I'm getting a presentation together for a conference in April, and I am not talking with myself nicely about it in my head. I'm presenting with a friend and colleague who, "I'm sure is much more polished than I am." I'm second guessing myself..."does my topic even fit with what the audience is expecting?!" "Will I be able to make this cohesive by April?" The ridiculous part about it is that the presentation deals with play, humor, and connecting with joy after loss. And I'm taking a distinctly un-playful approach.
So I started thinking about people who convey a sense of play and joy...the first person who came to mind for me was Jimmy Fallon. Here's a link to his top 10 most viral clips: http://uproxx.com/tv/2014/02/10-viral-clips-late-night-jimmy-fallon/ . He is so awesome because he conveys a genuine sense that he loves what he is doing. He laughs with his guests, he laughs at himself, and he seems really spontaneous.
I know I'm going old school, but one of the other people who came to mind quickly was Mary Lou Retton. I think most people who read my blog are old enough to remember her - the Olympic gymnast from the 1984. If you go back and watch any clips of her competing, she is much more noticeably joyful compared to not only her competitors then, but to any gymnasts now. People loved her because she conveyed an enthusiasm and joy in her immense talent.
And what about the Kid President - pure joy!
I think playfulness and joy must indicate some level of confidence. And if not confidence in the very thing we are doing, confidence that even if we 'mess up', we'll figure out a way to get back on track. I also think that play and joy indicate generosity - 'I have a gift, talent, or idea and I want to share it with you!'
I know people who are joyful coaches of their kids' sports teams, playful nurses, exuberant artists, and delighted skiers.
Where and how do you spend your time in ways that bring you joy? When are you able to convey a sense of playfulness and spontaneity? Can you find a way to do that thing more?
And what about the things we have to do? Things that aren't intrinsically playful? Housework is the first thing I think of. Sometimes I feel like folding the laundry and the dishes will never end. And indeed, they won't. Unless I become super rich and can hire people to do that for me. So given that I spend probably an hour a day doing dishes and folding laundry or other housework, is it possible for me to choose a joyful approach? I have nothing to lose by trying.
For me, it's not only a conscious shift in mental attitude but it's bringing an element of play into the task - for me that means listening to a podcast that interests me or music that makes me happy. This is the grown up version of my own Mrs. Piggle Wiggle. If you haven't read these kids' books from the 1950s, you should. Mrs. Piggle Wiggle lives in an upside down house, smells like cookies and was once married to a pirate and she plays with all the neighborhood kids and uses games, make believe and mischief to 'cure' them of all their childish ills like not taking a bath or not cleaning their rooms.
Really this post is a reminder to myself and maybe a nudge for you at the right time...if we find ourselves procrastinating or approaching a task with less than enthusiasm, take a few minute to suss out your obstacles. For me and my presentation, it's this great unknown - where to start? It's a little insecurity - will I be as good as I want to be? But now that I'm aware of the obstacles, I also have the power to make a shift. I have the choice not to take this (or any other task), quite so seriously. That's why I need to tap into my inner Jimmy Fallon and Mrs. Piggle Wiggle and put CCR on the ipod. If you take this approach too, I recommend a little Bad Moon Rising.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
A Not So Simple Pep Talk
As I was making chocolate chip pancakes for my daughter Sunday morning (combining three out of 6 items this child eats - eggs, milk and chocolate), and listening to Weekend Edition on NPR, I heard a giggly kid's voice on the radio. The Kid President was being interviewed. As his brother points out - it's a self-appointed position. Have you ever heard of this guy? He's awesome! Here's a link to his YouTube video - 20 Things We Should Say More Often: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5yCOSHeYn4
What I love about this kid is how he clear he is about what people can and should do. He says, “This is life people… you got air coming through your nose… you got a heart beat… it’s time to do something” His message is about hopes and dreams and making life more awesome.
Some days - like random Tuesdays or after the Seahawks lose the Super Bowl, or in the middle of breast cancer treatment or when we visit mom and we notice that she's really getting forgetful, or when our child has a terrible temper tantrum before school - we need a pep talk. The Kid President is great at pep talks. I love the idea of a pep talk and there are so many people out there who are inspiring and innovative and are offering through YouTube or books or their websites or blogs, words of encouragement and wisdom that help us put one foot in front of the other on a hard day or they might help us do something courageous and bold on a day we are feeling good.
Yet, I know there are days when lots of us feel un-inspirable (I made that word up). We feel cynical. We roll our eyes at pep talks. A hospice patient I once worked with was threatening suicide. He was in his nineties and bedbound, but I had to assess him for suicidality. I climbed right up in bed with him and shouted in his ear (he was hard of hearing), "Are you planning to kill yourself?!?"
This is what he said to me, "Are you one of those goddamned do-gooders?!?"
Here's what Parker Palmer says that I really like:
For me, the ability to hold life paradoxically became a life-saver. Among other things, it helped me integrate three devastating experiences of clinical depression, which were as dark for me as it must have been for Jonas inside the belly of that whale. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”, was the question that came time and again as my quest for light plunged me into darkness...understanding of paradox came to my rescue. Eventually I was able to see that the closer I move to the source of light, the deeper my shadow becomes. To be whole I have to be able to say I am both shadow and light.
From my own life experience and from working with people who are grieving the loss of someone they love - a simple pep talk often feels empty...when they hear things like, "he's gone to a better place" or "at least he's not suffering anymore", this feels empty and flat. Yet, at the same time, grievers long for comfort. Maybe that's how we all are - part of us wants to be comforted and part of us wants to wallow in our bitterness. It truly is a paradox.
Maybe life is simpler when you're a kid, but maybe not. The Kid President, for example, has osteogenesis imperfecta - his bones break easily and he's had more than 70 breaks in his life. So, while his message is simple (you can make life awesome!), he knows about this other side that Parker Palmer talks about...that we all have light and shadow.
To paraphrase, Brene Brown, hope is a function of adversity. We can't have hope unless and until we face hard times. Hope is a learned cognitive response - it is not an emotion. We can learn real hope that is beyond a simplistic platitude, but it takes great patience. Patience to sit through the hard times and our own eye rolling. Patience to earn our own hope: there are hard times but we are strong enough and the good times do come again.
What I love about this kid is how he clear he is about what people can and should do. He says, “This is life people… you got air coming through your nose… you got a heart beat… it’s time to do something” His message is about hopes and dreams and making life more awesome.
Some days - like random Tuesdays or after the Seahawks lose the Super Bowl, or in the middle of breast cancer treatment or when we visit mom and we notice that she's really getting forgetful, or when our child has a terrible temper tantrum before school - we need a pep talk. The Kid President is great at pep talks. I love the idea of a pep talk and there are so many people out there who are inspiring and innovative and are offering through YouTube or books or their websites or blogs, words of encouragement and wisdom that help us put one foot in front of the other on a hard day or they might help us do something courageous and bold on a day we are feeling good.
Yet, I know there are days when lots of us feel un-inspirable (I made that word up). We feel cynical. We roll our eyes at pep talks. A hospice patient I once worked with was threatening suicide. He was in his nineties and bedbound, but I had to assess him for suicidality. I climbed right up in bed with him and shouted in his ear (he was hard of hearing), "Are you planning to kill yourself?!?"
This is what he said to me, "Are you one of those goddamned do-gooders?!?"
Here's what Parker Palmer says that I really like:
For me, the ability to hold life paradoxically became a life-saver. Among other things, it helped me integrate three devastating experiences of clinical depression, which were as dark for me as it must have been for Jonas inside the belly of that whale. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”, was the question that came time and again as my quest for light plunged me into darkness...understanding of paradox came to my rescue. Eventually I was able to see that the closer I move to the source of light, the deeper my shadow becomes. To be whole I have to be able to say I am both shadow and light.
From my own life experience and from working with people who are grieving the loss of someone they love - a simple pep talk often feels empty...when they hear things like, "he's gone to a better place" or "at least he's not suffering anymore", this feels empty and flat. Yet, at the same time, grievers long for comfort. Maybe that's how we all are - part of us wants to be comforted and part of us wants to wallow in our bitterness. It truly is a paradox.
Maybe life is simpler when you're a kid, but maybe not. The Kid President, for example, has osteogenesis imperfecta - his bones break easily and he's had more than 70 breaks in his life. So, while his message is simple (you can make life awesome!), he knows about this other side that Parker Palmer talks about...that we all have light and shadow.
To paraphrase, Brene Brown, hope is a function of adversity. We can't have hope unless and until we face hard times. Hope is a learned cognitive response - it is not an emotion. We can learn real hope that is beyond a simplistic platitude, but it takes great patience. Patience to sit through the hard times and our own eye rolling. Patience to earn our own hope: there are hard times but we are strong enough and the good times do come again.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
#day7 - what it was like to take the challenge
So this is my last day of the blogging challenge. Here's what I learned: Seth Godin is the devil. No, I'm just kidding - I still love Seth Godin. His blog and thoughts about business, creativity, and being relevant as a 'product' in the market are challenging. Reading him is like having a boss that really demands that you be your best and not just get by.
I think I took this challenge, because, like many writers, I often tell myself, "you should write more." And then, I don't do it. For me, this stems from my desire to write something that means something to somebody else besides me. I write because I like a good story. I write because I want to try to tell a good story - whether it's with a poem or with the blog or with my graphic novel (which means comic book, for those who have asked me whether I'm writing a sexually graphic novel. I am not. But I think it's fun that people might even think this about me!) If it's 'good' writing, that means something to me. If I am able to take a metaphor or current event or idea and tie it all these seemingly disparate pieces together - like Broadcast News and Imagine Dragons - that feels fun to me.
It's just so hard to get started and if it's not 'good' or as good as I want it to me, I am frustrated.
So this is my first lesson from the #day1 challenge: Stop trying to be so good and just write.
The second thing I learned is: Know why I'm writing. Am I writing for stats? Am I writing to get a book deal? Am I writing for 'likes on facebook?' Sure. But, also, no.
At the very core, I am writing because despite looking like a pretty regular midwest working mom, I've had a few extraordinary experiences. And because of these experiences, I have something that I think is worthwhile to share - whether that's with one person or one million.
Just today, my dear friend sent me this link: http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck
This is a hilarious piece of writing with a lot of truth in it. This piece challenged me too - to be a writer or artist, in some way, you have to 'not give a fuck.' What if my ideas are weird? What if no one likes them? I put myself out on a limb...maybe it doesn't seem that scary because I'm not saying anything that crazy, but what is scary to me is that I believe in it SO much.
I write this blog in a much gentler voice than Mark Manson has - and the reason I do this, is not because I am a goody-goody or that I disagree with him. The reason I write this gently but also feel so passionately, is because I've seen a gorgeous world, but a world full of hurts and pain. In my experience, the world of healing is a world where we start by being kinder to ourselves - gentler with ourselves. Then, gentler, less judgmental, more big-hearted with those in our families and communities.
There's a place for challenge and there's a place for gentle and there's a place for gently challenging. That's why I learned this week that I might be blogging more often, but I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't.
Thank you for reading.
I think I took this challenge, because, like many writers, I often tell myself, "you should write more." And then, I don't do it. For me, this stems from my desire to write something that means something to somebody else besides me. I write because I like a good story. I write because I want to try to tell a good story - whether it's with a poem or with the blog or with my graphic novel (which means comic book, for those who have asked me whether I'm writing a sexually graphic novel. I am not. But I think it's fun that people might even think this about me!) If it's 'good' writing, that means something to me. If I am able to take a metaphor or current event or idea and tie it all these seemingly disparate pieces together - like Broadcast News and Imagine Dragons - that feels fun to me.
It's just so hard to get started and if it's not 'good' or as good as I want it to me, I am frustrated.
So this is my first lesson from the #day1 challenge: Stop trying to be so good and just write.
The second thing I learned is: Know why I'm writing. Am I writing for stats? Am I writing to get a book deal? Am I writing for 'likes on facebook?' Sure. But, also, no.
At the very core, I am writing because despite looking like a pretty regular midwest working mom, I've had a few extraordinary experiences. And because of these experiences, I have something that I think is worthwhile to share - whether that's with one person or one million.
Just today, my dear friend sent me this link: http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck
This is a hilarious piece of writing with a lot of truth in it. This piece challenged me too - to be a writer or artist, in some way, you have to 'not give a fuck.' What if my ideas are weird? What if no one likes them? I put myself out on a limb...maybe it doesn't seem that scary because I'm not saying anything that crazy, but what is scary to me is that I believe in it SO much.
I write this blog in a much gentler voice than Mark Manson has - and the reason I do this, is not because I am a goody-goody or that I disagree with him. The reason I write this gently but also feel so passionately, is because I've seen a gorgeous world, but a world full of hurts and pain. In my experience, the world of healing is a world where we start by being kinder to ourselves - gentler with ourselves. Then, gentler, less judgmental, more big-hearted with those in our families and communities.
There's a place for challenge and there's a place for gentle and there's a place for gently challenging. That's why I learned this week that I might be blogging more often, but I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't.
Thank you for reading.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
#day6 - where my demons hide
Having an 11 year old son, my life is full of an extraordinary number of poop, penis and passing gas 'jokes', if you can call them that. Almost anything in the world can be made into such a joke (note: watch Space Balls - get it, balls). So there's a fairly popular song by Imagine Dragons called "Demons" and because we often listen to pop music in the car and because my son often chooses to let loose with passing gas in the car, we have begun to associate the lyrics, "that's where my demons hide" with my son passing gas. It's a family song. We are wholesome like that.
Probably because this song, tune and lyrics are so catchy, I've found myself thinking what does this really mean? I can't believe it was the intent of the songwriters for the general public to abuse it's meaning in such a way as we do.
So today's #day6 entry is about what I consider one of my biggest demons - one thing I try to exorcise, but which seems to find new permutations in my life.
Have you ever seen the movie Broadcast News? This is a great movie and Joan Cusack has a hilarious scene where she's trying to get news copy to the news anchor within minutes of going live. The scene is called pushing. Here's a link: https://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=mcafee&type=B211US747D20140716&p=broadcast+news+scene+pushing
This is how I feel trying to get out the door in the morning. And there are occasional days where I feel this way much of the day (particularly around Christmas). My demon is overestimating my ability accomplish tasks, and underestimating the time I will have to relax when said tasks are done.
I see this in my daughter who does all her homework for the week on Monday. I was the exact same way - I liked to get my work done so I could play. The problem in adult life is that the work is never done. While you were getting some tasks done, more to do's were piling up. I have all the 'accomplishment' but none of the relaxation and play that I had up until age 22.
So here is something I'm trying. When I have my get out the door 'to do' list - whatever I think I can or should get done, I am mentally taking one thing off the list. Sometimes, it's as banal as, I'm not going to scoop the cat poop. When I am particularly "pushing" a la Broadcast News, I have to deliberately talk to myself and reassure myself : Katy, if the cat poop doesn't get scooped today, everything will be okay. Your house will not be condemned. There will not be a terrible, permeating smell of cat pee."
I know in lots of ways, I'm being silly about this, but I also want to say that we all have 'demons' - usually more than one. I think it fits in the category if it's something you consistently want to change and you know is inhibiting your quality of life, but you 'keep doing it.'
There's a story/myth that I think is Native American in origin about many animals trying to reach the Great Spirit on the Mountain. Unfortunately, a gigantic demon stood in the path and the animals were afraid to pass. But a small fawn approached the demon and said, "Please, I'd like to go see the Great Spirit." The demon instantly shrunk to a very small size and the fawn and all the other animals could pass.
Gentleness, often is the best remedy for our demons.
p.s. Mom, I changed my profile pic to a pic from Broadcast News. I'll change it back soon, I promise!
Probably because this song, tune and lyrics are so catchy, I've found myself thinking what does this really mean? I can't believe it was the intent of the songwriters for the general public to abuse it's meaning in such a way as we do.
So today's #day6 entry is about what I consider one of my biggest demons - one thing I try to exorcise, but which seems to find new permutations in my life.
Have you ever seen the movie Broadcast News? This is a great movie and Joan Cusack has a hilarious scene where she's trying to get news copy to the news anchor within minutes of going live. The scene is called pushing. Here's a link: https://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=mcafee&type=B211US747D20140716&p=broadcast+news+scene+pushing
This is how I feel trying to get out the door in the morning. And there are occasional days where I feel this way much of the day (particularly around Christmas). My demon is overestimating my ability accomplish tasks, and underestimating the time I will have to relax when said tasks are done.
I see this in my daughter who does all her homework for the week on Monday. I was the exact same way - I liked to get my work done so I could play. The problem in adult life is that the work is never done. While you were getting some tasks done, more to do's were piling up. I have all the 'accomplishment' but none of the relaxation and play that I had up until age 22.
So here is something I'm trying. When I have my get out the door 'to do' list - whatever I think I can or should get done, I am mentally taking one thing off the list. Sometimes, it's as banal as, I'm not going to scoop the cat poop. When I am particularly "pushing" a la Broadcast News, I have to deliberately talk to myself and reassure myself : Katy, if the cat poop doesn't get scooped today, everything will be okay. Your house will not be condemned. There will not be a terrible, permeating smell of cat pee."
I know in lots of ways, I'm being silly about this, but I also want to say that we all have 'demons' - usually more than one. I think it fits in the category if it's something you consistently want to change and you know is inhibiting your quality of life, but you 'keep doing it.'
There's a story/myth that I think is Native American in origin about many animals trying to reach the Great Spirit on the Mountain. Unfortunately, a gigantic demon stood in the path and the animals were afraid to pass. But a small fawn approached the demon and said, "Please, I'd like to go see the Great Spirit." The demon instantly shrunk to a very small size and the fawn and all the other animals could pass.
Gentleness, often is the best remedy for our demons.
p.s. Mom, I changed my profile pic to a pic from Broadcast News. I'll change it back soon, I promise!
Monday, January 19, 2015
#day5 - it's just simple...friends
When I began to blog again after my year or so off, I began by thinking about this theme in my life of 'bouncing' - my mom used to compare me with Tigger, who often bounced himself into situations that he didn't like half so much as he thought he would. And my dad has always compared me to the Unsinkable Molly Brown, who survived the sinking of the Titanic among other things. I guess that's a reverse bounce, right?
And I thought about how I do feel really resilient. I have a deep sense that I am not only okay, I'm good. And if I'm not good, I know I'm going to get good soon.
Recently, I wrote about how to keep it simple and take care of yourself after really bad life events -one little moment at a time. For me, it's helped to get in practice of checking in with my body...how does it feel? Am I enjoying my food? Am I getting enough sleep? Do I need to stretch? Do I need to be warmer, cooler, more comfortable?
But after taking care of your body, the other big, big thing I learned about bouncing is that you must have friends, cultivate friendship, cherish your friends, and give them a wide berth (because let's face it - we're not always perfect friends ourselves).
In bad times, my friends have made me dinners, called or texted me every day over months of time, they've given me Xanax that wasn't prescribed to me (just once), they've listened to me cry, they've laughed at weird SNL clips I've sent them, they've taken me into their homes when it wasn't convenient. So in some way, this blog post is to say THANK YOU, FRIENDS. Also, that's a thanks for just the bad times - the good times are the best - giggling our heads off at live theater, when it's really not appropriate, marching in Fourth of July parades, sharing dinners and concerts, and a love of Andrew Lloyd Weber. I could go on!
But, for the wider audience, I want to notice a couple things - first, I hear complaints from a variety of folks - 'this friend wasn't there for me as much as I wanted her to be', 'this friend only thinks about himself', this friend said she would do this or that and she didn't.' It's true - sometimes we can choose crummy friends. But I think more often than not we can remember that different friends are great at different things. Some friends are great with words. Some friends are great to laugh with, but can't be serious too easily. Some friends will come to your defense. Some friends always want to make peace.
My mom has been part of the same 'book club' for over 30 years (I use the term very loosely because I don't think they've read a book in 24 years). These friends have helped each other through divorce, moving, and deaths. We all need a book club like this.
So there you have it - my second big lesson in 'bouncing' - make friends, keep friends, be a friend. Love your friends. I know I do. From the bottom of my heart.
And I thought about how I do feel really resilient. I have a deep sense that I am not only okay, I'm good. And if I'm not good, I know I'm going to get good soon.
Recently, I wrote about how to keep it simple and take care of yourself after really bad life events -one little moment at a time. For me, it's helped to get in practice of checking in with my body...how does it feel? Am I enjoying my food? Am I getting enough sleep? Do I need to stretch? Do I need to be warmer, cooler, more comfortable?
But after taking care of your body, the other big, big thing I learned about bouncing is that you must have friends, cultivate friendship, cherish your friends, and give them a wide berth (because let's face it - we're not always perfect friends ourselves).
In bad times, my friends have made me dinners, called or texted me every day over months of time, they've given me Xanax that wasn't prescribed to me (just once), they've listened to me cry, they've laughed at weird SNL clips I've sent them, they've taken me into their homes when it wasn't convenient. So in some way, this blog post is to say THANK YOU, FRIENDS. Also, that's a thanks for just the bad times - the good times are the best - giggling our heads off at live theater, when it's really not appropriate, marching in Fourth of July parades, sharing dinners and concerts, and a love of Andrew Lloyd Weber. I could go on!
But, for the wider audience, I want to notice a couple things - first, I hear complaints from a variety of folks - 'this friend wasn't there for me as much as I wanted her to be', 'this friend only thinks about himself', this friend said she would do this or that and she didn't.' It's true - sometimes we can choose crummy friends. But I think more often than not we can remember that different friends are great at different things. Some friends are great with words. Some friends are great to laugh with, but can't be serious too easily. Some friends will come to your defense. Some friends always want to make peace.
My mom has been part of the same 'book club' for over 30 years (I use the term very loosely because I don't think they've read a book in 24 years). These friends have helped each other through divorce, moving, and deaths. We all need a book club like this.
So there you have it - my second big lesson in 'bouncing' - make friends, keep friends, be a friend. Love your friends. I know I do. From the bottom of my heart.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
#day4 - rebels, change-makers, big and small
This evening, for the first year in 11 that I have lived in my community, I took part in the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. events. My family and some dear family friends walked from City Hall to a local school, we ate dinner in community with our neighbors and we took part in a 'service' in the school auditorium that included music, theater, awards, prayers.
Since it's my family, of course there had to be some 'sidebar' discussion and disagreement. One theme, stated by one of the award-winning elementary school essayists was about starting change on a small scale. This young lady wrote, "What I can do to stop racism is I can set an example, because I want to make sure my brother as he gets older that he learns that what is inside matters and what is outside does not. And then, he will tell other people and it will become a chain." WOW! I totally agree.
Yet, my son (age 11), had to disagree and let me know during program. No, he said. Real change has to be big. It has to be laws and it has to be whole groups and organizations doing things differently. (Why haven't I been able to brainwash him more adequately?!?)
Interestingly, I listened to this being discussed on an On Being podcast recently: http://www.onbeing.org/program/parker-palmer-and-courtney-martin-the-inner-life-of-rebellion/7122
Two religious 'rebels' and social activists of two very different generations talked about the pitfalls of only thinking about change as meaningful if we 'change the world.'
Increasingly, I have to agree - this comes from my work and is illuminated for me again and again. Small changes are the 'chain.' In fact, there is nothing too small. Every time you or I act or speak out of thoughtfulness, rather than reactivity - that's a win on a universal level. Every time you or I choose kindness to ourselves and others over judgement - that is a cosmic triumph.
It also reminds me of It's A Wonderful Life, which we watched over the holidays. One person's life effects so many - don't underestimate the difference you make.
So, though I'm tempted to 'correct' my son or try to convince him of my opinion, I'm also aware that each of us comes to our own wisdom in life and his answers might be different from mine. My little piece of this chain is keeping my big mom mouth shut, and instead writing this blog.
Since it's my family, of course there had to be some 'sidebar' discussion and disagreement. One theme, stated by one of the award-winning elementary school essayists was about starting change on a small scale. This young lady wrote, "What I can do to stop racism is I can set an example, because I want to make sure my brother as he gets older that he learns that what is inside matters and what is outside does not. And then, he will tell other people and it will become a chain." WOW! I totally agree.
Yet, my son (age 11), had to disagree and let me know during program. No, he said. Real change has to be big. It has to be laws and it has to be whole groups and organizations doing things differently. (Why haven't I been able to brainwash him more adequately?!?)
Interestingly, I listened to this being discussed on an On Being podcast recently: http://www.onbeing.org/program/parker-palmer-and-courtney-martin-the-inner-life-of-rebellion/7122
Two religious 'rebels' and social activists of two very different generations talked about the pitfalls of only thinking about change as meaningful if we 'change the world.'
Increasingly, I have to agree - this comes from my work and is illuminated for me again and again. Small changes are the 'chain.' In fact, there is nothing too small. Every time you or I act or speak out of thoughtfulness, rather than reactivity - that's a win on a universal level. Every time you or I choose kindness to ourselves and others over judgement - that is a cosmic triumph.
It also reminds me of It's A Wonderful Life, which we watched over the holidays. One person's life effects so many - don't underestimate the difference you make.
So, though I'm tempted to 'correct' my son or try to convince him of my opinion, I'm also aware that each of us comes to our own wisdom in life and his answers might be different from mine. My little piece of this chain is keeping my big mom mouth shut, and instead writing this blog.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
#day3 - for my college friends to giggle: I am me, I am ok
Just thinking today about how many people I've worked with over the years who are embarrassed or even ashamed of who they used to be at some younger age. "I was a bully" or "I was a mean girl." "I was slutty." Or "I wasn't good to my mom and now she's gone." "I was drunk." "I lied." The list goes on and on.
I've been doing research into the relationship between humor, play and grief and it reminds me of something I found recently:
I've been doing research into the relationship between humor, play and grief and it reminds me of something I found recently:
Isn't Calvin the best? Sometimes we are all like this - not accepting the past, and trying to change anything and everything out of our sheer will for control, and not seeing the reality that we're in.
I'd like to propose that if you have a version of yourself from your past (even if it was yesterday), that you're not proud of - try to use a lighter touch with yourself. I remember when I moved to DC after college and started wearing a lot of black and feeling I was very sophisticated, I became embarrassed of the Midwestern version of myself who wore Christmas sweatshirts and had a Virginia Satir poster on my college dorm wall (my East coast self thought that was WAY too sentimental). Then, I got older and became embarrassed of the posturing young adult who had to wear black to prove she was cool. Now, I like both those girls. They were doing their best to figure out "who am I?"
I hope that you can go easy on you. You may just have been trying to figure out who you were too.
Since I have no pretense of being cool anymore. For your pleasure and in the immortal words of Virginia Satir
I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it – I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.
I am me, and I am Okay.
From Self Esteem by Virginia Satir
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