saying what you mean, listening to what's said

How many of us have ever found ourselves being on one end or another of this conversation:

Person 1:  "What's wrong?"

Person 2: "Nothing."

Person 1:  "Oh, it just seems like something's wrong."

Person 2:  "Well, there's not."

How many Person 1's have walked away from that conversation not believing Person 2?  How many Person 1's start looking for ways that Person 2 is actually mad, but just not saying it.

What is this all about?  Why is this so common?  In how many ways is this unhealthy for all of us? 

I'm going to posit a theory that I notice from both my own life and from my experience in my work.  Person 1 has usually had a formative experience with an original Person 2 who was an indirect communicator.

Let's make this more concrete...if, for example, my first serious boyfriend who I was 'with' for four years from ages 16 to 20 was an indirect communicator, I may have asked, "what's wrong?" sometime when we were driving to a party.  "Nothing," he might have said, but then at the party he gave me the silent treatment or flirted with other girls. 

Or, for example, if I asked my mother, "what's wrong?" and when I was 9 years old, and she said, "Nothing," but then stomped around the house and slammed kitchen cabinets and was very short-tempered, and this was part of a longstanding pattern, I might have learned to not trust her verbal information and try to read very carefully her non-verbal information. 

Some people might say the Person 2 in these examples is 'passive aggressive," and I agree that might be a convenient label.  More generously, we might also say that these particular Person 2's are not in touch with their feelings or how their feelings might impact their actions.  Or, they might simply be very, very afraid of conflict and unable to directly address whatever is wrong.

So now we have sussed out a little of a common pattern in relationships - the WHY of this situation.

Here is what I'd like to consider to improve the emotional health of Person 1s and some Person 2's everywhere. 

Person 1 - listen to me, now.  Don't generalize whatever you picked up from your 'passive aggressive' relationship onto other relationships!  Live in the present, not the past!  You may actually be dealing with a Person 2 who is being honest when they say 'nothing is wrong.'  If nothing is wrong (and it probably isn't), you must relax.  Stop paying attention to every nuance of Person 2's behavior, voice inflection, breathing.  Take them at their word.   It's their responsibility to let you know if something is wrong.

Now, if you are a Person 2 who finds that you actually, well, yeah, sometimes take things out on someone you care about without explaining why you're mad, or punish them just a little, or kind of enjoy that they come to you and kind of have to kiss up to you...stop it.  Speaking honestly is one of the most important components of self-respect.  If someone asks you if something's wrong, you might simply want to answer, ' I don't know.  Let me think about it and I'll tell you when I have a clear idea about what's going on.'  We don't always have to have an immediate answer to every interpersonal interaction.

If you're a Person 2 who really means nothing is wrong...what can I say...try to have patience with your Person 1.  Understand you have a great opportunity to help heal something that is painful. 

I must confess that in my life, I have tended to be more of a Person 1 - a caregiver, a reader of non-verbal cues.  I don't think I am as much this way now - certainly not in the same ways I was when I was younger and struggling more with interpersonal relationships.  Now, I tend to use my skills of intuition, reading non-verbal cues, tone of voice, understanding of human nature, in my work and writing.  This is part of my healing.  And in the end, much of what I think we all can imagine and hope for, is to really live in the PRESENT and not the past.  To understand the moment, our relationships, our loves and ourselves as we are NOW,  and not in the shadows of past pains.

say anything

One of the most absurd memories I have from being a hospice social worker is going to start out sounding rather callous.  Please bear with me.  It was when I got a nurse's report that one of my male patients in his nineties might be planning to kill himself.  His family feared it and didn't know what to do.  So, the nurse calls me and asks me to go do a suicide assessment.

I find the man in bed, nearly too weak to get up, and very hard of hearing.  A suicide assessment can't be that nuanced a thing...it's not a matter you really tiptoe around.  This one lacked any subtlety whatsoever.  Here's what I had to do:  get in bed with the 90 year old man and shout in his ear, "ARE YOU PLANNING TO KILL YOURSELF?!" 

This is what he answered, "Are you one of those goddammed do-gooders?!?"

That makes me laugh even now, 6 years later.  I certainly hadn't expected that answer.

He told me he'd thought about killing himself, which for many patients with a terminal diagnosis, is perfectly normal.  He didn't do it.  And while I could tell he'd been a difficult and imposing character for his family for his whole life, I did admire orneriness.

But this post isn't about suicidality.  It's about how I've found my life transformed because I've been forced to have so many difficult conversations with people.  I've had to discuss taboos, name the 'elephant in the room,' strong arm people to go to the hospital, challenge many an 'old man' (not easy for many of us who grew up to respect our elders.)  But, it's really been a wonderful learning experience for me, because what I've learned and been able to take into my personal life is that you can really say anything - it's just how you say it.

Many of us have imaginary conversations in our heads because we've been hurt by someone, are worried about something, or assumed the other guy was thinking something but we're not sure.  In my private practice, I see that many interpersonal hurts and grudges are perpetuated needlessly because many people are reluctant to check in with others about difficult things.

Here's what I've learned about saying hard things:
1)  Be curious.  Don't assume you know.  Ask, rather than make an accusations. 

2) Have a sense of humor, not a sarcastic one, but a gentle sense of humor and be able to laugh at yourself.

3)  Have a loving, compassionate intention.   Hard conversations seem to be called for most urgently when we are angry or worried.  Starting from a place of saying to yourself, "I am a person just trying to do my best in the world and most likely this other guy is just a person trying to do his best in the world too."  You have compassion for yourself and the other person before even starting the conversation.

This is not all there is to it, and I know I will continue to learn, but what talking with people about difficult things has done for me is open up my relationships to be deeper and more real.  I don't hold little grudges and just keep my relationships on the surface in order to protect myself.  I also find myself less shy about expressing my love and gratitude for people in my life...this can feel vulnerable and even difficult for some people too, but for me, I've never regretted it.