why conflict is so hard and why it doesn't have to be

There are a lot of different ways and reasons to feel wronged, slighted, annoyed, hurt, righteously indignant, or just plain mad.  The two reasons I see and have experienced most often are these:
1) someone is not doing something we want them/expect them to do
2) someone is doing something we do not want them to do.

Growing up, my family didn't do much conflict.  There are many reasons for this, but the result for me was that a lot of times as I grew into my adult life, I didn't even know when I was angry, and then when I knew I was angry, I didn't have many skills to express that anger constructively.  It's taken me a while and it's still something that I work on.

I've noticed that I'm not the only one.  Many people are either of afraid of conflict, and if not downright afraid, they are avoidant of it.  Some of us come from families that have important stories about conflicts, fights, and cut-offs.  Some of our families fight with the sole purpose of hurting one another.  Some of us come from families where the only reason to fight is to 'win.'  Other families pretend there are no conflicts, but lots of secret feelings simmer under the surface.  Some of us feel fine complaining to a third party, but we never address the person we're angry with.

These stories and habits carry over into our adult relationships - as spouses, parents, adult children.  As adults, these habits don't serve us any longer. 

I have come to believe that the real purpose of constructive conflict is to actually deepen the connection between two people.  I remember when a friend requested that I not talk about her dating again after her divorce in front of her children, I felt terrible!  How could I be so insensitive!  Yet, I took responsibility, I apologized and I actually felt grateful that this person asked me for what she needed from me, rather than carrying this grudge against me or burden.  I feel that this friend and I are closer because of this 'conflict.'  It was a good model for me, too.

If you feel like you have a problem with how you deal with conflict or have deep avoidance of any conflict, I've found a couple things have helped in my life.  Mainly, I've found that conflict doesn't have to be terrible and sometimes what we perceive internally as conflict does not turn out to be a conflict once we are able to clearly state to another person what we want or do not want. 

The next time you feel wronged, slighted, annoyed, hurt, righteously indignant, or just plain mad, ask yourself these questions:

1) can you clearly define the behavior or words that made you hurt or angry?  If you can't clearly define it for yourself, try writing it down.  If it is very nebulous, like, I want my boyfriend to be more romantic, that isn't specific enough.  Be specific:  I want my boyfriend to bring me flowers once a week.

2) consider whether your expectation/hope for behavior from the other person is realistic.  Do you hope and expect that your three year old is not going to have temper tantrums at inopportune times?   This isn't realistic.  But, if you hope that your husband will take on the job of taking out the trash, this is probably a rational thing to request.

3) does the other person know what you want or expect of them?  If you expect that someone can read your mind, even if you think they know you very well, you are wrong.  Most people are not trying to be selfish, but they're just caught up in their own lives. 

4) would you be able to make a request for a behavior change you'd  like without bringing in your whole history of being wronged by that person.  (Right way:  If you could throw your dirty socks down the laundry chute, that would really help me keep the house looking nice.  Wrong way:  You never help around the house and if you really loved me you'd remember to throw your socks down the chute - this is just so emblematic of our whole relationship!

Addressing a conflict and asking someone to make a change of any kind makes you, the asker, very vulnerable.  The truth is that every person we know and love has every right not to change, no matter how much they say they love us or how much we want them to change.  If you make a request and the other person says, 'no', you will have to decide what you want to do with that information.  If you make a request and the other person says yes, but their actions don't change, you will have to decide what you want to do with that information, too.

Maybe you are not ready to make changes and that is why you are avoiding conflict.  That is okay, too. 

It's also great if you can address a behavior closer to the event/occurence, rather than waiting until 5 to 10 examples of the behavior accumulate.  It's much easier to say, "hey, do you mind not humming Don't Stop Believing while you're making copies next to my desk?" than to say, "hey I know you've been humming Don't Stop Believing for the last three years when you make copies by my desk, but I'm hoping you'd stop that now."  

Start small, start low-risk.  Start assuming that most upsetting behaviors are not directed at you and there's no intrinsic meaning about the behavior. 

If conflict has been difficult for us, I think it just takes practice to overcome that.  We must try thinking about conflict as a constructive way to improve the quality and integrity of our relationships.  It will feel more comfortable and natural as we go.

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