what's your code?

I saw a PBS special this week on TV Crusaders.  The creators and actors of characters like Hawkeye Pierce, House, and even Xena, Warrior Princess were interviewed.  It was fun and interesting.  On my 'to watch' list for life is the HBO series, The Wire.  This Crusaders special showed some bits of a character named Omar Little.  He was a gangster and he killed a lot of people, I guess, but he never killed anyone who wasn't in 'the game' (drugs).  He was talking with a cop in one clip they showed and the cop says, 'Everybody's got to have a code.' 

I was thinking about that and I like it.  It made me wonder what my code is and who influenced it.  One thing in particular has come to mind this week - maybe because of Thanksgiving, which I find to be the most patriotic holiday.  I was thinking about my dad and some influence he had on me - his code, I guess.  My dad was shaped by the military - he went to military school, was in college ROTC, the Army Reserves.  He'd tell you today that a guiding principle of his life is Duty, Honor, Country. 

Duty and honor are concepts that interest me a lot - I find that there are many ways to be a warrior, and not all of them are literally military.  Through my work in hospice, and of course, as a therapist, many of the warriors I witness look like caregivers.  They get up every single day to battle fatigue, grief, someone else's disease process or despair.  They commit themselves to the well-being and health of others -whether it's their kids or their aging parents, their patients, or community members.  They find honor in living this way and they are steadfast in their duties. 

When my kids were really little, I remember kind of thinking the word duty was funny because it was resonant to me of 'doo - doo.'  Always, highbrow humor at our house!  Some days, I felt like all I was doo-doo doing was duty.  I had to doo-doo the never-ending laundry, doo-doo the never-ending dishes, doo-doo the baths and diaper changes, doo-doo my paperwork for work, doo-doo taking care of the animals, doo-doo church commitments, etc., etc..  Why did I doo-doo all this, I asked myself?  Because I LOVED these people- my kids, my husband, my patients, my church friends.  Or I was supposed to.  Or I think I thought I did.  Oh, no!

See, somehow in all the duty, the responsibility,  I truly had lost touch with the love that was supposed to be motivating me toward all this action. 

Sometimes I get disgusted with gooey self-help words like self-care.  But here's what I think it means.  To be a grown up in the real sense of the world, I think we have to have an understanding of our own freedom.  The literal truth is that we have a lot of freedom.  When we take care of ourselves it gives us room, it gives us a sense of space, time, and freedom.  When we have this space, time and sense of freedom, we can get back to our 'duties', but we can do it with love and not resentment or rote operations.  My husband would tell you, 'I'm a simple man.'   (That might be his Code).  So this is what he says about my topic today: 'if you do something because you want to do it, it's just easier.'

Out of the mouths of babes.  You know, I don't know if I have a one-sentence code, but I know that I value being honorable and dutiful.  I also value being loving and having fun.  In fact I recommend the following:  honor, duty, loving and fun. And at least for today, that is my code.

Happy Thanksgiving and much LOVE to you and your families!