Endings, Beginnings, and Ferris Bueller

People who know me well know why I haven't been blogging this year.  And several people have been asking me for several months to start writing again.  As for me, I've wanted to, but also haven't until now, felt that I was ready.  I guess I'm ready as I'll ever be, but I am feeling  trepidation.  I'm nervous for both personal and professional reasons - personally, I've always used my own life experience to weave into whatever it is I'm blogging or writing about.  I got divorced this year.  The pain of that, the nuances of the end of a marriage, and the deep changes that take place in a family are vulnerable not just for me, but for others in my family.  If I choose to write about these things, it is my intention to do so in a way that is respectful of their sense of privacy and their healing.

Professionally, I have trepidation, too.  There is an idea in theater of the "fourth wall" - breaking the fourth wall is when the character on stage speaks directly to the audience.  I think of Ferris Bueller turning to the camera and saying to the audience, "How could I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?"  As a therapist, there is a fourth wall, too.  Most therapists don't tend to share much about their personal experience and there is an idea that the less a client knows about their therapist personally, the more effective the therapeutic relationship might be because the client will project their own issues on the therapist and through that projection can work through and heal from childhood wounds.  So, by writing about my personal experience, I run the risk of my clients who might read this, feeling that they know too much about me.

I am a therapist, but I write this blog because I am also a writer, poet, and storyteller.  I hope that sharing my experiences, thoughts, struggles, wonders, hopes, will help the world (and me) in some way - to help people understand one another better.  To help us feel connected to one another and ourselves.  And to offer courage.  One thing I've learned about myself is just how anti-authoritarian I am.  I don't believe that the therapist is this all-knowing wise person with ANSWERS.  Maybe some therapists have some answers, but I believe one of the purposes of my profession is to help people find their own answers.  Each person is the ultimate authority in his/her own life.

So, thank you for bearing with me through that long-winded introduction.

I got divorced this year.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, you would not wish divorce on your worst enemy.  In a generic way: 1) the legal process is nauseating - breaking a family down into measurable days and dollars, 2) there is the end of the hopes and dreams of two people who came together in a hopeful way to get married in the first place - the grief of letting go, 3) the changes to the greater family tradition/structure - holidays, birthdays, the annual camping trip to the lake, or whatever...all of that which impacts not just the two people who are divorced, but the whole family.

And I feel like I must share this to go on blogging/writing, because it will deeply influence my writing - what I write about and the lens through which I look at our human experience.

Many, many people express to me that they are happy this year is over.  The election process was an excruciating one in our country, regardless of how you feel about the outcome.  As a country, we are looking at many cracks in our social and political fabric that need healing.  As a world community, it feels like there is more distrust and fear than ever.  And that is not to mention the personal struggles that each of us face.

In my last blog that I posted, January 2016, I asked:"how will you show up for the year?"  2016 didn't give me too many choices...life happened and it happened fast.  So, my answer to the question in looking back over the year is that overall, I showed up awestruck - in Webster's that means, "filled with a feeling of fear and wonder."  With the wind knocked out of me, I was vulnerable in ways I'd never been before.  I felt great pain, but I also received great help.

When I wrote in my journal this morning, I thought about what I want for 2017 and maybe this is what I want for my whole life - and that is to live free.  What I most mean by that is to speak my truth - sometimes my truth is telling my story, sometimes my truth is sharing my hope and strength, sometimes it is saying 'no' even if someone else doesn't like it.  Sometimes, it is playing hooky from school.

As hard as this year was for me, I can't say that I wish it away or regret it.  This for each of us, is our one precious life.  Each hour, each day, each year adds up.  Maybe it will give you courage to know that I went through horrendous grief and I am okay.  I love this life.  And, as Ferris Bueller says, "Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Onward, Friends.  I'll see you in 2017.