Not Exactly Oprah, But...My Favorite Things - Books I Want To Share With You

When I started my private therapy practice in 2010, I had to think a little bit about something that feels gross to a social worker:  marketing myself.  What would be my brand?  What did I have to offer?  I believe both love and business sense are needed to sustain a private therapy practice (not to mention, marriage).

I thought about my philosophy for therapy, what might make me different as a therapist.

One of these differences I articulated to myself was that I thought therapy could actually be fun.  Why not?  Not every moment of therapy, but  mixed in with the grief or breakthroughs or grappling with inner demons, could be humor, fun, and play.  And I created a little fantasy (which amused me, if no one else) that maybe I could be the Oprah of therapy and I could have a 'favorite things' day, where at the end of a session, I could get a mischievous gleam in my eye and say, "Look under your chair!   Just feel around down there - each and every one of my clients today will get my latest favorite thing  - A NEW LIP GLOSS!"  (My ambitions were modest, and possibly sexist.  Maybe men clients would get a lip balm...).  But, just the vision was fun for me.

So now it is eight years later, and I've been thinking more about the idea of sharing my favorite things.  Not lip gloss, but resources.  I hold the old exuberance of sharing for the sheer joy of it, but also for practical reasons now (the old balance between love and business). People call me frequently for resources and I thought it might be a good idea to have a place to refer them - my blog.  So, this will be the first of maybe a few 'favorite things' blogs during the next few months.  And because I get to write it, I get to start in the place that is most inspiring  for me:

Books.  In my own, real, everyday life, some of my favorite things are books.  Books make me feel peaceful and hopeful and reverent.  When I go into a book store, sometimes it can be like going into church.  I'm delighted and I feel magical and I love the smell.

I share the books below because they have impacted me, moving me toward something important in my mind, heart, or spirit.  This is not a comprehensive list, but some of the books I recommend most frequently to clients.  Ok!  Here we go!  Look under your chair!

BOOKS I LOVE THAT WILL HELP YOU THROUGH HARD TIMES - NON-FICTION

1.  Peace Is Every Step - by Thic Nhat Hanh.  He is a Buddhist monk and he will show you hos even washing dishes can bring you a feeling of peace.  And even better, he'll show you how your inner peace will make the world more peaceful.

2.  The Places that Scare You - by Pema Chodron.  She will teach you that you have to practice self-compassion, especially around your own fears.  Her words make it feel possible to be both gentle and a warrior at the same time.

3.  When Bad Things Happen to Good People - by Rabbi Harold Kushner.  He will help you when you feel the feeling - 'Why.  Why did this happen.  How could God let this happen. If there is a loving God, why is there so much suffering.'

4.  The Four Agreements - by Don Miguel Ruiz .  Even though there is a new-age-y element, this is a really practical book.  If you practice the four agreements (Spoiler:  the first two are to be totally honest in everything you say and the second is to take nothing personally), you will find your life changed.  Seriously.

5.  Man's Search for Meaning - by Viktor Frankl.  This book will help you understand that no matter what difficulty you face, you are part of a larger human experience and both suffering and survival.  You will be encouraged to find the meaning in your own life, no matter what.

6.  Healing After Loss - by Martha Hickman.  No other book is as good for grieving, in my opinion.  Each page is one day of the year.  If you are grieving, you only have to have the attention span for one page.  The author does have a spiritual perspective, primarily Christian, so if you're atheist, you might bump into that.  But I think there is beautiful writing and she touches on every part of grief and healing.

POETRY THAT INSPIRES AND CONSOLES

1.  The Bible.  The stories and Psalms and poetry are what I grew up with.  If you grew up with a positive experience in the Christian church, you will also find wisdom and comfort here.

2.  The Art of Losing - edited by Kevin Young.  Kevin Young brings together poetry that touches on almost every part of grief, loss and continuing to live - from the people we lose to the rituals around death.  Comprehensive and beautiful.

CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT TELL STORIES OF THE HUMAN CONDITION WITH LOVE AND HUMOR.  GROWN UPS NEED MORE OF THIS

1.  Because of Winn-Dixie - by Kate DeCamillo.  This book has great lessons about loving and letting go.  It's funny and magical and poignant.  When someone wants to leave you, you have to let them.

2.  Owl At Home - by Arnold Lobel.  This is a short, illustrated little kids' book.  You will see your own anxiety and neuroses in Owl and you will laugh at yourself and maybe let go of your worry or self-pity.

3.  Love That Dog - by Sharon Creech.  Trying to push away your grief doesn't work in the end.  Sometimes poetry and a good teacher can help you tell your story.

4.  Walk Two Moons - by Sharon Creech.  I like how this book helps kids (and adults) deal matter of factly with suffering and survival.  Hard things happen and good things happen and we have to deal with reality.

5.  The Graveyard Book - by Neil Gaiman.  This is the Hero's Journey.  It is about the patchwork of people (even if they are dead or undead) that it takes to raise a child and launch him (or her) into the world.  It gives you courage to face scary things, understanding that you are not alone.

6.  The Little Prince - by Antoin de Saint-Exupery.  This book is full of mystery and wisdom, about life, love, death, survival and letting go.

7.  The Thirteen Clocks - by James Thurber.  Humor and Romantic Love and Chivalry.  Poetry.  And a Golux, who says, "I make mistakes.  But I am on the side of Good."

8.  Anything by Madeleine L'Engle, C.S. Lewis, J.K. Rowling, who write not so much about grief, but about hope, faith, friendship, family and destiny.  The Hero's Journey.


ADULT FICTION THAT SHAPED MY WORLDVIEW

1.  To Kill A Mockingbird-  by Harper Lee.  Most people have read this.  I was required to do my freshman in high school composition about conscience about this book (Thank you, Mrs. Campbell, I still remember).  No other book, in my opinion, will help you remember the feeling of being a kid in summer or remind you what it feels like to understand that people are complicated and that each person's story is deeper than what it looks like at first glance.

2.  Catch-22 - by Joseph Heller.  This is a book when that will remind you of the absurdity of our human experience.  When you are caught in a no-win situation, it will help you endure it or figure out a way to get out.  It will give you that little bit of anger and energy you might need to call bullshit on bullshit.

3.  A Tree Grows In Brooklyn - by Betty Smith.  This book will give you empathy for what it is like to be poor, have a drunk father, and have aspirations (and hope) to live a better life.  Betty Smith's portrait of the human condition and the beauty and cruelty of people is just as true as it was when she wrote is 90 years ago.

4.  Slaughterhouse Five - by Kurt Vonnegut.  War is insanity.

I know it's not keys to a new car, but books, to me, are keys to other things.

And if you are wondering why I haven't written for a while..-it's because we got a new dog, which is like adopting a toddler.  For me, I fluctuate between affection, fear, and simply enduring the chaos.

Maybe this is also why books are on my mind.  When I am anxious, I need to rest my brain (why does a new dog make me anxious?  A topic for another blog).  My brain is resting with books and I'm I'm not sure if it's time to re-read Catch-22 or Peace is Every Step.  Maybe both.

allowing other people to change

I've always said my son is hot-tempered.  He has red hair and since he was a toddler has known how to tantrum with the best of them.  As he's gotten older, of course this looks different than throwing himself on the grocery store floor and screaming, but still.  I've worried for him that he wouldn't find a way to control and focus his anger/aggression or even just loosen up on it.  So, I was amazed and my heart filled this week when I got to see him spar for one of the first times in karate.  He was awesome.  He was focused, unafraid, but controlled.  He kept his sense of humor, even when he got hurt.  With the guidance of their teacher, he and his sparring partner helped one another become better.  One of the reasons it was so cool for me is that I saw how my definition of my child, this "hot head" might not be so accurate anymore.  He is changing and as a mom I can see that the qualities of focus and sense of humor together will help him in his whole life. 

It reminded me, in a way, of a time when my sister was about 19 and I was 23.  She was in college and I lived in DC.  I had always been a pretty 'mature' older sister...rather parental toward her.  One day we were talking on the phone and she got irritated with me (I still remember where I was sitting - at my office desk for "Special Events of Union Station") and she yelled, "I'm not a child anymore!  It's time you stopped treating me like one."  It was a total lightbulb.  She had changed and I wasn't seeing it and I was treating her in old ways that didn't work anymore.

We do this all the time with people.  Our parents, our spouses, our friends.  We define them in certain ways - some unflattering - "she's the friend who never calls back"  "she's the wife who is critical."  Sometimes people change and we're so stuck in the past that we don't see what's right in front of us.

I remember telling someone a few years ago that a man I'd known for a long time was an  'a**hole.'  Then I thought what a damning thing that is to say.  Maybe he's not an a**hole anymore, I thought.  I checked it out.  Guess what?  He wasn't an a**hole.  Maybe he never had been and it was my lens of looking at the world that made him seem such.  Well, live and learn.

I recommend observing.  For a little bit, listen and watch people you are in relationship with as if you were just getting to know them.  Maybe they've changed and you haven't noticed.  Just like we all want to be seen and known for who we are, so do they.