Zen daughter, Zen driver in traffic, Zen grocery store shopper, Zen help the kids get ready for school person.  I imagine that there is this person in me with an intrinsic ability to be spontaneous, to see and understand the big picture, to be accepting of my own foibles and the foibles of others.

Oh yeah, and then there's real life.  That other lady is kind of in my imagination.


In my family, we are currently in the midst of making some big decisions - happy ones, but they feel weighty.  Some parts feel out of my control.  This little sentence: 'some parts feel out of my control' - is a big trigger for me.

Under duress, here's what I do:  1) I start worrying.  2) I makes lists (look, even this is a list) 3) I cross things off my list as I do them and then add 5 more for every one I do.  4) I get irritable 5) I get overtired 6) I get mad at myself for getting irritable and overtired and distracted from what I know is really important, i.e. the health and welfare of those I love and also just loving them.

I know I'm not the only one. 

Ok, so I'm doing something new and it's kind of working.  I am not going 100% Zen in some moment of enlightenment.  No.  I am talking myself into moments of letting go of control.  I say to myself, 'Listen, Lady, you've seen enough of life to know that most things turn out okay in the end.'   I feel a little sense of calm.  Maybe that lasts 1/2 hour.  Then, I go back to list-maker extraordinaire mode.  Then, I remember that I am not the most powerful force in the universe and I feel better for a while.  Then, I monkey with the to-do list again. And so on.

I notice a lot of us don't start to make changes in how we think or act even though we suspect we could feel differently or better in our lives.  Sometimes, we know clearly what we could do to feel a greater sense of well-being, but the changes seem overwhelmingly big.  Or, we 'fall off the wagon' with whatever the thing is and we don't get back on for a long time.

Here's my idea.  Make the change - even if it's for 5 minutes.  This week, facing 'BIG DECISIONS', when I fall off the Zen wagon, I'm just getting back on.  Even if it's 10 times in the same day.  I feel better.