Listening to Your Gut Instinct Takes Guts...and Listening

A few of my patients in hospice were frank about dying.  Mary was one of them - about 70 years old, but a young 70 - a vibrant, well-dressed, sassy woman.  She was one of the few patients I worked with who opted into hospice care while she was still very able, but knowing that the aggressive, no-longer treatable cancer that she had would incapacitate her soon and her family and she would need the extra care and information.  She also came into hospice care with a feeding tube, a kind of unusual occurance at that time - in some cases, a feeding tube would be considered a life prolonging measure, but not in Mary's case.

Something about her character to show you more...I remember the second time I met with her, we sat in two big chairs in her first floor bedroom, chatting.  Her husband entered, and behind him followed a woman, a few years younger than Mary, who was clearly unknown to her.  The woman boldly stepped out behind the husband and strode over, hand outreached to greet Mary.  "Hello," she said.  "You don't know me, but I live down the street.  I heard about your cancer and I would like to pray over you, if that's okay with you."  Like Jim from the TV show, The Office, Mary looked over at me with a flummoxed, but simultaneously deadpan expression.  "Sure," she said.  "That'd be great."  Mary was not a traditionally religious person, but she was open to life and people.  After the lady left, Mary turned to me and said nonchalantly, "Well, that was kind of weird.  But nice."

Another day I visited, she beckoned me over to sit next to her in bed, patting the spot right beside her.  She was tired that day.  "How am I going to die?" she asked.

This is the moment when I turn to the camera like Jim from The Office, and what I am thinking is, "How the hell did I end up here?"  And when I say, Here, I mean in this crazy life doing this crazy job.  It's the sort of question few people asked me, but when they did, I had learned enough to be vague.  Not because it would hurt their feelings, or be frightening, but because in the face of death, a social worker really knows very little and is often surprised.  I'd say most nurses and doctors would even say the same thing.

"Well,"  I said, "All I can tell you is what I've seen in other people.  It doesn't mean it will be like this for you."

And I very frankly told her what I'd seen.  One thing I said, and I still find it astounding and true as I write it, "It seems like you wouldn't ever be able to let go of life, but people seem, at some point, to let go."

"How will I know when to let go?" Mary asked.

"I don't know."

"I think I will just know,"  Mary nodded as she said it.  "I will just have a gut instinct and I will know."

"Will you tell me when you know?"  I asked.

"I will.  I will tell you when I know."

In my private practice and also in my life, I encourage people to listen to their gut instinct, their intuition.  Most people know what I mean and have had the experience when their intuition has helped guide them in the right direction or when they didn't listen to their intuition and the results were not good.  More spiritual people, might name this sense, God.  I can go with any of these names because the aspect of the universe I mean is this deep knowing and wanting what is for our good and our health, the joy of us, the greater love in our life, the things that are beautiful in us.  Personally, I think our intuition guides us toward that as I believe in a loving God/Higher Power/Mystery that also guides us toward that.

So how do we listen to that more?  How do we know what it's saying?

Here's what it's not going to sound or look like, no matter how much we want it to:

Our gut instinct or even God, does not often give us direct message in the visage of Frankie Avalon telling us to go back to high school.  Even though, I don't know about you, but I LONG for my deep, universal messages to come to me in musical form.  And also very obviously.  Like, "DROP OUT OF BEAUTY SCHOOL."  Both obvious and musical messages would make my life more fun and also easier.

But mostly, I think we hear, what is called in theology, "the still, small voice."  And this is what we can practice listening to.  And take the heat off of ourselves...try listening when the stakes are small. Really small. One thing that my intuition with a small 'i' has been saying the past couple of years:  listen to classical music.  I know nothing about classical music, I don't play an instrument, I really couldn't know less.  But something just tells me to listen to it.  All I can say is that I feel calm and peaceful when I do.  Maybe that's enough.  Maybe all my intuition is trying to tell me is that I need peaceful sounds to go in my ears and that this is good for me.  Stakes are pretty low, but results feel right.

To me, that's how you begin gathering some evidence that there is some knowing in you that may be trusted.

Here's another way I sometimes wish my gut instinct or message from God would show up:

And truthfully, there have been a couple times in my life when more or less this is what happened.  No, not psychic Whoopi Goldberg, but either me or someone else has given me mental blaring sirens and 'get the hell out of here.' 

But mostly, even when the stakes are high, my inner wisdom is MINE, and I can't rely on a psychic, a therapist, a parent, or significant other to tell me what to do, when to do it, and why.

Some of the high stakes/grown up things we all deal with:  Should I take this new job?  Should I go to this doctor/take this treatment?  Should I stay in the relationship?  Should I enter the conflict?  Should I reach out to the person who hurt me?  Should I share my opinion?  Should I pursue the adoption?   Am I living the life I want to live?  What else is there in this life for me and how do I find it?

One of the last times I visited Mary, she said, "Well, I'm ready to let go.  And I was right,  I just knew."

"How did you know?"

"I knew when I couldn't make it to the bathroom and deal with it all myself.  I've stopped my tube feedings.  I don't want to live like that.  I don't want to live like that for very long."

What Mary had, that we all want and need, in order to listen to our still, small voice when the stakes are high and the chips are down, is that she knew and accepted herself.  She knew herself and what it meant to her to live a life with dignity and enjoyment.  It doesn't mean that has to be my line or your line, but it was her line.  And she knew it, and so she knew when to let go.

And maybe that is what I mean when I say to my clients or myself or my friend or my child, "Listen to your gut instinct"  - take the time to know who you REALLY are.  Knowing who you really are will clear your ears to hear, your eyes to see, and your mind to think.  Many times, our gut instinct does not clear the whole path all the way down the line and forever - we don't drop beauty school, go back to high school, graduate, attend Harvard and live happily ever after.  Our still, small voice leads us to the next place that is good for us, that place which is for our health and well-being for that moment of our life. 

The next moment will come.  There is rarely only one right thing to do next.  Just keep listening.