Changing your strategy

I'm going to share a little bit about my eight year old boy.  First, I'll tell a couple things I enjoy immensely about him, then I'll tell a story that is specific to him, but also universal to all of us at one time or another.

The boy is funny, but he doesn't share that with everyone.  He's not like a comedian.  He's also rather shy.  So you have to know him pretty well to be privy to his sense of humor.  The other day at dinner he looks over at me and says,  "Mom.  Have you ever thought about your job?
"What do you mean?"  I say.

"You're a psycho.  Therapist.  Psycho.  Therapist.  You are a cuckoo therapist!"  Well, I am glad we all know were we stand in my family and yes, I had actually thought about what a funny word "psychotherapist" is.

Another funny thing recently...I'm in the basement doing laundry and I hear him shouting "Mom, come up here - you're going to think this is hilarious!"  

I come up and he's lying on the bed with his Calivin and Hobbes Book (It's  a Magical World, I think).  "Look at this one," he says.

It's one-frame and shows Calvin and Hobbes looking at a snowman that has a hot water bottle on its head.  Hobbes says, "Why does that snowman have a hot water bottle on its head?"  Calvin answers, "He's committing suicide."

Okay, so it's a little dark.  Actually, I like that we can share Calvin and Hobbes, which I've always loved, as well as a general sense of humor.

So, now I'll tell you that my son picked up chess in the past eight months.  He taught himself to play by reading The Dangerous Book for Boys, and dug up a chess board that was packed away in the basement.  My husband and I were kind of delighted - chess is fun for adults (unlike, some other board games) and an adult and child can be equally skilled. 

The boy entered his first amateur chess tournament the other weekend.  As we drove over to the St. Louis Chess Club, he says, "Mom.  I know my strategy.  I'm going to play Hyper-Aggressive.  Not a lot of people know how to handle Hyper-Aggressive."

I think to myself,  "Here we go." But, I say something profound like "Oh."

God love my son, but he did not deviate from that Hyper-Aggressive strategy (and though I've never been an 8 year old boy, I can really feel that Hyper-Aggressive would feel like THE right strategy to an 8 year old boy).  So, in four rounds he lost three and had a stalemate in one. 

I love that my kid remains optimistic throughout the process.  After each game, he'd look at me and say, "I still have another chance to win!"

We even left the chess club with a participation medal and got into the car, where he indeed, got upset about the losses. 

I am not just saying this to be politically correct:  I really don't really care if he wins or loses as long as he has fun.  I am pretty emotionally detached from the win/lose process in any sport or game as far as my kids go.  Yet I won't say this wasn't a stressful moment for both of us.  I tried simply acknowledging how I could understand he was disappointed, but this didn't seem to be that helpful and maybe even escalated him. 

Finally, what I said (okay, yelled), was "Honey, you had one strategy and you never changed it, even though you had evidence that it wasn't working.  There are so many strategies in chess - why don't you pick another one and just try that and see what happens.  If that doesn't work, find another strategy and see what happens.  One of them will be a winning strategy."

I'm not sure if it took, but it occurred to me as the words were coming out of my mouth that the "stick with the strategy" mindset is a hinderance to many of us in many areas of our life.  How many times do we keep trying the same strategy with a boss, a spouse, a parent, a career, a course of study, a life's ambition, a house project?  Even when all the evidence says it's not working, we don't want to stop.

When I was telling the story of my son and the chess tournament to my friend, Jen, she said something like, "yeah, I think sometimes we blame our execution of the strategy and think if we just do more of the strategy that will change to outcome."

Sometimes, we don't give up our strategy as a matter of pride.  Sometimes we don't give up our strategy because we don't know other strategies.

If we're stuck in life or not getting the results we want in a certain area, I recommend letting up a little, making room a little, trying something different.  Why not?  If we're not getting the result we want anyway, what do we have to lose?

anxious? what to do/not do

In the past month or so, my son taught himself to play chess, which I thought was really cool since I've said for about 20 years, 'I should really learn how to play chess,' but I've never done it.  So, he dug up a chess board from the basement, read some directions from the Dangerous Book for Boys and now we have a new pasttime in the family (I've since learned how to play, too).  We found out about a great place in St. Louis, The St. Louis Chess Club, http://www.stlouischessclub.org/ and told him we'd take him.  On the afternoon we were supposed to visit for the first time, he threw his dessert from lunch in the trash - unheard of!  'What's the matter?' I asked.  'I'm too anxious to eat it.' he said.  'Anxious?' I asked - his seven year old self using the word anxious  made me anxious.  'Mom, there are three types of anxious - nervous, excited and worried.  I'm excited.'  Yeah, of course. 

It's true what he said.  I looked it up in the Oxford English Dictionary.  As I observe it, the older we get, the less anxiety we have that feels 'excited.'  We tend to lump it in with worried and nervous and it can grow to low level panic. 

So, here are some thoughts about anxiety and coping:  In my life and in my work I observe there are a couple ways people tend to cope with anxiety - 1) overfunction, 2) underfunction.  I am a classic overfunctioner.  Just at the moment I am feeling overwhelmed by things like raising small children, running my own business, taking care of a sick relative, and serving in some kind of church leadership role (you can tell this is just a made up scenario, right?!), that's when I decide is the best moment to finally put a poetry manuscript together.  That's so sensible.   I have admiration for people who are underfunctioners, though this gets them in trouble too (I hear) - when life places too many demands, they get caught up in a CSI marathon or realize that they really NEED 10 hours of sleep a night.  Obviously, many people are some combination - overfunction in their home life, for example ('the entire house must be clean RIGHT NOW!!!) and underfunction in their work life, etc.

I've become a big advocate of trying something different or even the opposite of what you'd normally do.  No matter how 'anxious' it makes you.  If you are feeling anxious and have the urge to sign up for a new spinning class, maybe make a deal with yourself to hold off on that urge for a week.  Try sitting down and reading a book.  If you are overwhelmed and feel like you just need to come home and take a nap after work, call a friend to go on a walk instead.  It will feel very weird at first to do or not do something different than usual, but I think it's worth it.

On a note not totally unrelated to anxiety, but also I more founded in reality and compassion, I want to acknowledge that many of us are thinking of the people of Japan and, whether we are consider ourselves religious/spiritual or not, we are holding them in our thoughts, hoping for the courage and wisdom of our leaders to help guide the efforts to alleviate suffering there.