Thelma & Louise: a couple of good women

I grew up in the midwest United States with fairly liberal, but traditional values about gender roles, manners, and the way good people (women, in particular) present themselves publicly.  These values were reinforced by my schooling at a southern university.  At Vanderbilt, for example, at the time I attended, the 'norm' was for women to be invited on dates to the football games.  If you went on a football date, you wore a church dress and pantyhose and lipstick.  In general, like all of us, I soaked in many messages from my infancy through age 19 or so about how/what 'good girls' are and do.

The first message:  It's good to be good.  Now, I'm not talking about being morally/ethically/spiritually 'good' when I say this.  I'm talking more about good appearances.  So, it goes on from there:  Good girls are polite.  Good girls don't cause problems.  Good girls aren't cynical about people.  Good girls maintain an outward naivete about sex and gender relations. 

I read on Yahoo last week that it's the 20th anniversary of the movie, Thelma & Louise.  Hurray, Thelma & Louise!  Seeing that movie was formative for me, because it expanded some questions and ideas I was beginning to explore about the merits of being a "good girl." 

First, what does it mean for any of us to be 'good' - whether you're a woman or a man?  Whose definition of good is it?

To me, being good, even in outward appearance, is being a three-dimensional person and being insistent that you treat yourself this way and are treated by those around you this way.  It's about valuing yourself and others for their complexity.  An easy example of this (and one demonstrated in Thelma & Louise) is the harm to all women when some women are seen as body parts. ("He called us beavers on his CB radio!")  Objectification isn't just strippers and porn stars - it can also be the 'object' of a 'good girl' who isn't allowed or doesn't allow herself to express anything and everything from dislike to anger to sexuality.  This can cross gender lines the opposite way too - women who see men as a means to financial gain/lifestyle/status.  It does not serve a deeper version of goodness when we see and treat one another this way. 

Being 'good', in a deeper version of goodness is also, to me, not being afraid of your own power.  We are all stronger than we know and are worthy of interacting with the world in a confident way. 

Being 'good' in a three-dimensional way does not exclude courtesy, but values truth as much as courtesy.  I believe we can say anything, but we have a responsibility in how we say it.

I love Thelma & Louise because, through the art of movies, I got to see a different way of being a woman. I'm not talking about the end - I'm talking about the way a character in a book or movie, or even the 'voice' of a song or poem, can free you.  If we want, we can throw our pantyhose away!  We don't have to like everyone we meet.   We can know certain things are unfair and speak up about it.  

We can define being good in our own way - in fact, we have the responsibility to do so.

some things I've learned

Now, for something a little different.  Some things I've learned about life and people so far (and subject to change, I might add...):

1) Don't make decisions out of fear.  I've never made a good decision primarily motivated by fear and I haven't observed this to work for others, either. 

2) No matter what people say, they usually DO what they want.  If you're confused by someone, pay attention to their actions, not their words.

3) You can't make someone else change.  You can change your reaction to that person.

4) Most people are doing their best most of the time.

5) It's not about me.  In both good and bad, we tend to take overly much credit or overly much guilt/shame.  We benefit from putting ourselves in a more realistic perspective. 

6)  It is important to be careful with our words.  We probably heard this from someone when we were kids - think before you speak.

7) Try to find a vocation you like.  We spend a lot of time working, so it's better to like what you do.  Encourage your kids to study what they enjoy and find a way to make a vocation of it.

8)  Shame and secrets are destructive forces.  Keep pushing for honesty with yourself and judicious honesty with others.  When we are open, we find that much of what we were ashamed of isn't nearly as powerful as we thought.

9) Listen and pay attention to older people.  In our culture, which so values youth, we are missing out on much more interesting people.

10) In the scope of creation, we are little and there is much that is mysterious.   There is almost always a choice- choose love and compassion. 

That's it for the week.  I hope you have a good one. 

can justice ever look like forgiveness?

Last month was National Poetry Month, and my mind was preoccupied with a talk I gave on April 30 for the Greater St. Louis Hospice Organization's Volunteer Symposium on the Poetry of Hospice. I tried to blog about the process of putting this talk together, but instead of focusing me on what I wanted to say, I felt overwhelmed.  So, that's one of the main reasons I wasn't keeping up with the blog.   If you'd like more information on volunteering with any hospice, you could check out http://www.gslho.org/ or any local hospice group. 

Now.  Thinking about Osama bin Laden's death.  I wrote the beginning of what I think is a poem last night:  I stumbled on forgiveness like a gift I didn't want.  Here is what confuses me:  is it important to delineate between small scale hate, like bullying and large scale hate, like what has been perpetrated by Osama bin Laden?  I can forgive on the small scale.  In fact, in my own life, I have forgiven a number of transgressions.  Sometimes I've talked to the person who I felt wronged me, sometimes, the forgiveness was something internal.  Sometimes, I didn't even want to forgive - I even enjoyed holding onto my anger like a little souvenir from being wronged and it gave me a 'superiority' to know that I had been wronged.  But.  Over time, holding onto that anger was a waste of my energy.  The anger dissipated.  I realized that most people in our own little lives are not trying to, are not purposefully hurting us.  They are just living their lives.  Most people hurt us in ignorance, or out of the inability to get out of their own point of view, but they are not usually hurting us out of maliciousness.  What's the point in holding onto that anger or rage? 

But hate, evil, transgressions on a large scale...can that be forgiven?  Should it be forgiven?  If it is forgiven where is the justice?  I had several hospice patients who were Holocaust survivors.  Certainly, all their lives were shaped by that unimaginable experience.  But they each had a unique attitude toward it:  one man told me he "didn't go in for all this forgiveness business."   One woman said there was nothing special about her survival, only pure luck.  One woman espoused New Age philosphy/spirituality.  I think about Elie Wiesel and the great good he brings to the world through his memory and testament to the Jewish people, persecuted people everywhere and any person in despair.  Reading him, I am struck not by his damning of those who caused his suffering, but his commitment to and love of his fellow man. 

I don't know the answers here. I am challenged.  I know that forgiveness has been a good, freeing part of my own little life.  I think I am able to see  more objectively how others interact w/ me and my influence on others.  I feel a greater compassion and my own world is a  less threatening place.

On the global scale, it seems clear that some do have malicious intent toward us.  What is the ethically/morally correct response to this?  It is my gut feeling that more death and killing is not the best response, but if not that, then what?

It's very unsatisfying, but I don't have a way to wrap this up.  I would just like to raise the question(s) and continue to be a voice that is not afraid of not knowing.  A voice, that I hope without naivete or ignorance, can ponder words, ideas and feelings like Love and Forgiveness.

where am I/Happy Easter

Hi everyone - as you may have noticed, I'm taking a few weeks off.  Little time to write right now, but I'll be back in May.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.  Happy Easter!

finding a therapist, doctor, etc. - the je nais sais quoi factor

I recently heard a story on NPR about the admissions process for elite colleges like Amherst.  I have to admit that the process of sitting around a table and picking apart the resumes of stellar students sounded excruciating and, in the end the folks on the admissions panel seemed to indicate that it all comes down to the "je nais sais quoi" factor.  Not to dumb down the blog, but I am the same woman who thought "Voila!" was pronounce "Viola" until age 30.  So, for anyone who might not know, "je nais sais quoi" is roughly translated to:  "I don't know".  The implication being that there is some intangible quality to the person - in the case of getting in to Amherst, a positive, intangible quality.

There have been a couple other instances that have come up in my life recently, which have made me think about the influence of the je nais sais quoi factor. I just had the privilege of being with someone I care about during an important doctor's appointment.  In many research hospitals, resident doctors often precede the 'real' doctor in consulting with the patient, and this was the case that I witnessed.  The resident and the presiding doctor had very different bedside manners.  One was high energy, fast-talking, and used some humor.  The other was quiet, slow-speaking and rather introspective.  The person I was with and I walked away with totally different impressions on which doctor we preferred.  For each of us, there was the je nais sais quoi factor, but what informed that was as unique as we are from one another. 

I've also been asked recently to assist several folks with connecting with therapists (other than myself).  People ask me - what should I look for?  how will I know if it's a good therapist?  Yikes!!!  So, for whatever it's worth, I'll mention a couple ideas and resources:  in this information age, it's pretty easy to find out some preliminary information about therapists in your area.  I belong to an organization called Psychotherapy St. Louis (http://www.psychotherapystlouis.com/)  You can search that website for many different characteristics of a therapist, gender, location, office hours, specialties.  You can see the therapists' picture even, or link to their own website if they have one.  There's also http://www.find-a-therapist.com/  Again, you can search for area of town, degree held, etc.  There are many more resources like these.  So, that covers the tangible qualities.  If you have been to a therapist, or been on a search for the 'right' therapist, you will also know that it also comes down to the je nais sais quoi factor. 

When my folks got divorced when I was in my early 20s, I found it helpful to go to a therapist myself.  I actually went to two therapists.  Both very nice ladies.  The second one was a better fit for me.  If I had to define it, I would say that she used more humor and that she was a little more challenging of me.  Even 15 years later, I'd say there was also an intangible quality to what made my second therapist feel more helpful and I realize that (just like the doctor's appt I mentioned earlier) a different person might not have found my therapist nearly as supportive and helpful as I did. 

So, whether you're looking for a therapist, a doctor or whatever - I think it's okay to think like a consumer.  You're paying for it -  whether with money or time and it's human nature to be more invested in the process of working on physical and mental health, when you have a feeling of trust and acceptance - a general liking of the person you are looking to to provide some direction.

some ideas about our inner adolescent

I've been handing out an article from last month's Shambhala Sun, by Thic Nhat Hanh, How to Heal the Wounded Child Within Us.  It's a great article and I hope you don't think I'm too weird when I say - I love that Thic Nhat Hanh and wish I could give him a hug every time I read something he's written. 

Though sometimes the words "inner child" make me giggle in a sophomoric, sitting in the back of the class way, I have come to believe there is really something important for many adults in trying to be kind and gentle with themselves in a way that a good parent would be kind and gentle with a child. 

But this blogpost isn't about the Inner Child.  It's about the sophomoric, sitting in the back of the class voice that I (so originally) call the Inner Adolescent.  If the primary developmental task of adolescence is to create a stable identity, the Inner Adolescent is the part of us that gets triggered out of our adult identity.  It is a poseur identity that looks strong on the outside, but the inside is insecure.  When we act or talk from our Inner Adolescent we act and talk in ways that aren't necessarily congruent with what we say we believe and how we want to act in the world. 

Though I have been known to indulge in watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a great part of the 'pleasure' in it is seeing grown women behave like catty, backstabbing teens.  The part of us that gossips about others (even if we justify to ourselves that we're not gossiping), the part of us that makes quick judgments on the behavior of others, the part of us that is righteously indignant for reasons that can be as personal as someone not inviting our child to a birthday party or as impersonal as an editorial in the New York Times - this is our Inner Adolescent.  Even watching the stinking Real Housewives is a way of 'taking care' of my own Inner Adolescent. 

I'm going to posit that, like the Inner Child, we need to take care of our Inner Adolescent and not just try to squash her down without paying attention to what she (or he) is trying to tell us.  (This doesn't mean we should consistently act from her/his gut instinct.)

Why do we have an impulse to gossip, to judge, to rage? 

The answer may be different for everyone, but I think it's worth looking at places in us where our identity feels unstable, people we may spend time with who trigger old feelings of wanting to be liked or at least measure up. 

When I think about my teen years, I remember worrying so much about my hair.  It needed to be big, very big.  Having a "bad hair" day could effect my mood (I'm even laughing as I write it).  I remember finally realizing that all the other girls were so worried about their own hair that they really weren't paying attention to mine. 

So, I go forth today, feeling good about my hair (grays and all) and grateful for the things I continue to learn from my Inner Adolescent, that wide-eyed good girl with the secret urge to do something rebellious, like be a poet. 

anxious? what to do/not do

In the past month or so, my son taught himself to play chess, which I thought was really cool since I've said for about 20 years, 'I should really learn how to play chess,' but I've never done it.  So, he dug up a chess board from the basement, read some directions from the Dangerous Book for Boys and now we have a new pasttime in the family (I've since learned how to play, too).  We found out about a great place in St. Louis, The St. Louis Chess Club, http://www.stlouischessclub.org/ and told him we'd take him.  On the afternoon we were supposed to visit for the first time, he threw his dessert from lunch in the trash - unheard of!  'What's the matter?' I asked.  'I'm too anxious to eat it.' he said.  'Anxious?' I asked - his seven year old self using the word anxious  made me anxious.  'Mom, there are three types of anxious - nervous, excited and worried.  I'm excited.'  Yeah, of course. 

It's true what he said.  I looked it up in the Oxford English Dictionary.  As I observe it, the older we get, the less anxiety we have that feels 'excited.'  We tend to lump it in with worried and nervous and it can grow to low level panic. 

So, here are some thoughts about anxiety and coping:  In my life and in my work I observe there are a couple ways people tend to cope with anxiety - 1) overfunction, 2) underfunction.  I am a classic overfunctioner.  Just at the moment I am feeling overwhelmed by things like raising small children, running my own business, taking care of a sick relative, and serving in some kind of church leadership role (you can tell this is just a made up scenario, right?!), that's when I decide is the best moment to finally put a poetry manuscript together.  That's so sensible.   I have admiration for people who are underfunctioners, though this gets them in trouble too (I hear) - when life places too many demands, they get caught up in a CSI marathon or realize that they really NEED 10 hours of sleep a night.  Obviously, many people are some combination - overfunction in their home life, for example ('the entire house must be clean RIGHT NOW!!!) and underfunction in their work life, etc.

I've become a big advocate of trying something different or even the opposite of what you'd normally do.  No matter how 'anxious' it makes you.  If you are feeling anxious and have the urge to sign up for a new spinning class, maybe make a deal with yourself to hold off on that urge for a week.  Try sitting down and reading a book.  If you are overwhelmed and feel like you just need to come home and take a nap after work, call a friend to go on a walk instead.  It will feel very weird at first to do or not do something different than usual, but I think it's worth it.

On a note not totally unrelated to anxiety, but also I more founded in reality and compassion, I want to acknowledge that many of us are thinking of the people of Japan and, whether we are consider ourselves religious/spiritual or not, we are holding them in our thoughts, hoping for the courage and wisdom of our leaders to help guide the efforts to alleviate suffering there.