can we prove heaven and why do we want to?

It is 2004 and I am relatively early in my work as a hospice social worker.  I have one young child - about a year old.   One of my patients is also a mother.  She is 43 and a Bosnian Muslim refugee.  She is dying of cancer and being taken care of by her two teenage kids and whatever neighbors from the Bosnian community could help out. She is divorced. In Bosnia, she'd been a teacher, but in the U.S., she's not been able to get a job above minimum wage.  The family is poor.  Though her English is spotty, her oldest daughter helps translate.

Despite the language barrier, my patient and I connect over being mothers.  She asks to see a picture of my son (which, I happen to carry with me - this is before iphones).  She holds the picture, gazes at it and much to my surprise, she kisses my son's face in the picture!  It's such a sweet and tender gesture.  The kind of thing mothers everywhere can understand, as if every little child were your little child and you could love every single one of them with your whole self. 

On another occasion, she asks her daughter to fetch her her orange sweatshirt.  She hands it to me and speaks, but not in  English.  Her daughter translates: "She wants you to have it.  She thinks the color will look pretty on you."  "No, I can't take that," I say.  She insists.  I see that it will be an insult to her if I don't accept, so I do, and I thank her.  As the daughter walks me to the door that day, I hand the sweatshirt back to her - "I am so honored, but I just can't take this."  They have so little in the way of possessions.  I feel I could never be worthy enough of this gift she has given me. 

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I recently finished Proof of Heaven, by Dr. Even Alexander, a neurosurgeon who writes of his transformation from agnostic scientist into an advocate and educator about life after death because of his personal 'death' and resurrection after a massive brain infection.  It's a very popular book right now, probably because it is not the 'typical' near death experience that focuses specifically on Jesus or Christianity, but represents an afterlife that is characterized by spirits and Loving Presence that don't represent one religion in particular.

As a grief therapist, I listen daily to the stories of the mysteries of life and death.   Do I think that many of our human anxieties and ills are rooted in grief and/or anxiety about our fears of our own death or not being able to touch and hold people we love who have died?  Absolutely.

The more time goes on, the more I am convinced that we are asking ourselves the wrong question.  I don't think the helpful question is, "Is there life after death?"  Or even, "is there proof of a loving God?"

The lady I described above gave me little glimpses of what I would call 'Holy'.  There is Goodness, Generosity, Abundance, and Love even in the midst of sorrow and tragedy.  It is yours not only to receive, but to give to others.  When you look for ways to give and receive these gifts, you may find, as I have found, that while there is a lot of the universe I don't understand, I can name this giving and receiving Heaven or God or Love or Beauty or not.  It's not the naming, but the experiencing and that's all the proof of anything that I need.

anxious? what to do/not do

In the past month or so, my son taught himself to play chess, which I thought was really cool since I've said for about 20 years, 'I should really learn how to play chess,' but I've never done it.  So, he dug up a chess board from the basement, read some directions from the Dangerous Book for Boys and now we have a new pasttime in the family (I've since learned how to play, too).  We found out about a great place in St. Louis, The St. Louis Chess Club, http://www.stlouischessclub.org/ and told him we'd take him.  On the afternoon we were supposed to visit for the first time, he threw his dessert from lunch in the trash - unheard of!  'What's the matter?' I asked.  'I'm too anxious to eat it.' he said.  'Anxious?' I asked - his seven year old self using the word anxious  made me anxious.  'Mom, there are three types of anxious - nervous, excited and worried.  I'm excited.'  Yeah, of course. 

It's true what he said.  I looked it up in the Oxford English Dictionary.  As I observe it, the older we get, the less anxiety we have that feels 'excited.'  We tend to lump it in with worried and nervous and it can grow to low level panic. 

So, here are some thoughts about anxiety and coping:  In my life and in my work I observe there are a couple ways people tend to cope with anxiety - 1) overfunction, 2) underfunction.  I am a classic overfunctioner.  Just at the moment I am feeling overwhelmed by things like raising small children, running my own business, taking care of a sick relative, and serving in some kind of church leadership role (you can tell this is just a made up scenario, right?!), that's when I decide is the best moment to finally put a poetry manuscript together.  That's so sensible.   I have admiration for people who are underfunctioners, though this gets them in trouble too (I hear) - when life places too many demands, they get caught up in a CSI marathon or realize that they really NEED 10 hours of sleep a night.  Obviously, many people are some combination - overfunction in their home life, for example ('the entire house must be clean RIGHT NOW!!!) and underfunction in their work life, etc.

I've become a big advocate of trying something different or even the opposite of what you'd normally do.  No matter how 'anxious' it makes you.  If you are feeling anxious and have the urge to sign up for a new spinning class, maybe make a deal with yourself to hold off on that urge for a week.  Try sitting down and reading a book.  If you are overwhelmed and feel like you just need to come home and take a nap after work, call a friend to go on a walk instead.  It will feel very weird at first to do or not do something different than usual, but I think it's worth it.

On a note not totally unrelated to anxiety, but also I more founded in reality and compassion, I want to acknowledge that many of us are thinking of the people of Japan and, whether we are consider ourselves religious/spiritual or not, we are holding them in our thoughts, hoping for the courage and wisdom of our leaders to help guide the efforts to alleviate suffering there.