assertiveness for kids and adults

I haven't written for awhile and am feeling frustrated with myself about it.  It's not that I haven't been inspired or touched.  It's not that I haven't been sad or angry or joyful.  It's not that I haven't been creative.

I've been living my life, which in the past month has included the death of a friend from high school. Reconnecting with an old friend from high school.  Trying to reignite my poetry mind and writing poetry about housework (of all things), giving a presentation that I started out very apprehensive about (it went great!), and being a wife, mother, friend and daughter.  A buyer of birthday presents and planner of birthday parties, a Target shopper and meal planner.  A therapist.  A media consumer.  And probably 50 other things I'm forgetting.

But I know that if I don't write a blog, it's going to hang over me.  So I'm going to start simple with what's right in front of me this week and here's the theme:  learning to be assertive and teaching our kids assertiveness.

Two different people in my life in the past two days have told me stories about four different children they know who are being bullied and/or harassed at school.  The kids range in age from first grade through high school.   For all these kids (the ones being bullied) - the question I am being asked, I assume because I am a therapist, is, 'how do we empower them? ' 'how do we help them find their voice?'

I love these questions, and it makes me wonder - what does it even mean to 'have a voice.'  I could probably wax on in a number of philosophical ways about this, but what I think might be more effective and simpler is to tell you what one of my best friends said.  And the reason I listen to this friend is because she comes from a paternal line of straightforwardness that might make some people's toes curl, but which has enabled her to be one of the best managers I've ever heard of in an industry known for it's eccentric (to say the least) characters (restaurant).

So what does said friend say about finding your voice?

"It's nothing personal, but don't touch me again."
"I've got nothing against you, but that's my seat.  Get out."

I could extrapolate this out to adult life to:

"It's nothing personal, but I can't talk now."
"No, I can't do that."
"That won't work for me."
"I'm leaving now.   I'm willing to talk when you calm down."
"No."

So, I'm the first one to say, there are nuances.  There are times when it's good to push our boundaries or to say, yes.  I'm not talking about these times.  I'm talking about the times when we know.  When our kids know.  When we are being taken advantage of physically, mentally or emotionally.

Finding your voice and being assertive is being okay with someone else's discomfort.  Why are we all so worried if someone else is uncomfortable?  I believe we mistake hurting someone's feelings with making them uncomfortable.  We also want to avoid our discomfort at their discomfort.  It's hard for us 'nice guys' to think - 'I caused that.'

But what if we stopped distracting ourselves by thinking that we are hurting their feelings?  What if we stopped taking responsibility for other people's discomfort?  They can deal with their discomfort just like we deal with our own discomfort.  Maybe they won't be uncomfortable, but they'll just leave us alone knowing we stand tall, look them in the eye and say, unflinchingly, NO.