It's OK To Laugh - Especially at Yourself or Death (and Sex) Part Two

By age 90, my grandmother, not infrequently, was asked, "What's the secret to living a long life."  I remember her saying, "You've got to have a sense of humor and faith in God."

Myself, I'm a big believer in listening to old people.  Not because oldness makes people necessarily wise, but they have a potentially better shot at being wise.  (But that makes me think of a young client I once worked with - when I asked her something like, "Is it one of your hopes to gain wisdom?"  She replied, "Not really.")

I don't tend to analyze humor, but I often have to answer the question, "Isn't your job depressing?"  And I am then forced to think about why my job isn't depressing and why I think my clients don't find meeting with me depressing, and I think it's because I try to have a sense of humor.

My friend and colleague, Heather Raznick and I gave a presentation a few years back on using humor and play as therapeutic interventions in sex therapy and grief therapy.  We had the best time looking for video clips to illustrate how humor gets to something true in both of these areas where people often feel so heavy and serious.  Here's my favorite video clip about grief from an old episode of Roseanne (thanks to my friend, Ellen, for directing me to this).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FtfUKR1b0E

There is a lot of heavy stuff going on in the world, and it's the whole shebang - personal, political, sociological, psychological, scientific.  It's oppression, disease, abuse, death, violence, fear, war.

I know many people who are 'fighting the good fight' to try to leave the world kinder, safer, and more free than when they got here.  I also know many people who are fighting the good fight just in their own lives- trying to suss through deteriorating relationships, dealing with a child with special needs, coping with a medical diagnosis, grieving the death of the person they love most.  In all of this, I notice that some people keep a sense of humor and some people don't.  Maybe some people never had it to begin with.  Some people can laugh, but they can't laugh at themselves.

Several weeks ago, Saturday Night Live satirized this impulse in a HILARIOUS (to me) 'advertisement' for Levi's Woke Jeans. Levi's Woke

The longer I live, the more I am suspecting that a key to a happier life is the ability to genuinely laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously.  I don't mean being self-deprecating.  I mean cultivating a way to hold in your brain two opposing things at the same time:  You are important, you are meaningful, you are beloved AND you are one thread in the fabric of a vast universe.

Basically, you and I are totally awesome and totally absurd at the same time.  I think that's why the Roseanne clip is so funny - the absurdity of Jackie yelling into the phone "Dad's dead!"  It's so jarring and true and the fact that she couldn't make herself understood!

Absurdity is it!  Have you ever explained to your child 'where babies come from?'  Then you know exactly what I mean - that's why sex is so often funny.  The fact that babies are made from a penis going in a vagina is totally weird.  And when kids learn this fact, they get it immediately.  The thing they don't understand fully and maybe we adults don't often let ourselves get it either, is that it's totally miraculous too - it feels good and you can MAKE A HUMAN LIFE.  Holy shit!  That's so amazing and weird.  And to my point...just like us. 

I remember one of my hospice patients, Hattie.  An African-American lady in her 80s with a strong faith and sense of humor.  Her biggest complaint about dealing with her late stage cancer, was her constipation, which caused her pain.  She said she was not afraid to die and I believed her (I didn't believe many people when they said that...and not many people said it.)

When I would meet with her, she would sit on her bedside commode, totally unashamed.  She'd try to poop and she'd hand me a can of Glade air freshener and we would talk.  When she farted she would giggle and order me to "Spray.  Spray."  We laughed together.  It was absurd and necessary and tender and true to be together in such an intimate way.

I know another lady who doesn't take herself too seriously, but who is seriously awesome.  She is in her mid 70s and has completed two pilgrimages in the past two years - hundreds of miles trekking through Europe.  She told me the story of a years ago road trip with her daughter to Indiana.  They are from Missouri and they spoke in Southern accents the whole way.  Switching between a Georgia drawl and a Tennessee twang.  When she told me this story, we laughed so hard!  This is exactly something I would do with my kids too.

I have a part of me that is sorta Buddhist.  My sorta Buddhist part knows that a lot of our seriousness is ego.  In my experience our egos lead us to many un-truths where we get stuck - our ego tells us things like: 1) I am the one that has to do x, y, or z; 2) This person's actions are about me; 3) I am the problem; 4) I know the way things are supposed to be.  Try talking in a Southern accent or British.  I think you might find it helps put your ego in perspective.

Ok, folks.  It's Friday.  We've witnessed another week of news - the aftermath of another mass shooting, an election, more revelations about famous men abusing women and men with less power.  We've worried about our kids, our parents, our marriages.  We've had tough conversations.  We've been disappointed.  We've been pleased.  People have done surprising and kind things in our lives.  We have given hugs and celebrated birthdays.  This is life.  It is big and it is little.  We are important and we are silly.  May we do serious work and hold it all with a little lighter touch.