the outsiders

The elementary school I went to from Kindgergarten through half of 5th grade was Pierremont Elementary school in Manchester, Missouri.  I loved that school.   I remember our gym teacher, Mr. Lowry, pulling kids' teeth when they were loose. We all dreaded it, but longed to have a tooth pulled at the same time.  I remember he'd send us through 'the spanking machine' on our birthdays...this entailed the entire class lining up to spank you as you crawled through their legs.  I loved the gymnastics team, I loved music class with Mrs. Lippi and how we always saw a film called "Dans Macabre" by Camille Saint Saene around Halloween.  I loved the librarian Mrs. Kirkpatrick and the books she picked out for me.  I loved that a stuffed Santa Claus came alive and walked around in Mrs. Smith's Kindergarten class.  I loved that I was Mrs. Birmingham's teacher's pet.
But in a lot of ways, I was a weird kid, I think.  I remember kids inviting me to their birthday parties and not wanting to go.  I remember them inviting me over to play and my mom saying, 'just give so and so a chance.'  I hated the game 'girls chase boys.'  At the sophisticated age of 8, I found it undignified.  At least one school year I chose to take recess in the library to read, rather than have to put up with girls chase boys or boys chase girls or whatever.   I guess I was a nerd.  I guess I was an outsider, in some ways.  I felt like an outsider, but not in a way I experienced as hurtful.

I went to a great training last week given my Dr. Marsha Linehan on "Mindfulness, Willingness, and Radical Acceptance," and though many concepts were helpful to me, one idea that she talked about that I want to write about is the experience that many people have of being an 'outsider.' 

At Pierremont, I was given a great gift.  I was an outsider, but I don't remember ever being treated like that - by students or teachers.  I remember kind of being accepted for being an outsider.  Celebrated even.  I don't know what combination of character traits in the students, in the  teachers and in me came together to make this happen, but it was a huge gift.  I felt the freedom to make the choices I wanted to make, like stay in the library at recess, and no one said, 'you're weird, you're bad, you need to be more like some one else.' 

I moved to a different elementary school January of my 5th grade year.  One of my gym teachers, Miss Furlong, at Pierremont pulled me aside before my family moved, "you are going to do just fine at your new school.  Just be yourself.  Everything will be okay."  I remember it so well - where we stood by the doors to the gym, the way the light fell on the gym floor from the windows.  I felt like she was really talking to me like a grown up.  I am getting verklempt even now! 

Some 'outside-ness' is based on how a person looks on the outside or an outward  expression that is other; but many people who would appear to be 'insiders' also feel outside.  And,  if you feel other in a way that feels bad to you, it is no small thing to work through. Conversely, sometimes, I think we get a strange comfort in feeling we are outside and use it as a way to judge others or feel superior to them.

The question is, what might we do about it or with it?  The sad or negative feelings about being 'outside?'  I think a place to start is looking for the similarities between ourselves and other people.  Maybe especially people we don't like or don't think we like.  I saw Lisa Ling's Our America, about plural marriages in Morman Utah.  Some of the Mormon women have allied with the GLBT community regarding marriage rights.  You'd think they wouldn't have a lot in common, but one of the Mormon women said, "when we got to know one another, we really did."  I thought this was interesting. 

I also think it's worth taking the time to wonder what made us feel other in the first place - I've seen so many sensitive, compassionate, intelligent people feel separate and in pain - I think it's worth an honest look in ourselves to see the goodness and do the hard work to let go of judging messages we took on at a young age. 

I think it's do-able - I think it's important or I wouldn't write about it.  I feel like I had the good fortune of being celebrated for being an outsider when I was a kid.  I think it's something worth celebrating in all of us.