As a younger woman, one of the idiosyncratic things I carried some shame about for a long time, was being a 'secret smoker.' During college and for several years after that, a lot of my friends smoked cigarettes when they went out to the bars, socialized, etc. Because it was socially sanctioned, I joined in and had no shame about it. But, I also snuck off and smoked cigarettes at other times. I felt terrible about that type of smoking and put a lot of rules on myself. And being Miss Moderation, I largely followed the main rule: no more than 4 cigarettes a day. Okay five.
Why did I smoke,when besides being bad for me, it was such an aggravation to go through the elaborate rituals of trying to hide it (perfume, breath mints, hiding in alleys away from my bosses at work?) Why did I smoke, when I got mad at myself about it? There were a lot of reasons, but the one I want to talk about is how we tend to want to hold onto shame. How we sometimes cling to habits that give us an excuse to beat up on oursleves.
The theme of regrets and shame, how we are hard on ourselves, I've been really trying to examine this lately. Why do we judge ourselves so harshly? Do we judge others harshly? Sometimes. So if we judge others harshly, I guess it would make 'sense' to judge ourselves that way.
Yet for me personally, this has not been a problem. I'm just not judgmental. But I am a perfectionist with myself. I observe that many of us are very hard on ourselves and very forgiving of others. Why don't we turn that same compassion inward? What does our shame and regret serve? What does it not serve?
Being a parent has helped me with this, but it doesn't take a parent to get it. As a parent, there is nothing your kid could do that would make you not love them. There's a great scene with Lily Tomlin in a movie called "Flirting With Disaster", where she very dramatically clutches her chest and yells at her son "Even if you were Jeffrey Dahmer, we would still love you!" The whole movie is bizarrely hysterical.
And absurdly, it does make me think of my experience of love as a parent. One small example that comes to mind is when my then four year old daughter told a lie and got caught - I said, "Always tell me the truth and you will not get in as much trouble as if you lie and I find out." She bawled with shame, "I don't know why I have this mischief in me!" she said.
As a parent, as a human being, I felt compassion for her - I remembered feeling the way she felt when I was a kid - the feeling of being disappointed in yourself. I think there's a healthy aspect to it, because it can be a motivator to behavior change, but no part of me would ever want her to carry that disappointment with her forever. The parent in me says to the child in her, "Yes, you made a mistake. We all do that. We are human. Let's go on to the next set of choices and make better ones. I love you and always will, with all my heart, with all my self."
When we feel this unconditional love, we have some foundation from which to forgive our selves. We can let go more easily. We can say to ourselves, "Self, that sucks. But it's not the end of the world. Make your apologies if you need to and don't do it again." The shame is not something that we let define us.
If you are a parent, you know your child is inherently good and is most likely trying her best. Sometimes she doesn't do as well - when she is tired, when she's had many recent changes (school, teachers, schedules), when she is hungry, or sometimes she just has a bad day. How are you or I any different from this?
So here's what I propose. If you are struggling with the same habit, whether it's smoking, eating, a soured relationship, a bad temper, whatever- I propose talking to yourself like you are the most loving, fair parent in the world (I like to think of Atticus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird). What might you say to yourself? Then, take the time to say it.
And if you don't take the time to say it, for goodness sakes, don't get mad at yourself about that. One of my favorite, flawed heroines, Scarlett O'Hara said it, and I agree - "Tomorrow is another day."
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