comforting those who mourn

Driving to meet a colleague for lunch the other day, I happened to run across a radio interview with Joyce Carol Oates.  She was speaking with Don Marsh on the St. Louis NPR affiliate, KWMU about her recent book, A Widow's Story http://www.stlpublicradio.org/programs/slota/archivedetail.php?showid=4432 . 

Among other topics surrounding her experience of the death of her first husband, she talked about her frustration with what others said to her in their attempts to comfort and support her.  One male acquaintance, according to Oates, said something like, "it's just like a divorce - you're free now, you can travel, move to Paris, if you want."  She replied, "it's nothing like a divorce." 

This topic of what to say to someone regarding the loss of someone beloved to them is something that came up constantly in my work in hospice and still comes up in my private practice.  I think we all struggle with this, but because of my six and a half years working in hospice, I'm just more experienced than most people.  There were times when I would call a family for the very first time, to introduce myself as their hospice social worker - their loved one had just begun home hospice care the night before.  "Hello," I'd say, "My name is Katy Miller and I'm calling to let you know I'll be your mom's hospice social worker.  How are you doing?"  Then, the awkward pause, and:  "I think mom just took her last breath a few minutes ago."

Here is my recommendation about what to say:  "I am so sorry."  Obviously, in the case above and in the capacity of work I had other things to do and say, but in most regular life cases, when we attend funerals or write sympathy cards, I think it's okay to just be simple.  "I'm so sorry.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers."  Even to say, "I don't know what to say" will probably ring more true to the mourner. 

Mourners are rightfully sensitive.  So often they are put in the position of being dumped on with other people's unresolved issues about death or other people's attempts to relieve their own anxiety:  "this reminds me of when my father died,"  "I know just how you feel,"  "It'll be okay,"  "be grateful you had her for as long as you did,"  "at least he didn't suffer, "God wanted her with him now,"  "it's a blessing."  No one who has ever offered these words is trying to be unkind - it's just that to the person who just suffered a loss is not equipped to comfort another person, nor are they in the position to easily feel comforted.

In the end, I also think there's a lot to be said for not saying much, but giving someone a hug, holding their hand, giving a pat on the arm.  I know I've thought more about death than most people, so I've often thought that no matter how awesome the afterlife is, it doesn't seem like touch will be a part of it.  Maybe touch is unique to life and as good a way as any to comfort someone we care about who has just suffered a loss.