If you are someone who knows me well, you probably have heard me say for a number of years - 'This is the year I am going to do less.' 'This is the year of saying NO.' By now, you probably laugh at me and roll your eyes (I hope you roll them in an affectionate way).
One of my character flaws is to over-commit to various activities and then run around like a maniac and complain that I don't have enough time to enjoy my very full life. If you haven't read a children's book call Owl At Homeby Arnold Lobel - you should. It's so funny - it's a series of vignettes about a neurotic owl. Perhaps my favorite is the one where Owl runs upstairs and downstairs. 'Owl, are you Downstairs? ' he calls to himself? 'No,' he replies to himself, 'I am Upstairs'. Then he runs Upstairs trying to catch himself. This happens again and again. Finally he says, 'I can't be both upstairs and downstairs at the same time. All I am is exhausted.'
Maybe you are not an upstairs, downstairs person. One of my dearest friends says she is a one thing a day person. Amazing! But maybe you are a person who would like to make a particular change, but this change seems to not fully happen. Maybe you make a little progress and then fall back into 'old ways.'
Another friend, Laurie, has often been my 'upaguru' (I just learned what this means - it means 'the guru next to you.') Her life has been full of experiences and relationships and she's been a student of both life and death, having worked in home hospice and bereavement for many years. She is one of those friends that after every time we have lunch or meet for coffee, I find myself mulling over something she said or some unique perspective she shared and it's as if I'm a better person for having spent time with her.
This Fall she visited me at home and we sat in the kitchen drinking tea - the afternoon sunlight warming us through the windows. My family and I had recently moved and as I may have mentioned here, this stirred up many things, including the painful aspects of the Upstairs, Downstairs part of me.
As I was talking with Laurie about this, she asked me, "what does your Deep Knowing want you to know?" Wow. What a question. Laurie is so awesome because she asks questions like this and really wants to know the answer.
I pondered her question many times this Fall and early Winter. The word that kept coming to me was 'Quiet.' What did it mean? I kept listening to this place in myself that we'll call Deep Knowing, and what I believe is this - for these several years, I've been saying, 'I'm going to say NO, I'm going to cut back on activities' and what I really needed to do was whittle down to the essence what I need. When I ask my Deep Knowing what it wants me to know, its this: my Self, my inner core, needs more Quiet time.
That's just my answer. You have a Deep Knowing too, that may be trying to tell you something. Does a particular theme keep coming up in your life? A problem relationship? Is there a certain change you keep trying to make, but find it so hard and exhausting to make that change?
Maybe it's been difficult because you have been keeping yourself at the surface of the problem. Maybe it is time to listen to your own Deep Knowing. To give yourself the time and space, not just one day, but maybe over several days or weeks. Or months. Ask yourself, 'what does my Deep Knowing want me to know?" Write about it. Talk with a trusted someone else about it. I believe you have the wisdom and courage you need inside you.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Dream Bigger
I have been with many, many people in the last days of their life on earth. I try to be a comfort to others in their grief. I believe we honor those who have gone before us by the way we live our lives. In our love, their legacy is love; in our compassion, they live on in compassion; in the joy and beauty we find in life, we honor their memory and this is one way their spirits continue. I believe we can do this for people in our family, I also believe we can do this for those we don't know personally, like the children and adults who lost their lives last Friday in Newtown, CT.
I am reading Letter from a Birmingham Jail by Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. In the introduction, by his daughter, Rev. Bernice King, she says that her father did what was necessary to eliminate the "Triple Evils of Poverty, Racism, and War." At the end of his letter, Dr. King concludes, "Let us all hope that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away and the deep fog of misunderstanding will be lifted from our fear-drenched communities and in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant stars of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all of their scintillating beauty." Dr. King's words and visions inspire me just as much as his awesome actions in life.
So, this is what I want you to do to transform your sorrow. I want you to dream bigger. Dream bigger for yourself, but also dream bigger for this world and all its people. Don't be embarrassed or sheepish.
When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be the first woman President of the United States. My fifth grade teacher told me that women couldn't be President. This didn't dash my dream, but it shows how life can start muddying up our dreams so we can't see them anymore.
My dreams have changed since 5th grade. It feels vulnerable to write my dream, but it is a true one: When I give someone my full attention, I see what is loveable in them. Sometimes I see what is loveable in them before they see it in themselves. I dream to shine a light on that loveable thing, so that the person can feel it and see it for themselves. I dream of a world where each person can feel that loveable part of themselves and interact with the world from a place of love and confidence and not from a place of fear or insecurity. That is my dream. It's a big dream.
You probably have a dream too. Take some time to think about it today, about how your life honors those who have come before you, about how you may have forgotten that you can clean off those muddied up dreams or create new ones. Think about that dream and then dream a little bigger.
A quote attributed to the Buddha is this: "In this world, hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and inexhaustible." After grieving, may your dreams be created in love.
I am reading Letter from a Birmingham Jail by Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. In the introduction, by his daughter, Rev. Bernice King, she says that her father did what was necessary to eliminate the "Triple Evils of Poverty, Racism, and War." At the end of his letter, Dr. King concludes, "Let us all hope that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away and the deep fog of misunderstanding will be lifted from our fear-drenched communities and in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant stars of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all of their scintillating beauty." Dr. King's words and visions inspire me just as much as his awesome actions in life.
So, this is what I want you to do to transform your sorrow. I want you to dream bigger. Dream bigger for yourself, but also dream bigger for this world and all its people. Don't be embarrassed or sheepish.
When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be the first woman President of the United States. My fifth grade teacher told me that women couldn't be President. This didn't dash my dream, but it shows how life can start muddying up our dreams so we can't see them anymore.
My dreams have changed since 5th grade. It feels vulnerable to write my dream, but it is a true one: When I give someone my full attention, I see what is loveable in them. Sometimes I see what is loveable in them before they see it in themselves. I dream to shine a light on that loveable thing, so that the person can feel it and see it for themselves. I dream of a world where each person can feel that loveable part of themselves and interact with the world from a place of love and confidence and not from a place of fear or insecurity. That is my dream. It's a big dream.
You probably have a dream too. Take some time to think about it today, about how your life honors those who have come before you, about how you may have forgotten that you can clean off those muddied up dreams or create new ones. Think about that dream and then dream a little bigger.
A quote attributed to the Buddha is this: "In this world, hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and inexhaustible." After grieving, may your dreams be created in love.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
anger is a tooth
When I was still in social work school back in 1999, I was tasked by my practicum at Kids In The Middle with teaching a court mandated class on co-parenting for divorcing parents in the city of St. Louis. My supervisor and friend, Jen taught it with me. We were about 27 years old and neither of us were married. Nor had children. We were not stupid enough to think we knew exactly what we were talking about, but we did think we were kind of awesome considering the circumstances. I remember walking away from the class thinking, "I actually think that went pretty well.' We must have had some really nice, kind people we were speaking too, because I can only imagine what we looked like to our 'students' - there is no other way to say it - we were young, inexperienced white girls with a good deal of guts, but no street cred at all.
And just like with so much of life, we don't always know where our lessons will come from and which ones will stick with us. Here's one that continues with me today, 13 years later - it was part of the curriculum - something I was supposed to be teaching on those Tuesday nights so many years ago. It's so simple, it's almost childlike:
Anger is a tooth with two roots: sadness and fear.
If you think about it, almost every time you're angry you can examine the roots of that anger in sadness and fear. When my kids are bugging the hell out of each other and I finally lose my temper with them, I am sad, wondering if they will ever get along or I am fearful that I will not have a moments peace or I am fearful one of them will get hurt by the other. When I am mad at the guy who cut me off driving, at root, I am scared I will get hurt or scared that I will be late. When I have a client who is angry with her father, it may be because she is afraid she will never have the relationship with her father that she longs for. When I talk with a client who is angry with his wife, it may be because he is really sad that he doesn't know how to ask for his needs to be met.
I believe it is Thich Nhat Hanh who says that living with anger is like living in Hell. I don't think all anger is bad - in fact I've written about it before. I've read that anger is like a warning sign, a flashing light that tells us, "Pay attention. There has been a violation of some kind." Once we pay attention, I don't think we need to just throw out the anger and tell ourselves that if we're emotionally healthy we just 'get over it.'
But, I do recommend sitting with the anger for a few minutes before you respond. Try imagining that tooth. What are the roots. Are you sad? Are you fearful? If you have time, write down all the parts of that situation that might make you sad or fearful. I guarantee that when you respond, when you address the violation, you will be addressing it in a more honest way and you will feel better about how you handled that situation.
And just like with so much of life, we don't always know where our lessons will come from and which ones will stick with us. Here's one that continues with me today, 13 years later - it was part of the curriculum - something I was supposed to be teaching on those Tuesday nights so many years ago. It's so simple, it's almost childlike:
Anger is a tooth with two roots: sadness and fear.
If you think about it, almost every time you're angry you can examine the roots of that anger in sadness and fear. When my kids are bugging the hell out of each other and I finally lose my temper with them, I am sad, wondering if they will ever get along or I am fearful that I will not have a moments peace or I am fearful one of them will get hurt by the other. When I am mad at the guy who cut me off driving, at root, I am scared I will get hurt or scared that I will be late. When I have a client who is angry with her father, it may be because she is afraid she will never have the relationship with her father that she longs for. When I talk with a client who is angry with his wife, it may be because he is really sad that he doesn't know how to ask for his needs to be met.
I believe it is Thich Nhat Hanh who says that living with anger is like living in Hell. I don't think all anger is bad - in fact I've written about it before. I've read that anger is like a warning sign, a flashing light that tells us, "Pay attention. There has been a violation of some kind." Once we pay attention, I don't think we need to just throw out the anger and tell ourselves that if we're emotionally healthy we just 'get over it.'
But, I do recommend sitting with the anger for a few minutes before you respond. Try imagining that tooth. What are the roots. Are you sad? Are you fearful? If you have time, write down all the parts of that situation that might make you sad or fearful. I guarantee that when you respond, when you address the violation, you will be addressing it in a more honest way and you will feel better about how you handled that situation.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
U.S. drones in Pakistan and other wake up calls
I dreamed about war last night and weapons. I think this may be rooted in information shared this past week in the Spirituality class I assist at Wash U. After a student presentation about spirituality in the military, another student, who is from Pakistan said, 'I'd like to share something about the U.S. use of drones in Pakistan.' She went on to explain that most Americans don't know about drone use there, but drones are unmanned aircraft that are controlled remotely. They are used to bomb sites where suspected Muslim extremists may be gathering. Unfortunately, there are many inaccuracies with such a remote system and many, many civilians - including women and children have been killed.
The woman who shared this anecdote is a lovely, intelligent, and thoughtful young woman. I had a deeper sense of both connection to her and also a sense of guilt and culpability after she talked. I have heard her describe her city, her mother, and now how her fellow citizens are hurt by the actions of my government. I just read a statistic online that nearly 75% if Pakistanis consider the U.S. an enemy. For a pretty balanced report, I've attached a Wikipedia entry on 'u.s. drones in Pakistan.' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drone_attacks_in_Pakistan
I can't tell you how many times before this I'd heard about drones on the news or read about them. At least the word 'drone'. Why did I not pay more attention? Why have I not used my curiosity to find out more about what my government is doing and where, as a representative of me? What does this have to do with emotional health?
Two things: 1) how many of us go through life, or at least parts of our life, rather drone-like ourselves. As if we are unmanned vehicles just operating by some remote pilot. We don't pay real attention to our environment, the people around us, the colors of the trees, the road we are driving on, the expression on a friend's face. We zone out and don't listen and aren't fully alive. What are we missing out on? 2) We are individuals and we have an individual emotional/mental health - but we are also a society and we have an emotional character as such. What do we want that emotional character to be? Can we help shape that? If so, how? Paying attention is one way to start.
It reminds me of a quote that I've heard attributed to Adam Horovitz of the Beastie Boys. When asked about the way the band's image changed from frat party boys, to politically conscious activists, he said, "I'd rather be a hypocrite to you, than a zombie forever."
So whether zombie, drone, the matrix or whatever you want to call it - I don't want to contribute to a world in which we say, 'that's just the way it is and I can't make a difference.' That's not good for MY mental health. In a time of year where we are getting ready to pay special attention to giving thanks, I'd like to give thanks for moments that make me uncomfortable. The moments that wake me up.
The woman who shared this anecdote is a lovely, intelligent, and thoughtful young woman. I had a deeper sense of both connection to her and also a sense of guilt and culpability after she talked. I have heard her describe her city, her mother, and now how her fellow citizens are hurt by the actions of my government. I just read a statistic online that nearly 75% if Pakistanis consider the U.S. an enemy. For a pretty balanced report, I've attached a Wikipedia entry on 'u.s. drones in Pakistan.' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drone_attacks_in_Pakistan
I can't tell you how many times before this I'd heard about drones on the news or read about them. At least the word 'drone'. Why did I not pay more attention? Why have I not used my curiosity to find out more about what my government is doing and where, as a representative of me? What does this have to do with emotional health?
Two things: 1) how many of us go through life, or at least parts of our life, rather drone-like ourselves. As if we are unmanned vehicles just operating by some remote pilot. We don't pay real attention to our environment, the people around us, the colors of the trees, the road we are driving on, the expression on a friend's face. We zone out and don't listen and aren't fully alive. What are we missing out on? 2) We are individuals and we have an individual emotional/mental health - but we are also a society and we have an emotional character as such. What do we want that emotional character to be? Can we help shape that? If so, how? Paying attention is one way to start.
It reminds me of a quote that I've heard attributed to Adam Horovitz of the Beastie Boys. When asked about the way the band's image changed from frat party boys, to politically conscious activists, he said, "I'd rather be a hypocrite to you, than a zombie forever."
So whether zombie, drone, the matrix or whatever you want to call it - I don't want to contribute to a world in which we say, 'that's just the way it is and I can't make a difference.' That's not good for MY mental health. In a time of year where we are getting ready to pay special attention to giving thanks, I'd like to give thanks for moments that make me uncomfortable. The moments that wake me up.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
thirteen ways of looking at citizenship
I started this blog a couple years ago with the philosophy that we are healthier - emotionally, mentally, spiritually, when we let ourselves look at life from many different angles - when we allow ourselves to open ourselves up to possibilities. I've been interested over these years in the number of times I've found myself writing about citizenship and 'current events.' I am surprised to find that I believe our role as 'citizen' actually impacts our emotional life and health.
So here's a blog that's been cooking since August (maybe that's why it's so long).
In the August 6, 2012 New Yorker, Ryan Lizza profiled Paul Ryan. The following quote was attributed to Mr. Ryan: “Only by taking responsibility for oneself, to the greatest extent possible, can one ever be free,” he wrote, “and only a free person can make responsible choices—between right and wrong, saving and spending, giving or taking.” http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/08/06/120806fa_fact_lizza#ixzz2B3vsd5DZ
I've done a lot of thinking about this. I am juxtaposing the thinking about freedom Mr. Ryan has done as a politician and the thinking I have done about freedom in my work as a therapist.
I should probably back up.
I have to confess my political leanings, in case you haven't guessed. I lean toward liberal. In the past, I have been probably what I would call a 'knee jerk' liberal. My father, a Republican in my childhood, and now maybe an independent, used to accuse my mother of brainwashing me during my naps as a child by playing Peter, Paul, and Mary and the Kingston Trio and other peace and love hippie music. Certainly FDR was a big, big hero on my mom's side of the family and therefore, to me. And of my generation, I was influenced by the Cold War, the threat of nuclear holocaust - does anyone else remember, "The Day After" ?!?
Then, I spent over the last decade of my life as a social worker. In that time, I have seen nearly every kind of social problem, every kind of illness, every kind of ruinous living condition that you can imagine, but not as many of those situations as some of my colleagues. As you know, the problems are staggering, and the answers are inadequate. It can feel overwhelming. If I found it depressing to visit a crack house to deliver adult diapers to a dying man, I couldn't begin to imagine being the ex-girlfriend who took care of him. I saw that government programs existed, but didn't always help. I saw people on disability and food stamps carrying cell phones and smoking cigarettes. I saw children who were abused and the government system did not keep them safe.
And then I think about freedom. About taking responsbility for oneself, as Paul Ryan says. And in the face of vast suffering, I can at least consider how and why it might feel like the best answer to whittle complexity down to a simple belief, i.e., "This country is founded on freedom, not collectivism. If each person or family took care of his or her own, and left the next to take care of his or her own, we would not be subject to paternalistic and cumbersome policies and in a state of freedom, social problems would diminish and people/enterprise would flourish." I can understand that thinking in a way that I used to not understand it.
Yet in this, I come back to wondering about definitions of freedom - freedom to do what? Freedom from what? Are we talking about the freedom to make money? Are we talking about free access to healthcare? To marry who you want to marry? Who's freedom?
There are many different kinds of freedom, which makes this discussion even more nuanced.
I have no delusion that government is the answer to every problem, or even the one answer to any one problem. But, I want to continue to raise the question about meaning - what can we mean by freedom? When Republicans and Democrats talk with one another, are they using the same understanding of the word, "free?" Before we judge 'the other guy' or 'the other position', it might be good to figure out if we're even talking about the same thing.
One thing we can agree on is that because we have this democratic society, we can talk about these issues publicly and without fear of retribution, and we can make the most well-thought out choices we can when we vote on Tuesday.
I am not a knee-jerk liberal any longer. I am a liberal who is willing to consider with respect a more conservative outlook. Back in the day, my dad used to accuse me of being naive, mostly due to my dove-ish tendencies, but I don't feel naive. I feel like I am compelled to think and learn about every point of view and reach my own conclusions. I hope you will feel that way, too.
So here's a blog that's been cooking since August (maybe that's why it's so long).
In the August 6, 2012 New Yorker, Ryan Lizza profiled Paul Ryan. The following quote was attributed to Mr. Ryan: “Only by taking responsibility for oneself, to the greatest extent possible, can one ever be free,” he wrote, “and only a free person can make responsible choices—between right and wrong, saving and spending, giving or taking.” http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/08/06/120806fa_fact_lizza#ixzz2B3vsd5DZ
I've done a lot of thinking about this. I am juxtaposing the thinking about freedom Mr. Ryan has done as a politician and the thinking I have done about freedom in my work as a therapist.
I should probably back up.
I have to confess my political leanings, in case you haven't guessed. I lean toward liberal. In the past, I have been probably what I would call a 'knee jerk' liberal. My father, a Republican in my childhood, and now maybe an independent, used to accuse my mother of brainwashing me during my naps as a child by playing Peter, Paul, and Mary and the Kingston Trio and other peace and love hippie music. Certainly FDR was a big, big hero on my mom's side of the family and therefore, to me. And of my generation, I was influenced by the Cold War, the threat of nuclear holocaust - does anyone else remember, "The Day After" ?!?
Then, I spent over the last decade of my life as a social worker. In that time, I have seen nearly every kind of social problem, every kind of illness, every kind of ruinous living condition that you can imagine, but not as many of those situations as some of my colleagues. As you know, the problems are staggering, and the answers are inadequate. It can feel overwhelming. If I found it depressing to visit a crack house to deliver adult diapers to a dying man, I couldn't begin to imagine being the ex-girlfriend who took care of him. I saw that government programs existed, but didn't always help. I saw people on disability and food stamps carrying cell phones and smoking cigarettes. I saw children who were abused and the government system did not keep them safe.
And then I think about freedom. About taking responsbility for oneself, as Paul Ryan says. And in the face of vast suffering, I can at least consider how and why it might feel like the best answer to whittle complexity down to a simple belief, i.e., "This country is founded on freedom, not collectivism. If each person or family took care of his or her own, and left the next to take care of his or her own, we would not be subject to paternalistic and cumbersome policies and in a state of freedom, social problems would diminish and people/enterprise would flourish." I can understand that thinking in a way that I used to not understand it.
Yet in this, I come back to wondering about definitions of freedom - freedom to do what? Freedom from what? Are we talking about the freedom to make money? Are we talking about free access to healthcare? To marry who you want to marry? Who's freedom?
There are many different kinds of freedom, which makes this discussion even more nuanced.
I have no delusion that government is the answer to every problem, or even the one answer to any one problem. But, I want to continue to raise the question about meaning - what can we mean by freedom? When Republicans and Democrats talk with one another, are they using the same understanding of the word, "free?" Before we judge 'the other guy' or 'the other position', it might be good to figure out if we're even talking about the same thing.
One thing we can agree on is that because we have this democratic society, we can talk about these issues publicly and without fear of retribution, and we can make the most well-thought out choices we can when we vote on Tuesday.
I am not a knee-jerk liberal any longer. I am a liberal who is willing to consider with respect a more conservative outlook. Back in the day, my dad used to accuse me of being naive, mostly due to my dove-ish tendencies, but I don't feel naive. I feel like I am compelled to think and learn about every point of view and reach my own conclusions. I hope you will feel that way, too.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Don't give up. Keep going.
Several dear friends and family members have said to me, particularly since I went into private practice, that some of the 'craziest' people they know are therapists and psychologists. I don't take this personally, because I am certain they are not talking about me. I mean, I am at total emotional peace and ease, 100 percent of the time, so the comment could not possibly apply.
Well...ok... ask my sister or husband how I did with our recent move. I found myself incredibly frustrated and sad to see that a couple of the 'issues' that I'd worked on for myself over the years just seemed to crop up again and I didn't seem to be able to get the brakes on it. Maybe the biggest for me is 'overwork.' That doesn't mean literally just work, it's like workaholism that runs the gamut of housework, errands, in this case - packing, calling and dealing with all the various people who deal with house and moving stuff. Under stress, I tend to get to where I won't take a break. I resent going to the bathroom, because it takes me away from my tasks. This is what my sister and I call the "rat on cocaine" gene. I have no idea how we came up with this phrase (so evocative of me running around the house packing boxes and refusing to take a bathroom break!), but obviously, we have to blame our parents for our issues, so we've determined that it's genetic in origin. Mom and Dad, I really am just kidding about blaming parents and/or the genetic part.
Here's the problem for me - something I see in the human condition in general, whether it's my clients or my friends or myself: the unhealthy behavior is not a new thing. I've seen overwork in myself and seen that it makes me feel burned out, exhausted, and resentful. Why am I doing it again? Why, when I know better, do I let stress trigger me into doing stuff I know doesn't work out well for me in the long run? Why do any of us, when we know better, do the same thing over and over again, whether it's overworking, overdrinking, overworrying, sticking our heads in the sand to avoid problems, picking fights when we really know we shouldn't, etc., etc.?
Oh yeah...we are human. If you have been bumping up against the same issue again and again in your life, that's okay. It's what we tell ourselves about our patterns and how we get out of them once we're in that we can pay attention to. \
One thing I liked about how I handled this particular moving situation is that I knew what was happening while it was happening. I didn't wake up 3 months later and go - 'Hey Katy, you really were a rat on cocaine during that move. Why did you do that?" I knew I was doing it as I was doing it. I also like that I asked for help quickly. I started telling some family and friends, "I am not doing so great."
The other thing that helped was a chance encounter with an inspiring woman who works at the Juvenile Detention Center in St. Louis. I accompanied some students from the class I help with at Wash U to a service project they're doing at the detention center. The woman who gave us our tour of the facility is a social worker and it was clear she loves the kids she works with. She said that the positive adults who work and volunteer with these youth (who are adjudicated because of a variety of possible crimes from petty theft to murder), are planting seeds. She said, they might not remember a whole lot about the youth leaders on down the road, but years later, they may say, "that lady at the detention center. She told me not to give up. Keep trying. Keep going."
In our own moments when we feel frustrated, angry, or down because we are looking the same issue in the face again, we'd do well to remember these words. Don't give up. Keep trying. Keep going.
Well...ok... ask my sister or husband how I did with our recent move. I found myself incredibly frustrated and sad to see that a couple of the 'issues' that I'd worked on for myself over the years just seemed to crop up again and I didn't seem to be able to get the brakes on it. Maybe the biggest for me is 'overwork.' That doesn't mean literally just work, it's like workaholism that runs the gamut of housework, errands, in this case - packing, calling and dealing with all the various people who deal with house and moving stuff. Under stress, I tend to get to where I won't take a break. I resent going to the bathroom, because it takes me away from my tasks. This is what my sister and I call the "rat on cocaine" gene. I have no idea how we came up with this phrase (so evocative of me running around the house packing boxes and refusing to take a bathroom break!), but obviously, we have to blame our parents for our issues, so we've determined that it's genetic in origin. Mom and Dad, I really am just kidding about blaming parents and/or the genetic part.
Here's the problem for me - something I see in the human condition in general, whether it's my clients or my friends or myself: the unhealthy behavior is not a new thing. I've seen overwork in myself and seen that it makes me feel burned out, exhausted, and resentful. Why am I doing it again? Why, when I know better, do I let stress trigger me into doing stuff I know doesn't work out well for me in the long run? Why do any of us, when we know better, do the same thing over and over again, whether it's overworking, overdrinking, overworrying, sticking our heads in the sand to avoid problems, picking fights when we really know we shouldn't, etc., etc.?
Oh yeah...we are human. If you have been bumping up against the same issue again and again in your life, that's okay. It's what we tell ourselves about our patterns and how we get out of them once we're in that we can pay attention to. \
One thing I liked about how I handled this particular moving situation is that I knew what was happening while it was happening. I didn't wake up 3 months later and go - 'Hey Katy, you really were a rat on cocaine during that move. Why did you do that?" I knew I was doing it as I was doing it. I also like that I asked for help quickly. I started telling some family and friends, "I am not doing so great."
The other thing that helped was a chance encounter with an inspiring woman who works at the Juvenile Detention Center in St. Louis. I accompanied some students from the class I help with at Wash U to a service project they're doing at the detention center. The woman who gave us our tour of the facility is a social worker and it was clear she loves the kids she works with. She said that the positive adults who work and volunteer with these youth (who are adjudicated because of a variety of possible crimes from petty theft to murder), are planting seeds. She said, they might not remember a whole lot about the youth leaders on down the road, but years later, they may say, "that lady at the detention center. She told me not to give up. Keep trying. Keep going."
In our own moments when we feel frustrated, angry, or down because we are looking the same issue in the face again, we'd do well to remember these words. Don't give up. Keep trying. Keep going.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
moving and blessings
First, I want to acknowledge that I've been 'gone' from the blog for longer than I intended. As a family, we moved homes almost two weeks ago, and I can safely say I've had yet another 'learning experience.' Learning experiences are really a mixed bag, aren't they? The upshot is this: when someone asks you if they can help you, you should say 'yes.'
But what I wanted to write about, really, came as surprise yesterday as I was preparing for a presentation I'm making to the Spirituality and Social Work class I assist with in the Fall semester at the Brown School at Wash U. Some of you may have seen that I sent out on facebook an 'ask' for my Jewish friends and family to write a little to me about how they connect with their religion and where they find meaning in their tradition (oh, yeah - my presentation is on Judaism and Social Work).
After the fb post there was a mild flurry of activity. I was totally thrilled at the enthusiasm and joy in the responses. As an unforeseen bonus, I was connected with the cantor, Leslie Caplan, at Central Reform Congregation, and had a delightful conversation with her. In the context of a bigger story, she shared with me the idea of blessing, which I will attempt to re-share with you all because I found it touching. Also, my apologies if I'm not getting it totally accurate (I hope it's the spirit of the law, if not the letter of the law).
A blessing is when we act in a way that demonstrates some essence of another person and in a sense honors that person. When we do this, we bless that person. I imagine, in the origination of the word and it's meaning, a blessing would be a serious thing. For example, my Uncle Warren, who died almost ten years ago this Christmas was a person known to me to make very kind, unexpected and thoughtful gestures. I remember in college when he learned that I was taking a metaphysical poetry class, he sent me his metaphysical poetry book from Yale with a very thoughtful note. When I make kind, thoughtful, unexpected gestures for others, this is a blessing on my uncle. We can do this for those who are living or dead, as I understand it.
I feel a sense of awe when I think about that, which by my way of thinking is a spiritual feeling. I wonder also if we bless people in more mundane, but still meaningful ways - when my sister makes my grandmother's icebox rolls at the holidays or when my husband hushes us in church out of deference to his grandfather, the minister. We have all been greatly influenced by the people we love -if feels good to praise them through our actions and pass along the best of them.
Thanks to everyone who is helping me with this presentation by sharing their stories and making these connections with and for me.
But what I wanted to write about, really, came as surprise yesterday as I was preparing for a presentation I'm making to the Spirituality and Social Work class I assist with in the Fall semester at the Brown School at Wash U. Some of you may have seen that I sent out on facebook an 'ask' for my Jewish friends and family to write a little to me about how they connect with their religion and where they find meaning in their tradition (oh, yeah - my presentation is on Judaism and Social Work).
After the fb post there was a mild flurry of activity. I was totally thrilled at the enthusiasm and joy in the responses. As an unforeseen bonus, I was connected with the cantor, Leslie Caplan, at Central Reform Congregation, and had a delightful conversation with her. In the context of a bigger story, she shared with me the idea of blessing, which I will attempt to re-share with you all because I found it touching. Also, my apologies if I'm not getting it totally accurate (I hope it's the spirit of the law, if not the letter of the law).
A blessing is when we act in a way that demonstrates some essence of another person and in a sense honors that person. When we do this, we bless that person. I imagine, in the origination of the word and it's meaning, a blessing would be a serious thing. For example, my Uncle Warren, who died almost ten years ago this Christmas was a person known to me to make very kind, unexpected and thoughtful gestures. I remember in college when he learned that I was taking a metaphysical poetry class, he sent me his metaphysical poetry book from Yale with a very thoughtful note. When I make kind, thoughtful, unexpected gestures for others, this is a blessing on my uncle. We can do this for those who are living or dead, as I understand it.
I feel a sense of awe when I think about that, which by my way of thinking is a spiritual feeling. I wonder also if we bless people in more mundane, but still meaningful ways - when my sister makes my grandmother's icebox rolls at the holidays or when my husband hushes us in church out of deference to his grandfather, the minister. We have all been greatly influenced by the people we love -if feels good to praise them through our actions and pass along the best of them.
Thanks to everyone who is helping me with this presentation by sharing their stories and making these connections with and for me.
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