what happens when an adversary becomes a teacher

I am thinking about an old boss of mine.  I was young, the office was small (three people), and she was an exacting perfectionist.  The work was intense - 'special events' - and sometimes I worked as many as 80 hours in a week.  Because the office was so small, sometimes the work felt personal...almost like a family.  My boss scared me.  She was so perfect.  And controlled.  And never seemed to flinch at the number of hours we worked.  She never broke character.  At least this is how I interpreted her with my 24 year old brain.  I tried really hard to live up to her expectations of me (which I felt were to be just like her).  I knew I failed when I ended up crying in the supply closet.  When she discovered me there crying, she yelled at me and sent me home.  I found another job in the next few months.

I'm thinking about this because of a note I found written in a journal of mine - in the past few months, a friend of mine said, "the people who bring us the greatest challenge and pain are our greatest teachers." 

I know my old boss didn't bring me the "greatest challenge and pain" in my life, but she brought me some.  I never knew whether I wanted to hate her, for her to like me, whether she was my friend or adversary.  How confusing!  What did I learn from her?  What did she teach me?  It's an interesting way to look at someone who is bringing you now (or brought you in the past), hurt, discomfort, anger, unrest or grief.  I think it can be a way to learn from everyone in our lives from bosses, to crushes, to our own parents or children...what is it that I am learning about myself , about what I need or want from this person?  I am being taught by a teacher, that I never expected.

I think about my old boss now.  What did I learn?  At that time I was taught lessons that fit with my 24 year old self:   I learned that the job felt bad, because it was bad for me - not because there was something wrong with me that I needed to fix to make myself fit the job.  I learned that it wasn't good for me to be around a person that made me feel like I needed to lie.  Now, I think as an older woman - how I want to mentor and nurture and teach younger people. Also, as my older self, I  see that I have a little of her in me, and that is a part of me that isn't as healthy as it could be.  I can be exacting and hard on myself (ouch!  it's not easy to find  honest answers to our questions). 

Maybe someone is challenging you right now.   Our most important relationships tend to be complicated.  It might be interesting to take a few minute and ask yourself,  "what is this person teaching me?"  Take enough time to write your answers down.  It may be that you not only are enlightened by what you find, but that your relationship with that person lightens up too.