in defense of alone-ness

I think alone-ness gets a bad rap because it gets confused with loneliness.  I think parents and our society generally place value on extroversion rather than introversion.  I'm a parent - I know it's tempting to become worried if you see your kid playing alone on the playground, or you notice your child hiding behind your legs when you think they should be well on their way to greeting teachers and classmates with an open smile.  I can't tell you how many people I've worked with professionally who hear an internal voice of criticism in their adult lives when they don't feel that they are fitting in or enjoying social situations fully. 

This is pure observation on my part, but it seems to me that addiction/substance abuse is linked to the confusion betwen alone-ness and loneliness.  Many people I know who struggle with alcohol and drugs experience a deep sense of being alone, even in a crowd of friends.  And they feel anxious about it and judgmental toward themselves - they tell themselves, "look at everyone else having a good time, you don't fit in here.  What's wrong with you?"  Drinking or drugs can temporarily make that awkward feeling go away.

So from Miss Moderation, I can only tell you what my experience is:  I get that feeling too, sometimes. Even with people I love and respect dearly.  And what I've come to believe is that I  have a deep need for alone-ness that I don't always listen to or give enough time to.  In my adult life and as I've gained more understanding of this aspect of myself, I've been at events and gatherings where I've finally thought to myself,  "these are nice people but talking with them is tiring me out.  I'm going to go to the bathroom and just be quiet for a few minutes."  This works for me! 

I'd like to posit that the impulse toward alone-ness is a good and healthy thing - it can look a number of ways:  it can look like staying home on a Friday night when it seems like everyone else is going out.  It can mean that in your circle of friends and acquaintances everyone else seems to value a something (new houses, kids going to a certain school, recommending a particular book for the book club), but there's something that just doesn't fit for you and you acknowledge that to yourself without judgment toward them.  Alone-ness can be literal - going to a movie alone.  It can be figurative -  you can be with others, but still have alone-ness.  Loneliness feels yucky.  Alone-ness runs the gamut of feeling neutral to peaceful or sometimes even brave. 

If you are alone, literally or figuratively, and you're feeling uncomfortable or self-critical, I'd like to suggest an experiment - don't try to alleviate your anxiety by making that phone call, turning on the TV or music, or taking a drink.  Wait it out a bit.  Take some quiet time for yourself.  In your alone-ness, you are actually, truly connected with other people.