loosening up and letting go

In my ongoing quest to practice what I preach and not be a hypocrite when it comes to mindfulness, self-care, non-dualism, etc, etc, I made the New Year's resolution to explore some aspects of spirituality and philosophy in more experiential ways.  In that vein, I decided a couple weeks ago to take my first yoga class in 5 years. 

It was on a Thursday morning, a time I don't usually work.  I have, for the first time in 8 years, ostensibly, a large swath of time on that day that I can do whatever I want. Driving to the yoga class, I had some anxiety.  I have to turn off my phone for an hour and a half in class and this isn't something I normally do.  Even in my work day, I have my phone on silent, but check every hour to see if there have been any urgent calls or calls from family.  I talked myself out of this anxiety, "Katy," I said to myself, "That is just your anxiety.  It's time to let that go."  (See...trying to practice what I preach, gentle self talk). 

When I got to the class, the very earth-Mothery instructor said, "Hey, we've sort of spontaneously made this class 2 hours long - will that be okay?" 

"Sure."  I answered, but internally my anxiety ratcheted up again.  Again, I spoke to myself, "Everything is perfectly fine, Katy.  You may take this class for two hours.  This is time that you do have."

I didn't feel that great during the class.  When it was done I checked my calls and had 14 missed calls.  Yes - 14.  One from the school nurse and several from my husband, sort of like this, "Hey honey...where are you?  Our daughter is sick and I guess I'm going to go pick her up?  Where are you?"

For the first time since 2009, I had a kid sick enough to get a call from the nurse's office and it happened while I was in my big moment of spiritual woo woo/New Year's resolution-ness. 

What can I say?  I cried.  I cried because I felt like a cruddy mom and wife who was off shirking her responsibilities and I felt simultaneously resentful that I couldn't take one damn yoga class without the world seeming to fall apart. 

I also realized as I was crying that all that stuff is kind of bull.  None of it is true.  I am a good wife and mom and I can take yoga classes and everything will be fine.  It might be better to take yoga classes on Saturday or Sunday when my husband can be with the kids, though.

The truth is, the last few weeks have been really full.  Full of unexpected changes, deviations from the plan and routine. 

I've had to loosen up.  For me, this means loosening up, even on ways that many people find admirable, in which I try to take care of myself. I am loosening up on running.  I am loosening up on New Year's Resolutions (at least my original interpretation of New  Year's Resolutions).  I am loosening up on my rules about writing, about not procrastinating.  I am just having to go with the flow. 

I've written before about changing your strategy - I am finding that at least at this moment in my life, it's better not to have a strategy.  Or maybe my strategy is a balance between my 'agenda' and spontaneity.  Sometimes you can be going along feeling like life is adhering nicely to your agenda, but that's kind of an illusion.

In hospice, I thought a lot about the people who seemed, in the end, to be able to let go.  They had a certain grace in facing death and often, to tell you the truth, seemed to die more quickly, which is often a blessing.  I noticed other people who clung dearly to life, who tried not to let go. 

Well, it's getting later in the evening, a time my brain tends to wander and I guess I'm thinking that one thing relates to another.  Sometimes we have to loosen up and let go of little things, sometimes we are called to loosen up and let go of big things.  I guess I've always wanted to be someone who can figure out which way the wind is blowing, someone who can change plans, be spontaneous, and let go when that's the way things are going anyway.