My Name is Katy, and I am Codependent in our Political System

When I was listening to the news coverage of Donald Trump's speech at the Boy Scout Jamboree last week, I reached my wit's end.  I don't know why this was the moment.  People might guess that it's because, from my privileged white woman position, I didn't feel the need to speak up until it 'hit home.'  The Boy Scouts.  But, really there are many reasons I haven't been public about an administration, and let's face it, a government -including both Democrats and Republicans, who, frankly exhaust me.

Here is why I am speaking up now.  I am a recovering co-dependent.  And as a therapist and as a spiritual person, I believe that all the world - all of the universe - is inter-connected. I believe what makes us healthy or unhealthy in small systems like families and large systems like governments are inter-related.  I believe each of us possess gifts and qualities that, in excess or when misused, can turn negative and damaging to ourselves and others.

I'm going to share some of the qualities I see in myself and the patterns in my own life I  work to change or moderate.  And maybe this will spark some thoughts in you.

If you are not familiar with codependency, here's a little primer.  Being codependent might also be called being an enabler.  If you are an enabler in an addicted relationship, you protect the addicted person from the consequences of their behavior and you are frequently in denial.   Here's a decent resource if you're interested in some basics...http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

I've found that co-dependents come in a few flavors (I have a nerdy part of me that really wants to research this right now, but I'm just going to speak from my own experience).  There are martyr-ish co-dependents who take on all the work in a family and feel taken advantage of, but keep taking on more work.  There are bossy co-dependents, who are going to TELL YOU JUST HOW TO RUN YOUR LIFE AND EXACTLY WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING.  Then, they get mad when no one takes their advice, including people who are addicted.  And finally, there are the 'hippi/Buddhist' co-dependents'...the 'live and let live' people.  They might think something like, "Listen, man, people make their own choices."  I hope you heard that in your head like Janice from the Muppets.  But a constant diet of non-intervention leads to no boundaries and other disasters.

In excess, I tend to fall in the last category.   How can this be?  I'll tell you the things I've learned about myself that I think contribute:

A.  I am rather happy by nature.  I have written about that before.  Of course, I have down days and even down weeks.  I have a dark sense of humor and I am pretty realistic about the state of the world, but even in negative circumstances, I can find gratitude and joy.  Those things are still in the mix for me, even when the going is rough.  Not necessarily bad, but maybe too easy to blow past problems that need addressing.

B.  I am optimistic by nature.  This can be both big picture and small picture.  In the big picture, Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King said, "The arc of the universe is long and it bends toward justice."  That is my gut instinct too.  In the small picture, it's harder to describe - maybe it's just a belief that most people are generally good, so things are bound to be at least okay on any given day.  If you are a cynic, please feel free to roll your eyes.  I can't see you.  Again, there's a fine line between optimism and denial.

C.  I value peace and dislike confrontation.  This is probably the biggest one that leads to denial and enabling.   So many times in my life, when someone has pushed or ignored my boundaries, I've thought, "It's not really worth it to say something."  Or, "It's not really a big deal."  Or "I can handle it."  Or, (the optimistic part kicks in...) "Things will probably get better."

Why?  Because (and I'm not saying this is right, good, or helpful), I've valued short term peace over long term peace.  I didn't have the long view in mind...which is that ultimately, when you allow someone to push or break your boundaries again and again, you actually don't have peace.  You have submission.

So it is not for Donald Trump to change that I say what I say.  And it's not for our government, lobbyists,  media or anybody else that I write this.  I write this for me:  Donald Trump's government does not represent my values or the values of this country - Liberty, Equality, and Justice.  This is not okay with me.  This is wrong.  The way our most vulnerable citizens are being treated  - immigrants, transgender people, children, people who are sick, people who are poor - robs them of their Liberty, Equality and Justice.  This is wrong.  Our entire system is disabled and dysfunctional (not just one party or one person) in ways that are wrong.  Lobbyists?  Term limits?  I know the people we have elected can do better than they are doing.  There are answers out there, but people are probably going to have to make sacrifices.

Listen - I know very well that I just wrote this and I put several hours of my life into it and not much is going to look different tomorrow.  But part of me living my life fully is not doing the things that feel comfortable, the things I tend to do - to make peace.  To fall into my 'defensive optimism.'  I want things in this world to get better for everybody - especially the vulnerable.  And maybe my little voice in the wilderness helps make one or two people braver.  Who knows where that might lead?

I'll leave you with two more parts of me - the deep and the silly.

From the Upanishads (Hindu sacred text)
As is the human body
so is the cosmic body.
As is the human mind,
so is the cosmic mind.
As is the microcosm,
so is the macrocosm.
As is the atom,
so is the universe.

thoughts on forgiveness

I think forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood virtues. (If you can call it a virtue - maybe it's more of a 'quality.' Still, it's misunderstood). For what it's worth, my opinion is that forgiveness is not: 1) the feeling that everything is fine; or 2) the feeling of being happy with the person you've forgiven..

In fact, I think forgiveness is probably not a statement.

In church Sunday, the minister talked about Process Theology - a theological concept in which God is understood as a process. God, rather than being a person-like, but spiritual being, is a verb and is continually "happening." Martin Luther King, Jr. studied and considered Process Theology, but ultimately put his faith in a more personal God, an image of God that is in a sense more 'human' - and certainly in which humans are created in His image. All interesting ideas and not to be wishy-washy, but on any given day, God to me, can be any and all of these things/ideas.

But the idea of PROCESS and forgiveness is what's hitting home this week, as I continue to think about the shootings in Tucson, ongoing racial and gender injustice in our world, and also the personal/interpersonal concerns of my own life.

One amazing example of large scale forgiveness can be found in Rwanda - where in 1994 in 100 days over 1 million minority Tutsi's were massacred. I encourage you to take a look at this abstract from a 2009 New Yorker: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/05/04/090504fa_fact_gourevitch
Basically, because those who committed genocide are living side by side in villages with victims of the genocide, the state has implemented a policy of forgiveness courts. Here, perpetrators stand before families of their victims and their communities and publicly ask for forgiveness. Their apology is publicly accepted. Those involved seem to report that they just go through the motions, but that this gives them a place to start. Having a place to start the process is better than not having a place to start.

As I think about what kind of a world I want my kids to inherit and I think about what brings me peace I am more convinced that as crazy as it sounds, justice must look like forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean saying, 'what you did is okay,' it means saying - what you did to me, I'm not going to do back to you - literally or figuratively.

A couple years ago, I remember feeling kind of proud of myself because I felt like I had reached a place of forgiveness with someone that I'd found it difficult to forgive. I'd been reading some codependency literature and liked this idea of detachment - it's said, "detach with anger or detach with love, but just detach." In this particular case, I felt that I was able to detach with love. In reflecting on it, I was both proud and very, very aware that I was standing on a metaphorical thin line of forgiveness - kind of like, "You and I are good now, but if you hurt me again, this whole forgiveness thing goes out the window!"

Maybe that's why I feel that affinity for forgiveness as a process, rather than a point we reach of enlightenment and some sort of inoculation against being hurt by others. Forgiveness is often tenuous and I believe we can move in and out of it, but our intention to forgive is really, very important.

So. A day late, but here's to Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., whose message of nonviolent protest and vision for people of all races is still happening.