We woke up yesterday morning to the news of another mass shooting. I know many friends and fellow parents who feel at a loss and also outraged as to how to explain this world of violence, hate, and death to their kids (not to mention to understand it themselves). Anyone who knows me, including my clients, knows that I would never presume to tell you how to respond or feel, but I am going to give you my perspective on how I think we become helpers and not hurters and how we can empower our kids, and hopefully reduce their fears.
I think we need to consider that we are the ones that are mistaken about the world. What I mean is this - throughout history - every ancient religion, including Judeo-Christianity, explains our human experience through myth. And every culture has a myth about the entrance of bad stuff into the world. Whether it's Adam and Eve or Pandora or Australian Aboriginese, the people who came before us were given stories about the plague of death, evil, violence, hate and greed on humanity. There may be caveats of hope, but mostly the stories affirm that bad things are abundant.
Yet, we live in a relatively luxurious time now. Many of us grew up in a place where death and disease seemed far away and murder and violence seemed like someone else's problem. We have forgotten the stories that informed the many generations of people who came before us.
Working in hospice I grew to have a different perspective. I've known many, many people who have died. When I began writing about my work in hospice, I tried to estimate how many patients I had from January 2004 through May 2010 and I figured it was around 1000. And of course, like all of us, people I love have also died. Loss and suffering did not seem far away. So in terms of both physical and emotional safety, I've probably have to un-myth myself more than many people. I even have a psychologist friend who says, "I don't even like to think about your job."
We know loss and all it's causes are frightening for us, but other layers of fear and anxiety are added when we consider (or are forced to) talk with our kids about them. And there's a lot to talk about: School shootings and intruder drills and climate change and natural disaster. Divorce and cancer and addiction. Bullies and racism and rape.
We long to protect our children from fear, to create their little world and maintain it for as long as possible - where everything is safe and kind and fair. So when it comes to talking with our kids about the scary things in life, many times we don't know what to say.
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When my daughter was three years old, a dear family friend was dying in the hospital after a long illness and I wanted to say goodbye. I knew that he did not have long and it was important to see him. My son was at preschool, but I did not have anyone available to take care of her. I took her to the hospital with me.
I remember taking the elevator to his room. I held her in my arms and I said, "We are going to see my friend, who is very sick and doesn't have long to live. He will look strange. There are special machines helping him breathe and the machines are noisy. He is very skinny. He will not be able to talk. We will have to be very quiet and we won't stay very long, but I want to say 'goodbye' to him."
Almost 10 years later, my daughter doesn't remember anything of this. I know many parents may not have made this choice, and I myself felt a bit uncertain.
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I included a painting by Norman Rockwell from the 1940s, called Freedom from Fear at the beginning of this post. He paints an alluring picture of what Freedom from Fear might look like - he was part of creating an American myth. And as I mentionted earlier, myths are influential and living stories that shape much - from our countries to our families. Think about the family you came from or the family you have created - there is a story or a myth you've been a part of forming or buying into. You might have the big, chaotic family where everyone is welcome and it's always a mess. You might be in the party family. You might be shy to admit it, but when forced, you have the perfect family where everyone is attractive and high achieving. You might be from the do-gooder family or the farm family or the camping family.
Myths are an important part of identity, but my first thought about cultivating resilience is to combine myth with a little Midwester Matter of Fact-ness . It's quite unpoetic, but part of the family myth I perpetuate in my home is "Shit happens." Really, what I want my kids to know is the Truth as I see it...Things don't always go our way. Sometimes we have good luck and sometimes we have bad luck. Sometimes things aren't fair, but we keep trying anyway.
The problem with certain kinds of myths is that they are very dramatic and they don't allow room for change and variation (which, as the Buddhists will tell us is the one things we can count on in life). So, the way I tell stories, including discuss the news, in my family is pretty mundane and matter of fact. The words I use are calm. Here are some underlying messages in the way I give information to my kids:
While bad things can happen, mostly good things happen. When bad things happen, you can choose how to respond to that. You can choose what kind of person you want to be. Adults have struggles and are imperfect. We ask for help when problems seem too big. We help other people when we have extra to give. How things look on the outside is not always how they are on the inside. I have found that God strengthens me in hard times.
I don't rage about Donald Trump, even though I believe the tone and tenor he sets for our country are extremely damaging and perhaps dangerous. I don't 'go off' about gun control, even though I believe strongly that we need more common sense gun laws.
Please don't get the impression that I am the picture of calm. Weirdly, the little things can throw me in a tizzy. A kid falling off his bike on the way to school or the dog getting diarrhea can elicit tears from me at times. And when people in my life die, I've really cried about that in places where my kids have seen and heard. As parents, we don't need to show NO emotion, but the story that might empower our kids is to hear us articulate the difference between anxiety and truth or grief and self-pity.
Part of our job as parents is to keep figuring out who we really are (rather than perpetuate a myth) and reflecting to our kids who they are and who they are growing into.
As life happens and we respond, our stories and myths about ourselves may grow and change, and if we are open to it, that will strengthen our foundation.
I think about a man I know whose wife cheated on him. He said, "I always thought I was the kind of person that if my wife cheated on me, that would be IT. I wouldn't try to reconcile. But I did try to reconcile until it became clear that the marriage was really over for her." He went on to say, "I always thought I was the kind of person who would be strong in a very bad situation. And I was very strong. I didn't let this throw me into depression or self-doubt. It's good to know that I am strong in the ways I always thought I was."
For this man, as for so many of us, having awful experiences in life, gives us new insights that strengthen our foundation as a person, because we find out A) I can endure and thrive after a really hard thing and B) I have evidence of how I respond under duress. One part of our deep fears is the unconscious thought, "I don't think I could handle x, y, or z." A silver lining at times, of surviving hard times is an increased confidence, a deep knowing - "I can handle things."
In a way, we really don't want NO bad luck or misfortune ever to come into our kids' lives. Well, in some kind of ideal utopia, then yes, we want no misfortune for our children - but in the real world we live in - the one where Pandora's Box is open, some misfortune can help them test and know WHO THEY ARE. This sense of inner strength and fortitude will not keep them from fear, but will be a foundation to respond to and thrive after frightening times, because it is based on experience, not myth.
If we are really LIVING our lives, there is no safety. The reason for this, is that when we really live, we LOVE. We love people, we love animals, we love this beautiful planet. When we are open to love and loving, the great danger and truth is that sometimes we will lose. But we keep loving anyway. That is not a myth. Love is the truth that does not erase fear, but is the balm and the strength and the promise to our children.
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