Beyond 'Girls' and Boys

With the return of HBO’s hit series, Girls, I’ve recently read an onslaught of  newspaper and magazine pieces speculating about dating, sex, and gender issues in the lives of 20-somethings.  I guess we’re supposed to find them endlessly fascinating.  It’s especially curious, because I’m reading these articles in the New York Times and the New Yorker, places that I am sure have a median age readership far older than 24 years.  So, I find myself more concerned with older people and our obsession with youth than I am about ‘hook up culture’ and what it means for dating.

I am a middle aged person, more or less, and this is what I’d like to say to us:   we would do better not to think about the Girls and Boys so much.  If you want to get older and enjoy yourself, start thinking about and spending time with older people.  Instead of looking at where you’ve already been, start thinking about where you’re going and who you might want to be when you get there. 

This can work in two helpful ways.  It can help show you what you don’t want to be and it can help point you in the direction of what and who you DO want to be. 

The first time I became fully aware of the “Don’t Want To Be” category of  older people was when I lived and worked in Washington, D.C. I was in my early 20s.  It was a high pressure/low pay job, though my superiors were very well paid, and growing more well-paid every year (the dot com years!).  People who were ‘old’ to me then, ranged in the ages from 35 to 50.  Not all, but more than several really struggled mentally and emotionally with the stress of their lives and balancing work   and family.  I remember working on a particular Saturday at my ‘cube’, when a project manager, who was probably 35 to 40 came to me crying.  “Will you talk to my husband on the phone?” she asked.  “He doesn’t believe me about how stressful this is.  He doesn’t understand how mean our boss can be.  Will you tell him?”  I did NOT want to be this person in ten years!  I began to examine the contributing factors to the panic and neuroses  around me.  I began to envision my life going in a different direction than the direction I seemed headed.

Conversely, I have had the opportunity in the past ten years to be around some vibrant, curious, wise older people, who have ranged in age from 50 to 95 years old.  Not only have I had friendships and mentoring relationships with some, some I have had the privilege to be with as a hospice worker or therapist.  When I am with an older person, I listen carefully.  Here are some characteristics I notice in people who age with grace and complexity: 

1)      They take risks – they take classes or travel or try new hobbies

2)      They find the humor in life and in themselves

3)      They are flexible with their time and flexible with their minds.  They don’t get stuck in one way of thinking, but continue to learn

4)      They stay curious about the world and show an interest in things that are ageless – music, art, reading, politics

5)      They have friendships with people of different ages

6)      They accept their age and don’t try to be younger (is it self-serving to say that I think dying the grey out of your hair is okay?!)

7)      They balance quiet time with activity.

I’ve heard, that when you’re mountain biking, you need to look at where you want to go, not where you don’t want to go.  Don’t look at the big boulder that you're trying to avoid, look at the smooth path you want your bike to follow. 

Our individual and collective mental health would benefit from valuing and thinking about age at least as much as youth.  I'd like to see some more articles in the New Yorker about that.  

what's your code?

I saw a PBS special this week on TV Crusaders.  The creators and actors of characters like Hawkeye Pierce, House, and even Xena, Warrior Princess were interviewed.  It was fun and interesting.  On my 'to watch' list for life is the HBO series, The Wire.  This Crusaders special showed some bits of a character named Omar Little.  He was a gangster and he killed a lot of people, I guess, but he never killed anyone who wasn't in 'the game' (drugs).  He was talking with a cop in one clip they showed and the cop says, 'Everybody's got to have a code.' 

I was thinking about that and I like it.  It made me wonder what my code is and who influenced it.  One thing in particular has come to mind this week - maybe because of Thanksgiving, which I find to be the most patriotic holiday.  I was thinking about my dad and some influence he had on me - his code, I guess.  My dad was shaped by the military - he went to military school, was in college ROTC, the Army Reserves.  He'd tell you today that a guiding principle of his life is Duty, Honor, Country. 

Duty and honor are concepts that interest me a lot - I find that there are many ways to be a warrior, and not all of them are literally military.  Through my work in hospice, and of course, as a therapist, many of the warriors I witness look like caregivers.  They get up every single day to battle fatigue, grief, someone else's disease process or despair.  They commit themselves to the well-being and health of others -whether it's their kids or their aging parents, their patients, or community members.  They find honor in living this way and they are steadfast in their duties. 

When my kids were really little, I remember kind of thinking the word duty was funny because it was resonant to me of 'doo - doo.'  Always, highbrow humor at our house!  Some days, I felt like all I was doo-doo doing was duty.  I had to doo-doo the never-ending laundry, doo-doo the never-ending dishes, doo-doo the baths and diaper changes, doo-doo my paperwork for work, doo-doo taking care of the animals, doo-doo church commitments, etc., etc..  Why did I doo-doo all this, I asked myself?  Because I LOVED these people- my kids, my husband, my patients, my church friends.  Or I was supposed to.  Or I think I thought I did.  Oh, no!

See, somehow in all the duty, the responsibility,  I truly had lost touch with the love that was supposed to be motivating me toward all this action. 

Sometimes I get disgusted with gooey self-help words like self-care.  But here's what I think it means.  To be a grown up in the real sense of the world, I think we have to have an understanding of our own freedom.  The literal truth is that we have a lot of freedom.  When we take care of ourselves it gives us room, it gives us a sense of space, time, and freedom.  When we have this space, time and sense of freedom, we can get back to our 'duties', but we can do it with love and not resentment or rote operations.  My husband would tell you, 'I'm a simple man.'   (That might be his Code).  So this is what he says about my topic today: 'if you do something because you want to do it, it's just easier.'

Out of the mouths of babes.  You know, I don't know if I have a one-sentence code, but I know that I value being honorable and dutiful.  I also value being loving and having fun.  In fact I recommend the following:  honor, duty, loving and fun. And at least for today, that is my code.

Happy Thanksgiving and much LOVE to you and your families!