A Happy Life? Close Relationships...yes, please. Jerry Maguire...no, thank you.

The other day I posted an article from Inc.on my personal facebook about a groundbreaking, Harvard study, following the emotional health and well-being of hundreds of men (primarily) .  It's a pretty famous study, mostly because very few studies span 75 years - literally, generations.  Here's a link to the actual study (not the article I posted on facebook.) 
Harvard Second Generation Study

The catchy part that makes this fodder for TED talks and facebook feeds is what looks like the conclusion (at least for this generation):  it's not wealth, success, fame or power that makes people happy, content or healthy over a lifetime.  It's the quality of their relationships. 

After I posted the Inc. article, a friend responded to the link on my timeline, enthusiastically agreeing and saying, to paraphrase - Yes!  When we find that special person in our life, who we can tell everything to and who loves and supports us no matter what...that is the key to happiness! 

I found myself with two totally different reactions to this innocent and energetic reply -

1) My therapist self, says No, let me explain more:  It's not finding the one elusive soulmate (if that even exists) - it's about cultivating genuine connectedness, affection and support in our varied relationships.  Friendships, sibling relationships, the person we serve on the non-profit board with, our parents - all of these relationships can be of high quality and emotional intimacy.  This broad, loving community is what makes a healthy and happy life. 

2)  My emotional, non-logical self.  My 'Jeez I Just Got Divorced and I'm Starting Life Over Self,' says - Oh my gosh, what about that one special person?!?  I don't have one.  What if I die miserable and unfulfilled.  What do I make of this soulmate thing?  Should I get more cats or is that like a sign that I TOTALLY WILL die alone?!

Ok, so that 2) kind of jumps to conclusions and I have to reign her in.  But who can blame her.  We live in a culture of the romantic myth.  I don't mean to say that all romance is a myth, but what I mean to say is that most people I know (not all), have the hope of going through this life with someone they love.  And in pursuing this goal, we often put the cart before the horse.  Or maybe we have the horse and the cart, but we don't keep it hooked up in working order.

To that end, here's another something - the most downloaded article from the New York Times in 2016

Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person

One of the things Alain de Botton (a teacher and philosopher) says is, "Partly, it’s because we have a bewildering array of problems that emerge when we try to get close to others. We seem normal only to those who don’t know us very well. In a wiser, more self-aware society than our own, a standard question on any early dinner date would be: “And how are you crazy?”"

He's very funny to listen to and read, and I'd also like to flip his question the other way.  In our search for emotional intimacy, I think the most important question is actually, "Do I know how I am crazy and can I convey that honestly to someone else?" 

Part of the reason our relationships - be they friendships, romances, marriages, boss/employee relationships, may not feel as fulfilling as they might is because we don't know our own selves well enough to say what we want, what we need, or who we are.

I work on this in my own life.  Recently, I called my sister with some problem or other.  My sister is a wonderful fixer - she is solution focused and creative.  She has a passionate way of communicating.  When I called her, I prefaced the problem - "I need to talk about something, but I need you to just be gentle and not offer any solutions.  I just need support in this moment."  She was awesome.  She was a cheerleader.  She was a listener.  And she was gentle.  Is was just what I needed in that moment.

I think we need to stop questing for others to be perfect for us and we need to stop expecting ourselves to be perfect in relationships.  If most people would like to look back on their lives from a ripe old age and feel that life was meaningful, more or less content, and sometimes even happy, I 100% believe that will correlate to the quality of our relationships.  But the first quality relationship is the one with ourselves.  How well do we know ourselves and can we share that without shame in our closest relationships?  Not only that, do we allow room in our lives to grow and change or for our partner, or siblings, or parents or children to grow and change.  Certainly what we need and who we are at age 30 is different in some way(s) than who we are at age 65. 

To wrap up, and share a little more that makes me crazy in the Alain de Botton kind of way is that I have a part of me that is totally sappy and sentimental and at the same time a part of me that is very subversive and even cynical.  Some things that masses of other people seem to like can totally get on my nerves.  Like the movie Forrest Gump.  Or Jerry Maguire.  I hated Jerry Maguire with a passion (except for Cuba Gooding, Jr.).  Remember Tom Cruise said, "You complete me" to Rene Zellweger?  I did not find that romantic at all.  So to that end, mostly when I write these blogs, I want there to be some measure of thought-provoking and some measure of 'let's not take ourselves too seriously.'  So here you go:  Get to know yourself and keep the lines of communication open with yourself and those you love.  Speak truthfully to people who are important to you.  And be wary, very wary of anyone who says this to you: