the Doing Cure

The Talking Cure is a term coined, according to Wikipedia, in the 1800s by a lady who was cured of her 'hysteria' by talking with a therapist.  For all the merits of talking, a meaningful life must also have some Doing in it.  A lot of times we don't 'DO' because we've told ourselves we must do something Big and Important.  Maybe we got that message from our parents. Maybe we got it from TV.  Maybe we made it up ourselves because we have a wish to be Big and Important.

Here are two people, with outward similarities, who have Done or Are Doing, 'small' things that, I believe, are meaningful in Big and Surprising ways because they connect people with one another and with a sense of joy and love.  The first is Larry Selman, who's obituary appeared in yesterday's New York Times, http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/25/nyregion/larry-selman-a-shepherd-of-greenwich-village-dies-at-70.html?ref=obituaries&_r=0  He was a someone well known in his neighborhood of Greenwich Village because of his "prodigious work as a neighborhood fund-raiser. From 1970 until his death he collected more than $300,000 by some estimates — from people he approached in the Village, one at a time, requesting donations of $1 and $2 each. He collected money for St. Vincent’s Hospital, the families of Sept. 11 victims, Muscular Dystrophy research, AIDS research, Kiwanis International projects and animal rescue groups, among others."  Mr. Selman also happened to have an IQ of 62 and after losing both his parent in the 1960s worked very hard with the help of his uncle to live independently throughout his life.  If you have the chance to read his obituary, something I admired about him is the way he brought his neighborhood together and helped people feel connected with one another and with him.

My second 'Do-er' is Grace, who, with her family have adopted a bus stop in Glendale, Missouri.  That's right.  A bus stop.  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Graces-Glendale-Bus-Stop/116072348526169  If you haven't seen it or live outside of St. Louis, you should check out her facebook page.  It is such a treat to drive by and wonder what she is going to do next, how she is going to celebrate a holiday, or honor an occasion.  Driving by and seeing her latest 'I Too Have a Dream' in honor of MLK Day was a moment of joy and inspiration for me.  Grace also connects people with one another, gives them a sense of community, joy, and play.

Here is something I believe:  You can DO something loving, joyful and inspired even in the midst of the rest of your life, which might feel at times sad, hard or stuck.  Just choose a little thing and do it.  It takes courage, but if you look around, you will find so many inspiring people who have had courage before you.  It will be the cure for what ails you and maybe help somebody else along the way.

Beyond 'Girls' and Boys

With the return of HBO’s hit series, Girls, I’ve recently read an onslaught of  newspaper and magazine pieces speculating about dating, sex, and gender issues in the lives of 20-somethings.  I guess we’re supposed to find them endlessly fascinating.  It’s especially curious, because I’m reading these articles in the New York Times and the New Yorker, places that I am sure have a median age readership far older than 24 years.  So, I find myself more concerned with older people and our obsession with youth than I am about ‘hook up culture’ and what it means for dating.

I am a middle aged person, more or less, and this is what I’d like to say to us:   we would do better not to think about the Girls and Boys so much.  If you want to get older and enjoy yourself, start thinking about and spending time with older people.  Instead of looking at where you’ve already been, start thinking about where you’re going and who you might want to be when you get there. 

This can work in two helpful ways.  It can help show you what you don’t want to be and it can help point you in the direction of what and who you DO want to be. 

The first time I became fully aware of the “Don’t Want To Be” category of  older people was when I lived and worked in Washington, D.C. I was in my early 20s.  It was a high pressure/low pay job, though my superiors were very well paid, and growing more well-paid every year (the dot com years!).  People who were ‘old’ to me then, ranged in the ages from 35 to 50.  Not all, but more than several really struggled mentally and emotionally with the stress of their lives and balancing work   and family.  I remember working on a particular Saturday at my ‘cube’, when a project manager, who was probably 35 to 40 came to me crying.  “Will you talk to my husband on the phone?” she asked.  “He doesn’t believe me about how stressful this is.  He doesn’t understand how mean our boss can be.  Will you tell him?”  I did NOT want to be this person in ten years!  I began to examine the contributing factors to the panic and neuroses  around me.  I began to envision my life going in a different direction than the direction I seemed headed.

Conversely, I have had the opportunity in the past ten years to be around some vibrant, curious, wise older people, who have ranged in age from 50 to 95 years old.  Not only have I had friendships and mentoring relationships with some, some I have had the privilege to be with as a hospice worker or therapist.  When I am with an older person, I listen carefully.  Here are some characteristics I notice in people who age with grace and complexity: 

1)      They take risks – they take classes or travel or try new hobbies

2)      They find the humor in life and in themselves

3)      They are flexible with their time and flexible with their minds.  They don’t get stuck in one way of thinking, but continue to learn

4)      They stay curious about the world and show an interest in things that are ageless – music, art, reading, politics

5)      They have friendships with people of different ages

6)      They accept their age and don’t try to be younger (is it self-serving to say that I think dying the grey out of your hair is okay?!)

7)      They balance quiet time with activity.

I’ve heard, that when you’re mountain biking, you need to look at where you want to go, not where you don’t want to go.  Don’t look at the big boulder that you're trying to avoid, look at the smooth path you want your bike to follow. 

Our individual and collective mental health would benefit from valuing and thinking about age at least as much as youth.  I'd like to see some more articles in the New Yorker about that.  

Spirituality & Practice: Book Excerpt: The Road of the Heart's Desire, by John S. Dunne

I don't usually post without a pretty lengthy narrative, but I don't think I have one today, other than this:

A dear lady I know shared a resource with me,  a website called "Spirituality and Practice."  It's kind of a great stew of information, inspiration, and education.  I don't check daily, though I check once or twice a week - this is today's daily inspirational reading - I just loved it and wanted to post it.  Maybe I'll write a bit more on it when I have time, but for now I hope you get a little something from it too.  If you tend to think of life as a story, and find that you maybe live at least a quarter way in your imagination, you might particularly enjoy it. 

Spirituality & Practice: Book Excerpt: The Road of the Heart's Desire, by John S. Dunne