Bouncing Into Graceland - Chapter 1 (or Remedial Bouncing)

I have a friend from South City St. Louis - he grew up there in the 1960s and 70s and he starts just about every story with, "one time, back when we were kids on the South side.."  And this is a guy who likes to tell stories, so you can imagine how we roll our eyes as soon as he starts.  Affectionately.

So, sometimes I feel like that too when I start a story "one time, when I worked in hospice..."  I hope my audience has the same patience and fondness for me that I have for South Side Pete.

As I was saying:  When I worked in hospice, I became closest to and listened to the stories of caregivers. Husbands, wives, daughters, sons, siblings, cousins, who found themselves in the role of taking care of their dying loved one in their home.  Caregivers are made, but some people have a natural predisposition to it.  Caregivers put their own needs second.  They see what needs to be done and they do it.  They have strong stomachs and live on very little sleep.  They are stubborn, self-sufficient.  Sometimes they are martyrs.  They often get irritable.  They often think it's easier to 'do it myself' than let someone else do it.  They often think others don't do it right.  Many times they have a secret thought, "If I don't get it done myself, something terrible is going to happen."

I am a natural born caregiver.  It's no badge of honor, I've come to find out.  I am the oldest sibling and something in my disposition is a 'fixer.'  When I was just four years old, I saw a baby bunny in the jaws of a neighborhood cat and I went and plucked that bunny out of the mouth of the cat and gave it to my mom.  How proud I was that I "saved" it! I am sure I was a caregiver in other ways over the years, but I never named that part of my personality until I was a young mom AND I worked in hospice at the same time.  I also noticed that many of my other young mom friends acted and felt much the same as the caregivers I worked with.

In 2013, I found myself and my family in a crisis.  The biggest crisis I'd ever faced.  And I again, found myself in the role of a caregiver.

Yet, I was in shock and grief myself.  And I needed caring for.  I didn't know where to begin.  The only thing in my life before that which had prepared me at all was my observation of other caregivers when I worked in hospice.

And here is the remedial lesson for today in Bouncing Into Graceland - when you find your grown up self in pain and at an all time low, but also having to maintain a job, be a good parent, pay bills - and you don't have the luxury of falling apart.

People who love you will tell you, "Take Care Of Your Self."  They mean well.

We caregivers don't know what the hell that means. Maybe most people don't know what it means.  If you have some financial means, about the best you can come up with is, "maybe I'll get a massage."  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a massage, but taking care of yourself is something so much more basic than that.

Caregivers will tell you, "I don't have time to take care of myself.  I'll take care of myself when x y or z happens (my dad dies, when my kids are in college, when I get this promotion."  I am here to tell you that from experience, I can now officially say I know better.  I can offer a better, kinder, more healing way.

Taking care of yourself starts small.  Are you getting sleep?  Are you getting enough sleep?  Do you taste your food?  Are you eating food that has some yumminess to you?  Are you getting  hugs?  Can you feel what it feels like to let someone hug you?  Can you stretch your body?  Can you read something for fun?  Can you feel what your warm coffee cup feels like when you hold it in your hands?  Can you take 20 seconds to look at the colors of the Fall leaves?

Taking care of yourself means knowing that you are a grown up you, but you are also as precious as a child.  Your basic needs of sleep, food, connection need attention.

This is one place I started.  This was my remedial lesson in getting out of my strictly caregiver role.  I knew that if I didn't, I could maintain, but I would become a bitter, weakened person.  I knew this because I'd seen it happen with some others caregivers I'd worked with.  I didn't  want this for myself.  It started so small for me.  The warm coffee cup.  Thinking hard about what food sounded good to me, even when there were times it tasted like dust.  Doing the same thing the next day.

If you find yourself burnt out and frustrated or feeling like a martyr, don't wait until a crisis.  If you are scared and fragile, you don't have to take on the world.  Just try to get back to basic building blocks.  Today is a beautiful Fall day...the sunlight is free and feels warm and good if you let yourself step outside.