say anything

One of the most absurd memories I have from being a hospice social worker is going to start out sounding rather callous.  Please bear with me.  It was when I got a nurse's report that one of my male patients in his nineties might be planning to kill himself.  His family feared it and didn't know what to do.  So, the nurse calls me and asks me to go do a suicide assessment.

I find the man in bed, nearly too weak to get up, and very hard of hearing.  A suicide assessment can't be that nuanced a thing...it's not a matter you really tiptoe around.  This one lacked any subtlety whatsoever.  Here's what I had to do:  get in bed with the 90 year old man and shout in his ear, "ARE YOU PLANNING TO KILL YOURSELF?!" 

This is what he answered, "Are you one of those goddammed do-gooders?!?"

That makes me laugh even now, 6 years later.  I certainly hadn't expected that answer.

He told me he'd thought about killing himself, which for many patients with a terminal diagnosis, is perfectly normal.  He didn't do it.  And while I could tell he'd been a difficult and imposing character for his family for his whole life, I did admire orneriness.

But this post isn't about suicidality.  It's about how I've found my life transformed because I've been forced to have so many difficult conversations with people.  I've had to discuss taboos, name the 'elephant in the room,' strong arm people to go to the hospital, challenge many an 'old man' (not easy for many of us who grew up to respect our elders.)  But, it's really been a wonderful learning experience for me, because what I've learned and been able to take into my personal life is that you can really say anything - it's just how you say it.

Many of us have imaginary conversations in our heads because we've been hurt by someone, are worried about something, or assumed the other guy was thinking something but we're not sure.  In my private practice, I see that many interpersonal hurts and grudges are perpetuated needlessly because many people are reluctant to check in with others about difficult things.

Here's what I've learned about saying hard things:
1)  Be curious.  Don't assume you know.  Ask, rather than make an accusations. 

2) Have a sense of humor, not a sarcastic one, but a gentle sense of humor and be able to laugh at yourself.

3)  Have a loving, compassionate intention.   Hard conversations seem to be called for most urgently when we are angry or worried.  Starting from a place of saying to yourself, "I am a person just trying to do my best in the world and most likely this other guy is just a person trying to do his best in the world too."  You have compassion for yourself and the other person before even starting the conversation.

This is not all there is to it, and I know I will continue to learn, but what talking with people about difficult things has done for me is open up my relationships to be deeper and more real.  I don't hold little grudges and just keep my relationships on the surface in order to protect myself.  I also find myself less shy about expressing my love and gratitude for people in my life...this can feel vulnerable and even difficult for some people too, but for me, I've never regretted it.